by Lance Pauker on December 6, 2012

1. Mr./Ms. Unexpected Facebook Page

Be it that aspiring model who ruthlessly pushes her social presence, that musician whose sort of good but probably doesn’t have the chops or connections to really make a splash, or that guy who suddenly became a real-estate agent (thus making you realize that the person selling your house probably spent his entire youth perpetually stoned), their social media prowess will ensure you that you’re there for every step of the way, whether you like it or not.

Current Habitat: Still in your hometown, but increasingly claiming how “they’re about to get out.”

2. Kid who takes Instagrams of Beach/Surf

You may not live anywhere near a beach, but this man will find a way to have been heavily influenced by Kelly Slaters and the rest of the surfing leggies. He refers to “legends” as leggies because this is what's embraced in his made up surfing culture that requires him to over-dope everything into nonsensical slang.

Brody Brah’s true calling in life, however, is most definitely his instagram feed. It’s got the swell, but perhaps his finest work comes in the form of his post-surf handcrafted sandwiches, all of which feature avocado and chipotle mayo.

Current Habitat: A Jeep Wrangler, acting as the  shameless epitome of one of those “get out and explore” mini-SUV commercials.

3. Quiet, Average Girl Who Is Now Dangerously Hot

What used to be just another face in the crowd is now the face in the crowd.

She was probably one of those quiet girls on the soccer team that never totally clicked with the popular types, but didn’t hate herself enough to start shopping at those strange stores in the mall where the community college conversion rate is nearly 100 percent. Marooned on her own clique, dudes never really made a concerted effort to pursue her. Now, they realize the terrible, terrible mistake they have made.

Not being “popular” in high school means that it took her awhile to realize that she could act like complete shit and still gain the overwhelming affection of boys. A smart dude likely realized this early in his college career, and locked her up for the next three years. The girl, not completely realizing how attractive she actually is, was more than happy to jump into his shower of affection.

The rest of us sit there in complete shock upon looking at her latest (and greatest) photo album.

Current Habitat: City wherever she went to school. Best you bet she doesn’t talk to anyone from high school anymore. Window, closed. 

4. Mugshot Mike

You’ll be innocently going about your day, then you’ll get a mass e-mail with a link to your local newspaper. It’ll be a story of how the kid that you sort of knew, but didn’t really associate with out of concern for expulsion, finally filled his degenerate potential. Anything from dealing drugs in the parking lot of a police station, to aggravated assault, to pulling a laser pointer on planes, flies here.

Current Habitat: That bagging people’s groceries job they have for people who just got out of jail.

5. Members of “The List”

Whether you know it or not, every set of schoolchildren has something called “the list.” These are people that once attended your school, but then disappeared into the abyss without anyone really realizing they were gone.

Admittance to the list requires random realization flashes about this person once every three years, followed by an unsuccessful facebook search, followed by confirmation from at least two other sources (your friends) that nobody really knows where they went.

Current Habitat: ???


6. Guy Who Puts Raps Up on YouTube

Three people were obligated to be all like “dope mannn! keep doin’ the dream!” while all the other views can all be attributed to your high school’s different friend networks barely being able to hold back their glee as they alerted their email chains of such a glorious development.

Now more than ever, it really shows he didn’t even bother to look at the sparknotes in inclusion english. 

Current Habitat: Constantly lurking around various town delis.

7. Female Tracy McGrady

Tracy McGrady was awesome, but then he suddenly wasn’t close to as good. Female Tracy McGrady was all the rage in 8th and 9th grade, relied on her previous popularity and pre-approved hotness to power her through the rest of high school, but ultimately failed to capture the same swagger the second high school ended. AKA, she most certainly peaked. 

Current Habitat: After a brief stint with the ex-cheerleader equivalent of the Atlanta Hawks, she’s now playing for the ex-cheerleader equivalent of a professional chinese team.

8. The Guy Who Used to Date Female Tracy McGrady 

Perpetually wasted at the your local “reeking of desperation bar,” this cat hasn't been the same since TMac ditched him to be with nobody in particular. Townie is really the only job he's fit for–after a spirited two weeks, he mysteriously stoppped his volunteer work as  linebacker coach on your subpar high school football team.

He'll attempt his previous forms of impressive intimidation by uploading pictures of him getting bottle service while wearing irrationally unbuttoned dress shirts. Except that the upload also tells you where he's getting that bottle service from, and no thanks.  

9. White Collar Townie

The guy who had decent potential, but in the eyes of our generational ish, decided to waste it by caring too much about being comfortable in his hometown. After attending the local school to which he communted for all four years (and therefore totally did not have any resemblance of a college experience) he’s just landed a job as a student-teacher in the same school district he was a student at a mere four years ago.

His former teachers are glad to catch up, but then chatter in the conference room about how they’re ultimately disappointed by his decision to not know what it means to move on. They all feel bad for his first girlfriend, as his naive enthusiasm about anything and everything will make it impossible to break up without completely destroying him.

He also strangely assumes that nobody has left the hometown, and still thinks everyone else maintains the same routine, like hanging out in behind the Starbucks parking lot or going bowling.

Current Habitat: At the planning board meeting for your annual town festival

10. Guy Your Dad Sees at the Gym

You guys used to be tight, but he hasn’t been over your house since second grade. So naturally, your dad makes it a point to tell you about his encounter with “Mark” every time you talk to him on the phone. “Mark’s doing good,” he’ll say, giving you updates so frequently, you start to wonder if this is just groundwork for the big announcement that this kid now lives in your old room as a tenant.

Current Habitat: Having to listen to your dad talk to him at the gym. Being annoyed at first, but then realizing these ramblings have definitely grown on him.


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