Every January 1st we get a chance for renewal. Like a sorority chick waking up in a frat bedroom smelling like a gym sock that’s been drenched in roofie flavored vodka wondering if she’ll see her period for the next nine months, we can take THIS MOMENT to say “never again.” And I know that resolutions are difficult. Right now you’re staring down at the fifteen pounds you never lost, right before heading out to meet your “friend” - the one you swore you would have sex with in 2012 - for a couple of “Friendtails” (those are cocktails that “friends” share when they will never see one another’s genitals). You hear the clink of martini glasses as you two toast a new year? That’s the clink of your failure, the echo ringing through the vacuum void you call your self-worth. You poor bastard. You poor, fat, bastard. Luckily, this year, I’m going to help you out. I’m going to give you some New Year’s resolutions that are achievable AND will help your life as a “Bro.” Just like any Bro, you will crush these challenges like so many Natty Light cans after a routine Wednesday night shot-gunning sesh. Here's your mission:
I will never use a condom in 2013
In 2013 I want to start living more like a king in Game Of Thrones. And I shall produce an heir. And he shall inherit my fortune, which consists of the first season of "Airwolf" on Blu-Ray. And I shall “pull-out” like a Knight removing a sword from some Visigoth’s chest. And when I excrete yee semen onto yee wench’s chest I shall yell “Yee Areolas are under the eminent domain of the J-TRAIN!”
I will never get a New Year’s Eve Bar Special in 2013
$100? All you can drink? New Year’s Eve? Top shelf booze? Great music? Appetizers? $100?? It takes an hour to get a drink? I start ordering triple vodkas to make up for lost time? I black out at 11? You call a veggie platter an appetizer? There’s one woman and she’s fat and is probably a guy? I go to a bar crowded with so many dudes that the rubbing against them could be considered gay sex? We should rethink this night.
I will never text a girl unless it’s between 2 and 4 a.m.
Women’s expectations for daytime activities are patently outrageous. We think we need to give in to these extortionate demands for things like shopping, apple-picking, and a “painting and vino” class just to get laid. But, like any great nation, we should not be negotiating with terrorists. Stick together and we’ll change the rules - no texting, no hanging out, nothing, until 2 a.m. Plus, it will be a lot of fun to be at a bar and watch every girl’s phone light up at last call. It will be like watching the tree in Rockefeller Center light up except without love and happiness and Josh Groban and far more desperation.
I will change the sheets on my bed more than three times in 2013
I think it’s time for a quarterly sheet change. Call me crazy, but I’m a real renaissance man. I’ve read poetry. I’ve eaten exotic foods, like Mexican or the cuisine of the Orient. I believe, occasionally, a man can change his sheets. It’s a new age, men, and I intend to embrace it. And treat yourself, call up your mom and have her send you some new sheets. Don't worry, she has a coupon for Bed Bath & Beyond. Believe in this.
I will wash the toilet with something other than my own piss in 2013
I currently wash the inside of my toilet bowl by urinating as hard as I possibly can. It’s like a carnival game that happens every month. I pee really hard, the scum comes off the bowl, and then I feel light headed for a couple of minutes. My three women readers just got so wet with attraction that they are going to start cleaning my toilet with their pee which won’t work as well because women pee like a water balloon breaking (Don’t ask me how I know, just accept the information).
I will stop calling dudes “gay” for being totally gay in 2013
Instead of “gay” I’m going to start calling people “straight” when they act totally gay. Doesn’t that make more sense? If someone brings a six-pack of nice microbrewed beer to a keg party because he didn’t want to “get too drunk” and “had a big Saturday ahead of him” you’d probably say that he was “being gay.” But you just want him to hang out, get hammered, and go chase sex wherever you guys can find it. That’s probably the thing gay people do the most. He’s really acting like a guy who wears khakis up to his chest, goes to dinner with plain looking girls, only screws missionary style, and has tissue paper pre-torn and at the ready before masturbating, which is “totally straight” and not that fun.
I will stop getting drunk and having sex with fat chicks in 2013
From now on? Only obese chicks. Nothing will feel better than not wearing a condom while accidentally having sex with someone’s belly button (and BONUS, you can check belly button sex off your bucket list!).