As awesome as college is in reality, it still often betrays the Fantasy Island expectations of many a starry-eyed freshman Bro. For example, when I arrived on campus, I thought I could do bong rips in my freshman dormitory without consequence. Next thing I knew a rent-a-cop with a GED and a serious chip on his shoulder had a Taser leveled at my crotch while I frantically gasped “It’s not what it looks like!” with plumes of smoke issuing from every orifice on my face.
Another great misconception about college life is the grandiosity of your average frat party. Remember when you were 17, and your idea of a frat party resembled a wet-dreamish amalgam of the epic ragers you could remember from all the raunchy teen comedies you snuck in to as a kid? Now, remember the first time you actually attended a frat party, and how disappointed you were upon discovering that a) girls were, like, clothed and b) Van Wilder would not be in attendance?
Admittedly, a good frat party still kicks the sh*t out of the sausage-infested environs of the bars I frequent in my post-college life. But that doesn’t mean they are populated by an endless procession of dimepieces willing to Jello-wrestle for the right to blow you. The truth is, while a well-bounced frat party usually boasts a better than fifty-fifty ratio of vajayjay to dong, not all of the owners of those vajayjays will qualify as desirable material. Or, at least they won’t until around beer number schfifty-five.
I know this is a startling admission, especially to those readers who thought “frat party” meant attending Project X every weekend for the next four years. But see, I’m a journalist, and as such, it is my duty to dispel the myths of the world. So with an eye to deconstructing the myth of the frat party, here’s an honest portrayal of the ten girls you can count on meeting at pretty much every one of them:
1) The One Who Is Eager to Impress the Brothers
This girl is probably a) drunker than she planned on being when she and her friends cracked open that bottle of raspberry vodka in their dorm-room earlier and b) a freshman. She will drink anything you hand her at an admirable clip. She will also comply with naked-lap rules in beer pong, even if you make them up mid-game. If you want to bang her, make sure you put in work early, because she won’t be on the market for long. Distracting her from making out with her best friend while six dudes recording iPhone videos encircle them could prove difficult as well.
2) The DFMO Queen
As in, Dance Floor Makeout Queen. She’s usually very shy and coquettish, at least until the moment she grabs your face and starts to explore the inside of your mouth with her tongue. After a few minutes she’ll flit away to “use the bathroom” or “find her girlfriend,” leaving you on a urine-stained couch with a hard-on, such that you have to stay there for a few minutes till things “settle down.” Once they do, you’ll sort of casually look around the party for her ... And where do you eventually find her? Right where she left you, except now she’s got her tongue down some other Bro’s throat, and that’s when you realize you just indirectly made out with like five other dudes.
But the catch with the DFMO Queen is that she never takes it any further. She just makes the rounds, teasing c*ck after c*ck without any intention of hopping in bed with any of them. And she’s cute, so you all still think you have a chance. Eventually, someone ends up punching someone else, so then that guy goes and wipes his ass on the first guy’s pillow -- and before you know it, the whole frat’s got pink eye! All because someone invited a DFMO Queen to the party.
3) The Senior Girl Who Complains About All the Underclassmen Girls
“Ugh,” she begins, rolling her eyes as another group of hard-bodied 18 year-olds she’s never seen before pours through the door. “Who invited all these little betches?” Apparently she has forgotten the days when she was one of those “little betches,” along with how to put forth some effort with regard to her appearance. Stretchy pants and a lax pinnie, really? Have you even changed your underwear this week? Then again, it might not be worth her time, considering half the frat has “been there, done that” and the other half has standards.
4) The One Who Keeps Playing the Same Bad Song Over and Over
Excuse me, what the f*ck are you doing unplugging that iPod? Brother McManus worked on the playlist for this party for six hours yesterday. And there’s a reason why he didn’t put Miley Cyrus on it. Namely, because we don’t want to hear it. Even once. And especially not five times, which is how many times we’d heard it the last time you played it.
5) The Flip-Cup Virtuoso
This one defies logic. In coed softball, she couldn’t make contact even though you let her use a tennis racquet. Even now, she’s so obliterated that she has to stabilize herself against the table with both hands to keep from toppling over. And yet every time the flip-cup game calls upon her (usually she doesn’t know it’s her turn until a male teammate starts to literally scream her name), she enters this state of Jordan-esque Zen and sticks the cup to the table as if there were magnets on the rim.
6) The One Who Appears a Little More Doable with Each Beer You Consume
When your buddy first points her out and says, “That chick totally wants to bang you,” you respond that she is “fat” and “ugly.” By beer number five she is “a little thick” and “not as bad as (you) first thought.” By beer ten you are flirting with her in a half-serious way while still panning the room for better options. By beer twenty, your good buddies warn you that you’re “going to regret it.” But your better buddies say things like “P*ssy doesn’t have a face!” and “Big girls need loving, too!” And you always listen to your better buddies.
7) The C*ck-Block Extraordinaire
You know what noise I hate? The noise that a fist pounding against a door makes when I’m in the middle of having sex. Especially when it’s followed by this: “Is (name of girl I am inside of) in there? Hellooooooo?” And this will go on for ten, twenty minutes, until (girl I am inside of) has to get up and leave me and my blue balls to our own devices, lamenting the fact that my friends suck at running effective interference. I feel your pain, Big Ben.
8) The Weedhead Girl
The great thing about that rare gem of a girl who straight up loves herb is that it’s easy to lure her back to your room (“Want to come hit my new Illadelph? It’s got a double percolator and an ash-catcher.”). The bad part is that you’ll probably end up eating the last box of Girl Scout Cookies from Mom’s care package, throw on a Planet Earth marathon, and completely forget about trying to get it in.
9) The One Who Hates Her Daddy
So the morning after your epic Spring mixer, you and the Bros are sitting around the living room recapping the events of the previous night. You establish that no less than four of you had mind-boggling sex (anal included!) with big-tittied blondes in strapless green dresses. I know, crazy coincidence, right? You keep talking, and your buddy Sully says, “The one I was with had a birthmark on her left ass cheek, but it was no big deal. She was SEXY.” Then Tito chimes in with, “Hey, mine had a birthmark on her left ass cheek too!” “Mine too!” you exclaim. Then everyone goes silent. Real silent.
10) The Smokeshow with an Attitude
I get it: you’ve seen all the tricks. There’s nothing I can say or do to you that represents an approach that you’re not completely savvy to, because you’ve probably been hit on by about two or three thousand different men at this point in your life. But does that really entitle you to be such a frigid b*tch? After all, you are in MY house, drinking the beer that I paid for – at least show a little respect and tell me your real name when I introduce myself. It wasn’t you I was after anyway; I was just hoping you’d introduce me to your slightly less attractive friend. You know, the one who sometimes arranges her face in something other than a scowl – it’s a thing nowadays, you should totally try it out.