Oh boy, this is going to be trouble.
Reggie Noble: I feel no shame admitting that my life pretty much revolved around oral sex from the ages of 15 and 25. That’s normal, right? So I feel pretty confident in my opinions. Am I, however, so idealistic in the mouth-to-genital arena that I would die for these ideals? YOU DON’T WANT TO FIND OUT, BUDDY!
Personally, my groin explored more than a half-dozen mouths before I ever experienced the unique joy of returning the favor. I regret nothing.
Let’s start our discussion with being on the receiving end. Look, if you can’t find happiness while being serviced, you can’t find happiness. But I posit – and perhaps foolishly – that the great thrill is actually convincing someone to do that to you and not the actual action. Like the rest of you, started masturbating at age 14 and have barely missed a day since, so actual sexual satisfaction is not an earth-shattering revelation. Getting someone to willingly go down on you, however, is a unique thrill.
Perhaps because a deep sense of Catholic guilt was instilled in me from an early age, I was always way more concerned with the other member involved in this unholy act than myself. Looking back, I realize I was stupid for not letting myself enjoy a good blow job more. IDIOT. But then again, isn’t it natural for this activity to get a little awkward after five minutes?
Look, I understand sabremetrics shouldn’t have a place in the oral sex arena, but if you haven’t busted a nut at the five-minute mark, it’s probably not going to happen. I understand you have to either be a saint or Jason Segal in “Saving Sarah Marshall” to abort a blowjay, but facts are facts.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Isn’t it then insane to receive a 30-minute knob job?
OK, so let’s flip the script. Let’s say you’re the one doling out the pleasure. I know this is a fate worse than death to some of you. But fair is fair. She gets five minutes as well. I am ALL ABOUT equality as you can clearly tell.
I’d also like to point out that Bros in general have irrationally bad disposition toward giving head. It’s not THAT bad given the proper attitude. Instead of seeing it as a chore, view it as a challenge. Pretend you’re disarming a bomb down there and if you can’t get her to climax like, RIGHT NOW, shit’s about to blow. It’s a fun game and it will sharpen your skills.
And, hey, if she’s got a problem with you calling it a day after five good minutes, she’s probably not a keeper. Consider it up an updated version of the test in “A Bronx Tale.”
J.Camm: In our latest Hook Up Heroes a guy not only confessed that his signature move to coax a girl into having unprotected with him is to eat her into submission, but he also stated that he did it for an HOUR!
That's not unsung heroism, it's superfluous. And that’s an understatement since I’m not even accounting for the fact that he also admitted to eating this stranger’s asshole during his relentless (and ultimately failed) pursuit to get her to let him put his raw dick inside her.
Now, I’ve been in the cunnilingus game for a while, but like most dudes, it was trial by fire. No one sat me down and told me how to do it or how long to do it for. I never had the "Son, you need to tongue punch that clit into fragmented bits" talk with my father. I was miserably ill-prepared.
I was fourteen or fifteen when my tongue hosted its first vagina. It was just prior to free Internet porn exploding onto the scene, and a year or two before I finally baptized my dick in holy vag water. I was a complete novice and I don’t remember much of that night, but the next morning I realized I had much to learn because I woke up with a stiff neck and what was either a sprained or dislocated tongue.
Ignorantly, I was down there FOREVER and my idea of eating her out was tongue fucking her. No clit stimulation, no motor boating her flaps, just hardcore tongue insertion. If someone was watching from a far they would have probably called my technique “the rooster neck” because I was getting after it. IN, OUT, IN, OUT, IN, OUT.
Suffice it to say, she did not achieve orgasm, or anything remotely close to vaginal pleasure.
But we all improve; we all learn our physical limits; and thankfully, we all eventually have sex and marathon muff diving leaves our life for good. That's when the time either party spends down there should be drastically reduced.
I understand when you are younger a blowjob or scarfing snatch is a means to an end; it’s all that PRUDE will let you do so you MUST cum from it. But once you get over the humping hump, I think you should keep it to 5 – 7 minutes. Oral sex becomes like a band that had one incredible CD ten years ago. It’s still good, but it’s no longer a headliner and although you are enjoying it you kind of want them to get the fuck off the stage. Plus, some girls don’t get off from being eaten out so they don’t want you to stay down there much longer. And on top of that, if a girl blows you for too long, you’ll spend the entirety of sex trying to not cum before you finally do 90 seconds later. And nobody wants that.