Every day we wake to the sun in our eyes and a desire to see someone's ass kicked with karate in our hearts. Martial arts have brought humanity together with a swift kick to the chest. Whether it's the UFC or just a couple of black belts squaring off in the parking lot of a strip club, we love us a good beat-down. Martial arts have given society the ability to turn our alcohol-fueled run-ins literally into an art form. It's a truly magnificent thing... but you knew that. Here are 10 things about the martial arts you didn't know.
Muay Thai Broken-Bone Mutants
Muay Thai is one of the deadliest of the martial arts. The practitioners of this fighting style are in top physical condition. In fact, they are in better than top physical condition because they, like Wolverine...have a super strong skeleton. They actually break their own limbs and the hairline fractures heal into stronger more badass bones. If their doing that to their own bones, who knows what the hell they are doing to their balls?
The Terrifying Children of The United Arab Emerite
Gym class in school is a situation that can go either way. Self-confidence is both built and tore down in this wonderful staple of the American public school system. Dodgeball has destroyed the lives of almost as many fat kids as the diabetes flakes they eat in the morning. Well, in the United Arab Emerite, they ensure that every student, no matter their social status, has the unalienable right to physically destroy someone with Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu. It's actually part of their required curriculum.
The Karate Belt Color Scheme Stems From Cheapness
We've all seen the belts. Yellow. Brown. There are quite a few colors in the belt system of karate. We were all made to watch 'The Karate Kid' when we were young so a deep understanding of why you should never EVER mess with an elderly Japanese person. You would think that the belt system was tied to some crazy mystical explanation for each color. Turns out that they just dyed the same belt over-and-over until the final color for the utmost experts was black.
Joe Rogan Can Beat Your Ass
Joe Rogan is much more than just a color commentator for the UFC. He is a popular and hilarious comedian. He is also certified not to be fucked with. The man has the ability to do things to you far more horrifying than anything on Fear Factor. Rogan currently holds a black belt in Planet Jiu-Jitsu. NEVER heckle him.
Jean Claude Van Damme's First Starring Role
There was a point during the late Eighties and early Nineties where if you wanted to see someone dispatched violently with some martial arts... Van Damme was the guy. "Bloodsport," "Kickboxer" and countless other films showed us how good it could feel to see someone beaten to death in an underground fighting tournament. Yes... Van Damme's mighty reign at the top of action movie success started with one role. And that role was 'Gay Karate Man.' Seriously.
(Editor's Note: "Lion Heart," a forgotten Van Damme classic, taught me that you usually can't pass sugar off as cocaine. Valuable knowledge.)
Al Bundy is Extremely Dangerous
Ed O'Neil has played the loveable loser throughout TV and Film. He never plays the brightest of characters... but you always end up thinking they are pretty cool. He was hilarious in "Wayne's World." He could also bestow a hilarious hardcore ass-whoopin' on ya if he so pleased. He like Joe Rogan is a black belt in Jiu-Jitsu. It would be insane if a night of drinking culminated with you watching Al Bundy submit a crazed fan behind a restaurant. That would rule.
The Green Power Ranger Did Well for Himself
What do you remember about the Power Rangers? Most likely it was that sexy ass pink ranger. You also probably remember how badass the green ranger was with his hardcore Godzilla-like robot and tripped out little flute. Turns out that ole' Tommy dedicated his life to martial arts, became an undefeated MMA champion with a 7th degree black belt AND owns a chain of successful martial arts academies. No word yet on if he did in fact bang that pink ranger.
Ass-Kickings Fit For The King
Elvis Presley left his mark on society through his tunage. This can be proven by the velvet paintings of him that decorate all the fecal-stained walls of trailer parks throughout the south. Yes, he knows greatness that few of us ever will. He could also kick the living shit out of you with his mastery of karate. He held a black belt in the discipline.
UFC Fighters Are an Old Lady's Best Defense
Old ladies have yet to grasp the concept that they shouldn't carry all of their net worth in their purses. Old women's purses are snatched more frequently than the virginitys of first time tequila drinkin' college chicks. Jon Jones ended a fantastic night of becoming the UFC light heavy weight champion by beating a douche-bag who mugged an old lady within' an inch of his life.