A few days ago, I stumbled across this excellent article that nicely captured what it's like to reflect on your days as a falsely jaded suburban backpack-wielder. Then I went on Facebook, and realized that for all of the bullshit, ZuckyZucksauce is worth it if for only the highly intriguing/borderline astounding things you'll realize about people you may actually never see again. Namely, what they are doing NOW, based on knowing what they used to be like.
All great soap operas kill it with the "where are they nows," and your high school is no exception:
1. Mr./Ms. Unexpected Facebook Page
Be it that aspiring model who ruthlessly pushes her social presence, that musician whose sort of good but probably doesn’t have the chops or connections to really make a splash, or that guy who suddenly became a real-estate agent (thus making you realize that the person selling your house probably spent his entire youth perpetually stoned), their social media prowess will ensure you that you’re there for every step of the way, whether you like it or not.
Current Habitat: Still in your hometown, but increasingly claiming how “they’re about to get out.”
2. Kid who takes Instagrams of Beach/Surf
You may not live anywhere near a beach, but this man will find a way to have been heavily influenced by Kelly Slaters and the rest of the surfing leggies. He refers to “legends” as leggies because this is what's embraced in his made up surfing culture that requires him to over-dope everything into nonsensical slang.
Brody Brah’s true calling in life, however, is most definitely his instagram feed. It’s got the swell, but perhaps his finest work comes in the form of his post-surf handcrafted sandwiches, all of which feature avocado and chipotle mayo.
Current Habitat: A Jeep Wrangler, acting as the shameless epitome of one of those “get out and explore” mini-SUV commercials.
3. Quiet, Average Girl Who Is Now Dangerously Hot
What used to be just another face in the crowd is now the face in the crowd.
She was probably one of those quiet girls on the soccer team that never totally clicked with the popular types, but didn’t hate herself enough to start shopping at those strange stores in the mall where the community college conversion rate is nearly 100 percent. Marooned on her own clique, dudes never really made a concerted effort to pursue her. Now, they realize the terrible, terrible mistake they have made.
Not being “popular” in high school means that it took her awhile to realize that she could act like complete shit and still gain the overwhelming affection of boys. A smart dude likely realized this early in his college career, and locked her up for the next three years. The girl, not completely realizing how attractive she actually is, was more than happy to jump into his shower of affection.
The rest of us sit there in complete shock upon looking at her latest (and greatest) photo album.
Current Habitat: City wherever she went to school. Best you bet she doesn’t talk to anyone from high school anymore. Window, closed.
4. Mugshot Mike
You’ll be innocently going about your day, then you’ll get a mass e-mail with a link to your local newspaper. It’ll be a story of how the kid that you sort of knew, but didn’t really associate with out of concern for expulsion, finally filled his degenerate potential. Anything from dealing drugs in the parking lot of a police station, to aggravated assault, to pulling a laser pointer on planes, flies here.
Current Habitat: That bagging people’s groceries job they have for people who just got out of jail.
5. Members of “The List”
Whether you know it or not, every set of schoolchildren has something called “the list.” These are people that once attended your school, but then disappeared into the abyss without anyone really realizing they were gone.
Admittance to the list requires random realization flashes about this person once every three years, followed by an unsuccessful facebook search, followed by confirmation from at least two other sources (your friends) that nobody really knows where they went.
Current Habitat: ???