Big Hhhhhwhiff from old JC on last week's mailbag, huh? I have a few valid excuses but I'll just say that sometimes you order a normal week but instead, life decides to serve you a plate of unforeseen shit. Anyway, good to be back in the metaphorical saddle, riding the majestic Ask a Bro pony. Submit your questions here.
Q: I have major dilemma here. I'll start from the beginning... I meet this hard 9 whilst working out. We start hanging out, eventually she invites me over to her place to hang out one night. While we're hanging out we got to things like what we do for work and that type of shit. She informs me that she does modeling promotions (hot chicks who get paid by Cadillac to stand next to their cars at different events like the PGA tour), has a somewhat normal job that she does at home, and that she works at a gentleman's club... I'm thinking ok well she already told me she's not a "dancer" so what the fuck does she do there? Well apparently she gets paid to hang out and have lunch with dudes... already a bit sketchy. I'm still thinking things are cool, she's a nice girl, pretty smart actually and can hold a conversation. So I'm not really that sketched out from how she made it seem. I mean, I guess I could see how guys would be down to be at a club and have this smoking hot chick who can hold a conversation with them hang out with them while they're eating steak and lobster.
After this conversation things are going well and she gets up to grab a glass of water. She comes back and before sitting down she sets in on her coffee table. All of a sudden she jumps on me while I'm sitting on the couch, a solid make out sesh goes down thereafter. This ends up happening the next couple nights until finally she lets me get it in.
She can't be a stripper cuz she's smart and made me wait to get it in right?
Fast forward a couple weeks and we're still hanging out and are now dating. I strike up the "what exactly do you do at this club" conversation with her after she said something about work. She goes into more detail about what all she does and yep to my astonishment she does have to get up on stage occassionally to dance... I'm like ok... do you have to take off your top? (idiotic question but I had to make sure) she says, "well... yes I mean I need to so that guys will want me to hang out with them after" my heart sinks.
A few weeks earlier she was talking about stopping her work at the club because she met me and yada yada. Now things have changed and she makes too much money to give it up because her family needs financial help.
So my question for you is what the hell should I do? Should I put my foot down and tell her she needs to suck it up and get a legit job? Should I break it off with her? She's already given me an out if I want to go this route since she knows it bothers me. Or should I just say fuck it and continue down the path I'm going? We already like each other a lot, the sex is great, she's a cool ass chick, and I really don't want to break it off with her even though she's basically a stripper. But that shit really bugs me and I know I would catch hell from my friends and family if they found out. What the fuck to do?
A: Jesus long-winded Christ. Couldn't have cut to the chase in less than 500 words, huh?
I want to tell you to quit being an uptight cunt and keep riding the wave if you're young, because fucking this stripper is probably a hoot, but life wasted is life wasted and if you think she might be a Bada Bing lifer, and nothing you say or do will ever change that, maybe it's time to stop wasting your time and walk the fuck away.
Clearly, you can't handle her line of work. Or, rather, you're ashamed of it. You know your tolerance levels better than anyone, but from what I can glean, the day that you're at peace with her stripping, or willing to tell your family what she does, is never going to come.
Something to also consider is how long it took for the actual truth of this profession to come out. Makes you wonder what other bombs she's hasn't dropped yet. Could be something with two arms, two legs, and no idea who its real daddy is.
(Side note: What is with all you motherfuckers using "whilst" instead of "while?" If you're going to make that kind of pompous statement in writing, you better have the nards to use it when you're actually speaking.)
Q: What the fuck is up with all the love for Chubbies and short shorts? That shit is lame as hell but these dills love rocking shorts shorter than their chicks for some reason and I can't figure it out. I would put them in the same boat as cargos, whats your thought/explanation? I live in the south where this shit is out of control
A: Brotha, I wish I had any kind of a clue why some guys rock daisy dukes, but I don't. It's one of those things that I see and hear about, but never took the time to find any answers. Come to think of it, it's a lot like transvaginal mesh commercials in that way.
/Googles "Transvaginal Mesh"
/clicks on "Images for transvaginal mesh" instead of anything informative
/immediately regrets that choice
Man. I was better off staying in the dark about that. Google needs to throw up some kind of warning before showing photos of transpussy fencing. Might I suggest one of these?
Where was I? Oh yeah, I can't imagine wearing shorts that would require me to make sure my dick didn't fall out of them when I sat down or buy all new (much shorter) boxer briefs just to wear the fucking things.
In my opinion, men shouldn't flaunt their pasty thighs all over town. An 11" or 9" inseam is acceptable but once you start rocking 7" or less I think people might become confused about where you stand and start to question if you're a highfalutin, yacht-sailing Bro or someone who regularly jerks off to John Stockton highlight reels. Not that there is anything wrong with that, dude knew his way around a bounce pass.
Q: So one day out of the blue I decided that my bro's girlfriend gave off a tail vibe meaning that i don't think she has a tail but it wouldn't be that crazy if i found out she had one. Now we just refer to her (behind her back) as Tail Girl because it pisses him off more than you'd ever think. My question is this, is it ok to make fun of a bro's girlfriend for something that can't possibly be true?
A: Hold up. Put this fucking question in reverse. What on earth made you come to the conclusion that this girl might have a tail? What kind of "vibes" does one give off that births the question "is this bitch hiding a tail in her pants?" I'd love to know.
Although I suppose it doesn't even matter if this tail theory is true or not to answer this question.
I think there is always a line in the sand of the shit you can make fun of people for, or monikers you can bestow upon them, before it becomes universally unacceptable. Tail Girl, for instance, is not that terrible. No one I know has ever battled having a tail and I'd imagine the condition is not exactly life or death. However, if you wrote in asking me if you could call someone you disliked Cancer Boy or something of similar ilk, I'd sing a different tune. But if she has a tail; or a third nipple; or hairy forearms; or an asshole chin on her face, I think it's alright to associate a nickname if that's the sort of thing that gets you out of bed in the morning.
Just for shats and gags, say she did have a tail. Not just a weird nub, but a real fucking showpiece of a tail. Do you think it starts wagging and smacking your buddy in the face when he hits the right spot banging her doggy style?
Now, armed with that mental image, go and thoroughly enjoy your next encounter with her.
Q: I currently have a part time job at a restaurant while in college. The waiters/bartenders probably only make between 20-30k a year, yet they are all able to afford without a degree what I hope to gain with one (rent, food, hobbies, vacations, random shit, going out 5 nights a week). So at what point in life does it become necessary to make more money than this?
A: The moment you graduate? Ten years from now? NEVER? I mean, it all depends on the life you want and where you live. (I was going to initially say, "it all depends on how shitty you want your life to be," but some people live under the bumper sticker mentality that "the best things in life aren't things." And I suppose they're not, but being able to afford shit, or send your kids to college, or eventually RETIRE should not be understated.) I'm also pretty sure making 20k per year in most major cities puts you well below the poverty line. So how these people are living lavishly on that money is anyone's guess (mine is: they moonlight in human trafficking).
The reason most people obtain a college degree isn't for the knowledge, but for the options and career advancement associated with it. That's not to say you can't succeed without a piece of paper hanging on your wall (or stuffed in a duffel bag somewhere in your parent's house, in my case) or reach a high level of income, but you're in for a difficult life once you hit middle-age if you're a bartender or waiter. And I don't just mean difficult in a financial sense; working nights and weekends while everyone else is off sucks asshole. And the crux of it is if you want to make decent scratch doing those things, you have to work nights and weekends. I've seen a buddy do it for years and the guy has to make the earth move to get a weekend off.
That said, I've always been an advocate for doing what makes you not want to deep throat the barrel of a gun. If working as a bartender, or some other non-office job, is your salvation, then so be it.
Q: Hey bro, I need your great guidance. I have this condition called Hirsuties coronae glandis or penile papules It's completely noncontagious. I'm going into college and want to have sex with as many girls as possible. It looks super suspect but It's nothing I can spread, and no homo but I'm pretty good down there 7.5 and I'd hate for that to go to waste over something completely harmless. What do I do if I'm in the position to score? do I just slip a condom on so she doesn't see or explain my situation every single time I'm about to slay?
A: Here we go again...
/Googles "Hirsuties coronae glandis or penile papules"
/goes right for the images like a total fucking renegade.
/wishes he died at birth.
Holy SHIT! It's a dick with teeth! Don't Google it. Don't do that to yourself. Just know that it kind of, sort of, looks like this:
Anyway, now that I've had my fill of unsavory Google image searches we can get on with your question.
I personally don't see the issue here. Unlike herpes, you can't pass the proverbial torch to anyone through sex (or otherwise) so why wouldn't you feel fine hooking up with chicks...in the darkest room imaginable? At the end of the day, HCGOPP is far from the worst thing you could have stuck to your junk and I see no need to debrief chicks prior to hooking up.
Q: So I've found myself in a bit of a pickle. This last semester I started banging this chick I met through mutual friends, and I knew beforehand that she had a bit of a reputation. Her kill count is around 20 (she doesn't know that I know that), one of which includes an on and off thing with my best friend a few years back, before I knew her. Anyway, she's developed feelings for me over the course of our banging sessions, and I'm pretty sure she wants to be exclusive with me. The problem is, I'm not sure if I can date a girl who's been with that many guys, including my best friend. Also, I'm not sure that I want to be tied down going into my fourth year of college, I'd much rather fool around as much as possible. She's a cool girl and we get along great, but I feel like a douche just leading her on without any promises.
A: Hey Bro, do you need me to get you some transvaginal mesh or are you going to get your act together and make a decision? Christ.
You just told me what you wanted to do ("I'd much rather fool around as much as possible"), so fucking do it. Quit using her numbers, or the fact that your homeboy fucked her, as an excuse not to date her. Besides, numbers are meaningless. There are two things that should matter to you when it comes to a girl you're about to date: Is she clean and am I the only person she's fucking right now? And, also, is she a stripper? Because that's a game changer.
But you don't need to ask those questions because you don't want to be with her anyway! Do the right thing and let her go... fuck another 20 guys this coming semester.
[Stripper image via ShutterStock]