Sex study after exhausted sex study seems to be coming out these days. Universities are just pissing away grant money because, despite their findings, nothing will ever alter our carnal needs and actions as men. Don't they know we are wired in such a way that no amount of fear mongering, STD propaganda, and pro-choice rallies will ever stop us from slinging it the way we want to sling it? We're irresponsible, selfish, and at times unthoughtful, but since the stone ages (or how ever you think humans came to be), men's desire to bang a woman so hard that her spine becomes unaligned has not changed.
I say all of this because this morning I received an email about two new sex surveys: one from the University of Indiana and another from our friends in Britain. Usually, when someone sends me something on this topic -- like great advancements in rejuvenating strung-out vag*na holes -- I am intrigued. I want to find a restored tw*t and take it for a spin. What can I say, I like antiques. But today, while both studies had potential, each yielded unbelievably predictable findings. Since no one likes to read drawn out articles, I have listed the top ten findings from the studies after the jump.
From the University of Indiana study:
People are becoming more inventive in bed.
Of all the people (surveyed) who f*cked in the last month, there were 41 different positions used in the bedroom. One person even claimed to attempt a maneuver called the Master Chief. Which means that when you're f*cking her from behind, you pull out and replace your dick with a frag grenade.
85% of men believe their partner climaxed during their most recent sexual tryst.
Conversely, only 64% of women said they actually did reach org*sm. When told they've been lied too, 100% of men said they don't care.
91% of men over 50 said they did not use a condom during casual sex (i.e. with an acquaintance or a date).
This explains why STDs are running rampant at The Villages retirement community in Florida.
40% of people say they have had an*l sex.
This is a rise from 20% to 25% recorded in the 1990s... when staying in the closet was a popular choice. Just putting that out there, it could have affected the findings, not that there is anything wrong with that.
79% of the time, teenage boys used a rubber during the last 10 times they had sex with a girl.
Teenage girls only reported using a condom only 58% of the time, concluding that even from a young age, women are reckless hoes.
60% of men (under the age of 70) have jerked off in the last month.
The other 40% of the men surveyed must be paralyzed from the neck down.
And what did we learn about cougars from the other survey? Keep reading…