When I’m not sorting through your endless emails of girl drama, small penises and requests to have sex with me, I’m working my day job in fashion so don’t f*cking question me because I’m helping you out and I know my sh*t. And judging by the Abercrombie shirt you’re wearing right now, you, clearly do not. Don’t get mad at me and rip off your pooca shell necklace in a fit of rage. Just pull it off calmly…and immediately.
It’s time for some education, followed by maxing out your (dad’s) credit card. Today, I’ll be sharing with you a critical reading from the Fashion Bible; Fitz, 5:12. These are the ten fashion commandments. In no particular order of how utterly horrendous your style faux pas are.
1. Thou shalt not wear cargo shorts past middle school.
I can never tell whether I should be confused or just disgusted when I see a grown dude wearing cargo shorts. Usually I’m both. But one things for sure; I am not having sex with him, or any of his friends. Bros don’t let bros wear cargos.
Seriously, its like you’re stuck in some sort of time warp where every day is the summer after sixth grade; only you don’t realize you’ve actually graduated from high school already. Get some big boy pants and pull it together.
2. Thou shalt not wear distasteful graphic tees.This includes explicit, “clever”, or generally overused sayings; lame pickup lines; Bejeweled designs and anything from Abercrombie or Hollister. There was a brief period of time circa 2001 when it was acceptable to wear an Ed Hardy tshirt; if you were a girl, or a guido, or The Rock. But there’s a reason Ed has gone under, and its not because he couldn’t come up with any more vague sayings and skull and crossbones images to decorate his shirts with. It’s because that sh*t is straight ug-lay. Rhinestones aside, explicit sayings are no better. “Free tickets to the gun show”? Hahahaha, too, funny.; and original too! Take me home.
And would you actually say, “show me your t*ts” to my face? Or are you that lame and awkward that you have to write it on your t-shirt, so that every babe, child and grandmother can see it? And “I’m with stupid” may as well read, “I’m uncreative and a complete douchebag”.
3. Thou shalt only wear jorts to ironically themed day parties.
This commandment is pretty self-explanatory. Just don’t f*cking break it.
4. Though shalt only sport the most masculine headwear.
If you’ve been looking to Jusin Bieber recently for style how-to’s, stop now. Sure he wears beanies and still manages to get a lot of p*ssy, but he’s a teenybopper and a millionaire, and you’re not. Only the smoothest of bros can pull off a beanie. If we were analyzing it mathematically, I’d say one in 87 dudes. I’m talking underground musician, lives in Brooklyn, has long greasy hair… I’m talking Kurt Cobain. (RIP.) And newsboy caps? Lets not even go there.
5. Thou shalt wear jewelry with the utmost discretion.
When it comes to male jewelry, there are a limited number of categories that you can get away with sporting without getting ridiculed by chicks. Some of these include family crest rings, watches, an actually significant tribute bracelet, or a meaningful medallion hidden behind your shirt on a chain. But that’s, about, it. If you think you look cool while you’re wearing a pooca shell necklace, hemp choker or thick leather bracelet, you’re wildly mistaken. Just throw it all out; I doubt the Salvation Army will even accept it.
6. Thou shalt literally never wear tank tops.
I don’t care if you’ve been going through the late stages of puberty, pumping iron at the gym or doing hella steroids, if you’re trying to show off your svelte physique sporting a tank top is never the appropriate way to do it. Wife beaters, your high school football t-shirt that you cut up methodically or those thin tank tops that guidos wear (what are those anyways?) are all huge turn-offs. If you’ve been getting fit, we’ll notice; don’t you worry. Even button-downs highlight that good old-fashioned man muscle that us ladies love to grab on, even though your bare skin isn’t visible. A little modesty goes a long way, breaux, so leave a little to the imagination.
7. Thou shalt always remove socks when wearing sandals.
When I was in college, you could always distinguish the athletes by two qualities- they were in all of my Comm classes, and they were all wearing socks under their slip-on rubber sandals. Occasionally I’d see some bros around campus doing the same thing but I think they were just math majors and/or trying to appear “chill”(Read: nerds). We get it; you’re an athlete. But guys, that was clear to us long ago when we noticed you wearing all Nike gear with your schools letters on it and mingling exclusively with the other 350-pound dudes. For some reason your toes are chronically cold because your football cleats are too tight…or whatever. Get some f*cking sneakers, or loafers, or boat shoes, or looser cleats. Either way it's ridiculous looking and uncalled for.
8. Thou shalt maintain thy undergarments.
Even though chicks aren’t looking at your underwear every day, (don’t try to lie to me.) it doesn’t mean you can get away with wearing the same boxers your mom bought you in middle school. You know, the ones with the hearts on them. Girls buy new sexy underwear bi-monthly, so the least you could do is switch it up every couple years, and just get some normal, clean looking boxers. And never, never, tighty whities.
9. Thou shalt only wear jerseys for specific occasions.
Now don’t get all self-righteous and diehard on me just yet—(F*ck that! I’d f*cking die for the Giants!”). We get it. And believe it or not, my girlfriends and I are actual sports fans ourselves. That’s right, we host our own Superbowl parties, make brackets for march madness and go to bars to watch sports. And no, we’re not lesbians (on weekends or days that end in even numbers). Although my roommate and I did have a brief falling out when the Heat beat the Lakers.
But really, there’s no reason to sport your jerseys at random, even if you have gone Linsane or come down with a case of Tebowculosis. (I think I’ll copyright that second one.) Try to limit them to game days or just hanging around the house with the bros, because to put it frankly, it’s a little lame otherwise. Just throw on a t-shirt.
10. Thou shalt avoid piercings and meaningless tattoos.
I know, I know. You want to defy your mother’s wishes, do something rebellious and make girls think you’re a badass. If the girls you’re after are in the age range of 12-17, this will probably work. When I was in high school I dated a dude with a tongue ring, which was excellent for a number of reasons that I won’t get into, in addition to the fact that he drove nice cars and was four years older than me. Ah, to be young again. But if my boyfriend now had his ears, nose, lip, tongue or d*ck pierced…well, he wouldn’t be my boyfriend. The same goes for armband tats or Chinese symbols. Believe me, you will not want or be able to get a job or girlfriend if you have that sh*t past the age of 19, so just forego it entirely and save yourself the trouble and your mother the tears. You’ve put the poor woman through enough.
Okay, I think I’ve broken your spirits enough for today. Don’t take it personally, but do take it seriously. The same goes for everything that comes out of my mouth. Stay tuned next week to find out what you should be wearing once you decide you’re ready to get laid and get rid of that hideous half of your closet.
As always, you’re welcome in advance.
XoXo from the girl you wish you were dating,
Fitz E Fresh