Life
by Andy Green on March 19, 2014

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Dildos. There may be no greater threat to getting your noodle wet than these sexual aides. Like Thor’s mighty hammer, Mjolner for lady bits… these things are manufactured by the millions and will cockblock you faster than a girl’s chubby drinking friend. They are a scourge, they come in all shapes and the sizes they come in are big and bigger. The only true path to outshadow these little vibrating bastards is to learn to bang like an elite sex soldier. This is all stuff you knew about dildos… here are ten facts you didn’t!

Texas Don’t Take Kindly to Dildos

When you think of tolerance, the first state in our country that comes to mind is Texas. It’s a literal utopia of understanding.  Yes, Texas is about as forward thinking as it gets. Wait. Wait just a damn second. Oh my, this is embarrassing. I forgot that Texas is actually the complete opposite of that. So naturally, a place with this kind of mentality has no way to master the art of the bang, what with all the rampant racism and hatred. This inability to dedicate the necessary time and effort to properly sex the women of Texas has made dildos a SERIOUS threat to Texan boners. Things are so scary, that laws needed to be put on the books. Dildo law. In Texas it’s actually illegal to own six or more dildos. It’s no misdemeanor either. It’s actually a felony.

Some Ladies Want To Bang Dragons

Most guys, if you’re like me.. walk around in complete confidence thinking that dragons are mythical creatures that pose absolutely no sexual threat. WRONG! There’s enough chicks out there that want to know what it’s like to be railed by a giant fire-breathing beast that there’s a market for dildos that replicate dragon dongs. What an odd job it must be to sit down in a meeting and decide what a dragon dick is like and how to replicate it. Let’s just hope they never get the technology together to manufacture replica of Godzilla’s vag-destroyer!

The Origin of The Vibrator is Hilarious

Medicine has come a long way. Bizarre practices that we view as barbaric today we’re all the rage throughout early medicine. Hell, back in the day if your lady was freakin’ out on ya, you just took them to the doctor for being hysterical. The doctors back in the day had a remedy for a hysterical woman… make them have an orgasm and that’ll shut them up. The practice of masturbating hysterical ladies at the hospital was so common that doctors actually had to invent a steam powered vibrator to save their wrists and fingers from wearing out. Oh, old timey people… you were so freaking funny.

We Shall Dock At Dildo Island

Our hilarious friends up north in Canada really know how to name stuff. They have money that they call a Looney. Oh and if you’re up there seeing the sites… don’t forget to take a boat out to Dildo island. It’s easy to find… right outside of Newfoundland in an area called the Dildo Arm. It’s played all kinds of important roles throughout Canadian history. Explorers have been to Dildo Island to discover it’s secrets. I desperately wished it would’ve had some kind of curse, so that I could use the phrase “The Curse of Dildo Island” in this paragraph… but sadly.. Dildo Island is curseless.

Those Wacky Orangutans and Their Dildos

Orangutans are a species of great ape that all humans can look in the eye and relate to. We see a lot of ourselves in these creatures. We can relate with them. If you lived in the wilderness, with no job, no television, no hustle and bustle of society, you’d get bored too! One behavior that has been observed in orangutans is their fashioning of wooden dildos. These female orangutans have needs. And among those needs is a hankering to shove phallic objects into their disgusting Orangutan sniz. Still no word yet on if the males have adapted the ability to make some kind of fleshlight out of giant tree slugs, but they are making their own bark dildos. Yep, males use them too!

The Dildo Used By The Ancients

Ancient women, stumbling through the foliage of ancient earth scraping by to survive had all the time in the world. And at least one ancient chick fashioned a dildo out of stone to give her hairy cave-beaver a beating. The oldest known dildo was found in a cave and is reported to be over 30,000 years old. The ice age was cold, and nothing warms a woman up quite like a little me time with a massive dildo. This one doesn’t look dishwasher safe though.

The Ancient Greek Bread Dildos

Ancient Greece was filled with thinkers. People who wanted to better understand the universe. They were the people who brought democracy to the planet. They gave the world some prolific philosophers. Oh, and they were also pretty perverted. From crazy orgy action to some of the first pornography… the Greeks liked to bump uglies. In fact, they liked to do all kinds of things to their uglies… like shove bread dildos in their most intimate of areas. Let’s hope they used yesterday’s bread and didn’t re-serve it!

India and Alabama Stand United in Their Hatred of Dildos

When you think of two places that should have absolutely nothing in common… India and Alabama are a pair that should be right at the top of the list. Nothing pisses off a person from Alabama quite like a thick Indian accent on the other end of a customer service call. But these two places stand strong on one common fight. They hate dildos. The scourge of wiener substitutes has shaken both of these cultures to their very core. Both India AND Alabama have completely outlawed dildos. You know that there just has to be a call center somewhere in India though fielding the consumer complaints for some dildo company, that would be ironic.

Steely Dan Was Named After a Dildo

There are few inventions that have saturated the world’s culture quite like dildos. The band Steely Dan were probably all hopped up on goofballs when they came up with their name. They actually named their band after a strap-on dildo that appears in William S. Burroughs’ novel “Naked Lunch.” This moment in classic music history has inspired my new band’s name– Captain Sybian and the Vaginauts. Hopefully we get some gigs soon.. I play the triangle in the band.

Rammstein Understands The Potential of The Dildo Market

Hey ladies. Is your flower yearning to get wrecked by a member of the German industrial band, Rammstein? Well, you can totally do that. If you happen upon the Rammstein merch booth, be sure to check out their anatomically correct dildo selection, cast exactly to members of the band. Du. Du Hast. Du Hast other dildos.

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Andy Green

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