Life
by Walt on May 29, 2012

Welcome to summer, where alcoholics can find a drinking buddy any night of the week, the sun doesn’t set until grandma’s bedtime, and mentally undressing the girl who sits in front of you in that class you failed (and are now re-taking) is a much easier prospect than it was in December.

You know who probably had less fun than you this weekend? That buddy of yours whose girlfriend texted him all day to issue vague threats about those body-shot photos from the pool party that popped up on Facebook. Not only did he have to turn away that bouncy blonde coed who kept stumbling in the general direction of his c*ck last night, now he’s also got to blow $15.99 on some apology flowers and chew rug for a week while the little guy serves a suspension. And that’s what I like to call a PSA for summer bachelorhood.

What’s that? You still need convincing, guy-who-fears-the-p*ssy-whip? Fair enough. Here are 10 reasons to be single this summer:

1. College Girls Are Home

Been to a bar lately? Perhaps you noticed a new crop of barely-legal tail in attendance. These are college girls. Many of them spent the last eight months experimenting with alcohol, poetry, cafeteria food, and lacrosse-titution. They’ll be eager to prove to you – the guy two years their senior who refused to court them in high school for reasons of social hierarchy – that they’re way better at blow jobs now that the braces are off.

2. The Beach

The one and only benefit to going to the beach with your girlfriend: you don’t have to ask one of your Bros to “do your back” when the sun lube gets passed around. The downsides: endless, from all the moments she catches you ogling the bikini-clad nubile on parade to the part where she inevitably says, “I’m tired; let’s go home.” Don’t worry, your friends will tell you all about the midnight skinnydipping forays and wet t-shirt contests you missed in the morning.

3. Weekend Getaways

In winter, people are sad and sedentary and prone to staying within a few blocks of home. In summer, people are happy, tan and eager to do lots of activities: golfing, camping, water sports, cookouts. A  new reason to get drunk awaits you every weekend. Except that you have to go to a painting class on Friday evening and couples yoga at 9:00 a.m. on Sunday. All because of those aforementioned body-shot photos.

4. Music Festivals

Raise your hand if you’ve already been to a music festival this year. Great, so that makes all of us. More and more festivals have been sprouting up in recent years, and for good reason. The average number of articles of clothing female attendees adjudge as adequate: 2-4, depending on climate and whether or not shoes are necessary. Did I mention that girls at music festivals are almost universally angry at their dads, and about twice as uninhibited as they were on prom night?{pagebreak}

5. These Shorts 

Speaking of music festivals, if you’ve attended one lately your d*ck probably noticed the welcome comeback of these retro-era cutoff shorts, which are reported to be the newest leading cause of public hard-ons — at least among those of us who don’t have girlfriends attached at the hip.

6. Kate Upton

Dare to dream, my friend. You never know when you’ll be the last two people in the bar and she decides to make a charity case out of you. Also, we’ve just reached that point in the article where your attention starts to wane unless there’s a picture of her.

7. That Girl You Always Wanted to Bang in High School …

… is finally single. And home for the summer. And totally caught up in that weird rebound phase that compels girls to sleep around so they can gain some false sense of retribution toward their cheating ex-boyfriends.

8. Your Summer Job

You know what lifeguards, ice cream scoopers, raft guides, baristas, hotel valets and barbacks have in common, aside from no long-term career prospects? Daily interaction with scantily clad tourist babes who would like nothing more than to meet someone with intimate knowledge of the local nightlife. Just make sure there’s a decent landing area beneath her hotel window before you start smashing the headboard against the wall of her parents’ adjoining room.

9. Your Girlfriend Is in a Different State

I’m looking at you, college B-ros. Do you trust her? I mean, really trust her? Because let’s face it: she’ll be meeting dudes everyday that value her for the exact same thing you did the night you met her – her intelligence. Psych. They want to defile her banging body. And you have no mole on the other side to confirm that such defiling is limited to your imagination. So wouldn’t it be easier to call it off for the summer, sow your wild oats for a few months, and see where things pick up come fall?

10. Bro-ing Out

We can talk until the end of time about all the potential hook-ups you’re deflecting with the GF-word, but the most sacred thing you’ll be missing out on are all the awesome, testosterone-fueled shenanigans you’ll have to pass up at the ball-and-chain’s insistence. Remember that time you drove to Vegas at three in the morning on a whim, won three grand, and ended up dousing strippers in champagne in the VIP section of some house-infested nightclub? Of course not, because you were home watching Bridesmaids and giving a foot massage. Don’t be that guy.