Like me, many of you probably stocked the coolers, dusted off the dizzy bats, and headed seaward for your inaugural beach pilgrimage of 2012 this past weekend. And aside from some inevitable taint-chafing, sunburns that will have you wincing every time you so much as a blink for the next week, and the sad reality that spitting game at those 16-going-on-25 year-olds is frowned upon by the local authorities, it was probably the best weekend you’ve had in months.
Welcome to summer, where alcoholics can find a drinking buddy any night of the week, the sun doesn’t set until grandma’s bedtime, and mentally undressing the girl who sits in front of you in that class you failed (and are now re-taking) is a much easier prospect than it was in December.
You know who probably had less fun than you this weekend? That buddy of yours whose girlfriend texted him all day to issue vague threats about those body-shot photos from the pool party that popped up on Facebook. Not only did he have to turn away that bouncy blonde coed who kept stumbling in the general direction of his c*ck last night, now he’s also got to blow $15.99 on some apology flowers and chew rug for a week while the little guy serves a suspension. And that’s what I like to call a PSA for summer bachelorhood.
What’s that? You still need convincing, guy-who-fears-the-p*ssy-whip? Fair enough. Here are 10 reasons to be single this summer:
1. College Girls Are Home
Been to a bar lately? Perhaps you noticed a new crop of barely-legal tail in attendance. These are college girls. Many of them spent the last eight months experimenting with alcohol, poetry, cafeteria food, and lacrosse-titution. They’ll be eager to prove to you – the guy two years their senior who refused to court them in high school for reasons of social hierarchy – that they’re way better at blow jobs now that the braces are off.
2. The Beach
The one and only benefit to going to the beach with your girlfriend: you don’t have to ask one of your Bros to “do your back” when the sun lube gets passed around. The downsides: endless, from all the moments she catches you ogling the bikini-clad nubile on parade to the part where she inevitably says, “I’m tired; let’s go home.” Don’t worry, your friends will tell you all about the midnight skinnydipping forays and wet t-shirt contests you missed in the morning.
3. Weekend Getaways
In winter, people are sad and sedentary and prone to staying within a few blocks of home. In summer, people are happy, tan and eager to do lots of activities: golfing, camping, water sports, cookouts. A new reason to get drunk awaits you every weekend. Except that you have to go to a painting class on Friday evening and couples yoga at 9:00 a.m. on Sunday. All because of those aforementioned body-shot photos.
4. Music Festivals
Raise your hand if you’ve already been to a music festival this year. Great, so that makes all of us. More and more festivals have been sprouting up in recent years, and for good reason. The average number of articles of clothing female attendees adjudge as adequate: 2-4, depending on climate and whether or not shoes are necessary. Did I mention that girls at music festivals are almost universally angry at their dads, and about twice as uninhibited as they were on prom night?