The NFL regular season is over. Twelve teams have played themselves into the playoffs and 20 have begun to make tee times. All told, it was an incredible year with transcendent rookie talent, surprise teams, and record-breaking performances. But that doesn’t mean each and every franchise shouldn’t have some serious soul searching to do before 2013. Here are some recommended resolutions for 2013.
Kansas City Chiefs (2-14): This morning, they fired Romeo Crennel. That’s a start. There are literally thousands of things for them to address, but most namely they need to make sure Brady Quinn never steps onto the field again. Seriously, there’s only so much Quinn a guy can take and it’s very, very little.
Jacksonville Jaguars (2-14): Move the franchise to London. Get it over with … Baltimore Colts style. Pack up in the middle of the night and just flee. No one will care anyway.
Philadelphia Eagles (4-12): The Andy Reid era is over. It feels weird, doesn’t it? For so many years, his red mustache was shelter in the storm. Perhaps hiring coaches that, you know, have coached a particular discipline would be beneficial. Trade LeSean McCoy for draft picks, let Nick Foles develop, and GET A BETTER FIGHT SONG.
Oakland Raiders (4-12): They started Terrelle Pryor in the final game of the year. Take a moment and let that hilarious fact set in. The Silver and Black should hire insane fans from the Black Hole to follow Darren McFadden around 24/7 making sure he doesn’t get hurt and physically threatening any opposing players that touch him.
Detroit Lions (4-12): Realize that they’re not legally obligated to pass the ball on every single fucking play. God, I hate the Lions.
Cleveland Browns (5-11): No resolutions. The fact they drafted a 29-year-old quarterback proves they don’t live in the real world.
Arizona Cardinals (5-11): As a gesture of goodwill, let Larry Fitzgerald go to a team with a quarterback that can actually deliver the ball to him.
Tennessee Titans (6-10): Send out an e-mail reminder to every person who plays fantasy football alerting them that under no circumstances should they draft Chris Johnson.
New York Jets (6-10): HAHAHAHAHA
Buffalo Bills (6-10): Establish a revolutionary offense that puts the ball in C.J. Spiller’s hands on every play. Build a dome so the poor bastards attending games don’t also get frostbite on their dicks.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-9): Bring back the creamsicle uniforms. Enact a rule requiring the head coach to conduct press conferences like a pirate. You’re welcome, America.
San Diego Chargers (7-9): The Chargers won seven games this year? Doesn’t seem like it. Let Norv Turner coach another year, if only for the hilarity.
New Orleans Saints (7-9): Stop cheating.
Miami Dolphins (7-9): Follow the Heat’s example and sign the three biggest free-agents available, turn it into a circus, and JUST WIN, DAMMIT.
Carolina Panthers (7-9): Don’t predict another Super Bowl win. Get Cam Newton a psychiatrist to work on his emotional issues. Choose one underachieving running back and get over it. Get Steve Smith to grow five inches.