Hi guys. J. Camm is out in Los Angeles hobnobbing with the Glitterati, so you’re stuck with me today. Let’s cut the chit-chat and get right to your stories for a change.
So it’s Halloween of my freshman year of college. I'm in a fraternity and one of the sororities was holding what we call a "date dash.” Basically, every sorority girl just picks a date to take to this club and grind on all night. By the way, it's themed so everyone dresses up as superheroes.
Anyway, the buses leave for the date dash and everything's normal. Everyone's getting pretty hammered for the club, and it ends up being a good party.
Sidenote: when sororities have date dashes, there are guys from different fraternities and GDIs so you really just hang out with your Bros and your date.
My fraternity was competing for top house at the time, and we would always talk shit to the other fraternity guys. Fast forward a little and we're taking the bus back, everyone plastered. The shit-talking continues on the bus ride back to campus, and when everyone gets off the bus, it escalates. Next thing you know there's a 20-on-20 brawl outside a sorority house.
Keep in mind, it's superhero0themed so literally I'm fighting alongside Ninja Turtles and shit. Must've been pretty funny to watch. I was pretty hammered at the time but I just remembered looking over and seeing Batman and Superman going at it, and started laughing hysterically.
After some serious Bro brawlage we see a cop running over to break it up. Everyone split in different directions and I end up alone. I'm pretty drunk and I didn't want any cops to see me stumbling, so I decide to stop by a nearby gas station, grab a pack of cigarettes and chill.
I'm standing in line, slurring my words, and swaying pretty bad. So the guy behind me in line sees that, and tells me he's a taxi driver and that he'll take me wherever I need to go. Chill.
So this guy is nice, smokes a couple cigs with me on the way back to my dorm, but then out of the blue asks "So, are you going to hook up with anyone tonight?"
It was pretty weird but I just played it cool and said “we'll see.” He then proceeds to ask "Are you going get your dick sucked?"
I literally paused for a second, tried to process that, and just said I don't know. Bear with me, this is bringing back some scarring memories.
So he stops the taxi at my dorm, and I hand him my money. No shit, as I reach for the handle, he goes "I'll suck your dick for another ten."
Are you fucking kidding me? I'm hammered so I just start laughing my ass off and quickly jump out of the car. I go into my dorm, knock on my floor whore's door and end up getting laid. Thought that was the end of that story, but it goes on.
About a two weeks later, our fraternity is throwing this massive banger in a pretty small house. Since there were so many people outside, the police call in a helicopter to contain the party. Me being the dumbass drunk that I am, I decide to book it across the street with both middle fingers in the air screaming "fuck the police.”
I shit you not, this helicopter follows me, just me, three blocks with a spotlight over me. I can't believe what’s going on, but I just keep running. I'm trying to lose this helicopter but...it's a fucking helicopter. You don't realize how fast you're capable of running until a police helicopter is chasing your ass. So I end up hiding in someone's yard and eventually the helicopter goes back to the party. Holy shit.
So when the coast is clear, I cautiously make my way to the nearest intersection and flag down the first taxi. As if the night wasn't weird enough already, you'll never guess who was behind the wheel of the first taxi. Yup...the taxi driver that tried to suck my dick.
My mind is just blown. I obviously refused to enter that car, and took the next taxi home.
PS. next morning I found out that if I had gotten caught by the helicopter, I would've had to pay for the cost of taking it out that night. Low price of $5,000.
When I get back to the dorm, I'm still drunk as fuck. Long story short, I end up in some girl’s room and we're hooking up, but her roommate says she needs sleep and we need to stop. Drunk as we are, we decide to take the penetration elsewhere. I end up laying this girl down on a table in the study room. We’re fucking in the middle of my floor at 3 a.m. with windows all around us. Luckily, nobody saw us, and I finish her off.
Man, that was long and featured very little hooking up. Kind of like an episode of Downton Abbey. Just kidding. I’m just jealous because the only thing a cab driver has offered me is a higher fare by taking an unnecessary detour.
To set the stage a little for my escapade, it's important to know that my story takes place freshman year, while being part of a college lacrosse team. Bro or not? That's for you to decide.
About once a year, the team has to host a large number of recruits all in one night. The freshmen, being the lowest on the totem pole, are each given a recruit to babysit, which in this case means get them as fucked up as possible without alarming their parents the next morning. Now this wouldn’t seem like much of a problem if it weren't for the fact that they are either 1) so excited they're practically pissing all over the already diseased bar floor 2) more shy than your crazy aunt’s kittens that look so adorable but refuse to go near any human life form, or 3) and in my case do not drink alcohol -- which is more or less the entire reason for them visiting.
I wasn’t going to let that ruin my night, though, so I proceeded to face as much of my bottle of Burnetts to make this kid somewhat of a pleasure to be around. As we're all pregaming in the upperclassmen apartments downtown it comes time to head out to the bar. I lean over to my recruit and attempt to persuade him one last time to come with us, but was unsuccessful. So like any pussy-craving male, I left him behind, making my journey to the bar, trying my best not to trip and eat shit on the cobblestone that some genius thought was a brilliant idea to put in a city full of drunken college kids and cheap women in high heels. As always, I make it there keeping a straight face as I approach the bouncer and strut right in.
I meet up with the other guys who were all laughing, trying to show the rest of the recruits a good time while they buy us shots with their money from mommy and daddy for the weekend. Needless to say at this point I am very intoxicated and didn’t think anything anyone did or said could faze me. That's when up walks this fit little tight-bodied chick on the track team. We had been introduced briefly before but not even close to enough for what she said next to be considered acceptable by any means.
She bumps into me holding two shots of SoCo-Lime, hands me one, and whispers in my ear.
"I liked to be choked, and have my hair pulled."
Both perfectly acceptable desires, but your opening line to someone you've barely met?? That is something I have had zero experience with and clearly was in for an interesting ride. So we start grinding on the dance floor and it's here when I decide that I'm going to be very honest with this girl since women love that and I say, "So when do you wanna go fuck?"
My inkling was correct as she tries to play it off like she's not that easy but she leads me outside in a matter of minutes. We make the trek back to the apartments to pick up my recruit and cab back to the dorms. Now this young man seems a bit confused as to what's going on but I can tell he's starting to catch on when he notices how intently my thigh is being stroked by this incredibly horny coed. Like any other college scumbag I have no money left from the bar and have the recruit pay for the cab who didn’t seem to mind.
We get back to my dorm room, which is more or less a box with two beds, where my roommate is already passed out. The recruit doesn’t even take off his jeans and slips right into his makeshift bed on the floor consisting of an old, ratty blanket and the least comfortable of my four pillows. I offer my young maiden something more comfortable to sleep in and she replies by slipping out of her black dress, unhooking her bra, and climbing into my bed.
Well, I guess that answers that I think as I join her in my slightly loose fitting boxer briefs that the ladies seem to all adore so much. I try to wait a few minutes to let the poor kid fall asleep but she is not having any of it. She immediately mounts me demanding a sexual session of romping my room has never seen, I flip her around and go to town from behind. The aforementioned hair pulling and choking comes into play here which I still feel was a bit weird, but she seemed to enjoy it. When all is said in done we both pass out, me feeling terrible for the poor boy definitely wide awake on the ground who got a recruiting visit for the ages.
My story’s just about over, minus a couple of more awkward encounters, like the next morning when she was sucking me off and she made eye contact with him on the floor, and about a half hour after that when I had to walk him to the sports center to meet up with his dad and my coach unaware of the hickies that covered my neck that only could have come from a late-night mud wrestle with a giant squid.
In the end I made one last accidental Bro move by putting my name in her phone followed by multiple money bag emojis, but forgot to put my number in with it. This led to unanswered Facebook messages and the answering of fake phone calls when seeing her around campus but in the end I would say it was all well worth it.
Side note: a month later I found out from my coach that the kid committed to my school so see you in two years bud, a bros gotta do what a bros gotta do!!
This is the least damning NCAA recruiting story in the past several years. Somehow.
If you have time to write an 800-word Hook Up Hero story, you don’t need to reassess your life. You need to send it us RIGHT CHEAAA.