I became the Internet’s most celebrated dick pic critic almost by accident. In September of last year, I received an unusually good dick pic — so good, in fact, that it prompted me to tweet about it. That started a conversation amongst my friends about the woeful state of dick pics in general, which we unanimously agreed were almost always boring, artless and unsolicited. One of my friends jokingly suggested that I should start a blog critiquing dick pics; too absurd an idea for me to pass up. That afternoon Critique My Dick Pic was born.
I made it a firm policy right from the start not to shame senders for the size of their penises, and my commitment to body positivity and diversity, plus my pull-no-punches, yet positive approach to reviewing, meant that the blog was an instant hit. I found myself becoming the go-to girl on all things dick pic-related, and every day I’m asked for tips on how to take a great cock shot. So without further ado, I present you my top 10 dos and don’ts of dick pic photography:
1. Do include your hands
I say this one so often that I start to feel like a parody of myself: put your hands in your dick pic. If you are in control of the camera you’ll only have one free hand at your disposal, but it will do wonders for your dick pic if you use that hand to hold the base of your cock, or leave it hovering tantalizingly nearby. A well-placed and actively utilized hand can make the difference between a sterile nude and one that will turn your receiver on.
2. Don’t line your dick up against an inanimate object
A recurring and dispiriting trend in the world of dick pics is for senders to line their dick up alongside an inanimate object for scale, such as a bottle, TV remote, or even, once, a toothpaste tube. Don’t do this. Ever. It’s weird, it radiates insecurity, and it’s the exact opposite of erotic.
3. Do consider the background and lighting
You can let down an otherwise solid dick pic if your bedroom is a bomb site in the background or if your body is cast in the harsh glow of a laptop screen. Details matter. If you’ve taken a decent dick pic but you’ve taken it in a toothpaste-flecked mirror with a pile of dirty laundry in the background, for the sake of your dignity do a quick clean up and shoot it again.
4. Don’t obsess about maximizing your size
One of the most persistent problems with dick pics is that men tend to have a single-minded focus on maximizing their size, resulting in strange contortions of the body and glaringly unattractive worm’s-eye-view shots. Obsessing over your size rarely results in a hot dick pic, and men with big dicks are often the worst offenders here.
5. Do include some of the rest of your body
Let’s face it: it doesn’t really matter how good-looking your dick is, it’s boring in isolation. Receivers appreciate a bit of context. Don’t be afraid to include a generous swath of your torso and thighs, and, if you’re sending a picture privately, it’s often a good move to include your face.
6. Don’t be too arty and restrained
It’s obviously better to veer on the side of arty than obscene, and I frequently recommend that senders leave some clothing on in their dick pics, but occasionally they are so careful and refined with their pictures—all black and white, blurred-focus shots of the tips of their dicks peeping out from their almost fully-clothed bodies—that they come out a bit toothless as a result.
7. Do add a little something that pushes your dick pic beyond the norm
The most memorable dick pics are not just good, they’re extraordinary. I receive hundreds of submissions per week, so I’m always grateful for senders who go the extra mile, whether that’s by lighting up their penises with Christmas lights, dusting themselves with bone fragments, or staging a series of synchronized dick pics with their partners.
8. Don’t send a log
The log is the bottom of the dick pic barrel. A log is when you take a zoomed-in, birds-eye-view shot of your dick, with your dick taking up pretty much the entire frame and with little else going on in it. They’re lazy, fiercely unimaginative and about as erotic as bellybutton lint. No logs in 2014.
9. Do put some consideration into the thoughts and desires of your receivers
Abandon the idea of dick pics as a unidirectional parade for your ego. Embrace the idea of dick pics as a two-way street, in which the desires of your receiver are crucially important. If you’re not sending a dick pic for the purpose of making someone else happy, the dick pic game is not for you.
10. Don’t ever send a dick pic to someone you’re not certain would want to receive it
Dick pics have an awful reputation because they’re frequently bombarded at women unsolicited, like a plague sweeping through the computers and smartphones of female Internet users everywhere. Make sure you’re meeting bare minimum standards of human decency by only sending dick pics to people who’ve consented to see them.
So there you have it. If you’re still a little confused feel free to swing by the site—perhaps check out the A and D grades in particular to see what works and what doesn’t. I’m on a mission to rid the world of boring, artless dick pics, and you can help me by working these tips into your next shot. Your recipient will be warmly grateful for a thoughtful picture, and for that you can thank me later.