Life
by BroBible Staff on September 20, 2011

1. Jobs Are Easy to Come By
Yeah, not so much. With national unemployment at 9.1%, only the very lucky are graduating college with a job in hand. Seventeen years of school was supposed to line you up for a sweet gig, but that went out the window somewhere between the collapse of Lehman Brothers and the day you decided to major in Sanskrit.

2. Jobs are Actually 9 to 5
Congrats, you landed a job. Now don't think you're only going to be putting in 40-hour weeks. If your boss tells you you should be at your desk by 9, he really means 7:30. And if it's 11 p.m. and no one on your floor has made a move to the exit, keep your ass in that seat.

3. You're Going to be Running the Show From Day One
Greed might be good but you've got about 30 years before you're taking Gordon Gekko's corner office. Get used to running copies, fetching coffee, and doing mind-numbing research. One day you'll be management material. Today is not that day.

4. Your Salary is Respectable and Livable
Easy there, Tea Partier: taxes haven't abolished just yet. Whatever you were expecting your paycheck to be, lop off about 30 percent of it for Uncle Sam and your aging, Social Security–eligible parents. That's right, your government and your parents are stealing your money.

5. You'll Be Hitting Up Happy Hour Every Night of the Week
You mean I can start drinking at 5 p.m. on a Tuesday and not look like a total degenerate? First of all, you're not leaving work at 5 (see #2). Second, you're exhausted at the end of a long day at work, and all you want is your couch or, if you're feeling ambitious, a trip to the gym. Maybe you'll rally and head out later, but the only drink special you'll be looking forward to each week is when the Tropicana OJ is on sale for $2.99.{pagebreak}

6. You Can Still Drink Hard on a Week Night
Granted, this is probably still true for a year or two after graduation, but by the time you hit your mid-20s (i.e. when you start muttering to friends “God, we're old”), you'll realize that a work night is really just a school night with a 9 a.m. class the next morning. And attendance is always taken.

7. It's Easier to Get Laid
Yes, in a big city, your pool of options is infinitely larger, but girls aren't so eager to hook up and you've got to work a lot harder to get them back to your place. Which also means that you have to clean your place because now girls care about shit like that.

8. Girls Are Still Impressed by Your Drinking Prowess
You can funnel three beers in under a minute? Your nickname is Shotgun? Guess what — she isn't impressed. The only drinking she cares about is the quality of the liquor or the vintage of wine you're about to buy her.

9. Your College Roommates Will Make Good Apartment Roommates
A funny thing happens when you move out of your college frat-house rat's nest into a slightly nicer, slightly smaller city apartment. You no longer want to deal with your roommates' sloppiness, disgusting habits, and propensity for taking home 4.5s who like to shout in bed. Either go solo or think long and hard before extending that offer to the guy who's pissed on your bed on more than three occasions.

10. You're Going to Explore the City 
No you're not. You're going to spend most nights at the same neighborhood dive bar. All your dates are going to be dinner at the same Italian restaurant and a movie if she's lucky. Expanding your horizons and exploring the city will amount to choosing a new strip club on the other side of town. Actually, in our world, that's one misconception we can live with.

BroBible Staff

About BroBible Staff...

Post a Comment

Your email is kept private. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>