What do we want this week? We want these things.
BBQ Donut Boat, $30,000
The BBQ Donut Boat is a slow-moving watercraft that comes equipped with a built-in BBQ and table setup. You might want to reread that sentence. Just, just reread it and appreciate the ridiculousness that is this hey-maybe-I-might-have-too-much-money? realization.
The grill is specially ventilated, so you don't need to worry about the smoke hitting you downwind. It comes with an umbrella, and it fits 10.
If Caddyshack were remade—with Vince Vaughn playing Ty Webb, Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Danny Noonan, and Bill Murray reprising his role as Carl Spackler, natch—then whoever takes over Rodney Dangerfield's Al Czervik character is definitely driving this bad boy onto the 18th-hole lagoon. It'll be terrible and unfunny, but I'll be a prophet.
Steve McQueen Jacket, $465
It was surprisingly difficult to find anything affordable for the column this week. So here we are: a $465 Steve McQueen-influenced, '70′s-esque racing jacket created to celebrate both the legendary bro and Porsche's return to Le Mans in 2014. Its throwback design will turn heads, and you can do much worse than to wear McQueen's face in the lining of a jacket. Like... This.
Chuck Norris' House, $1.2 million
This 7,000-square foot ranch-style house in Dallas somehow contained the mortal body of Chuck Norris for years. In fact, he built it himself after roundhouse kicking a nearby quarry.
The house comes with a pool, home theater, and—no joke—a workout room completely decorated with posters of Norris. (What better motivation for one more set?) There are several walk-in closets and a sizable backyard. Hey, remember when Norris told Haley Joel Osment that he had AIDS? That was awesome.
A final remember: Don't screw Norris over on the deal. A fear of spiders is called aracnaphobia. A fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia. And a fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.
SwingByte records and analyzes your swing, delivering information on your tempo, clubhead speed, and face angle relative to swing path. It's space age stuff for an old game, and it's pretty cool.
Machine Era Wallet, $28
Looking to ditch the trusty SI for Kids velcro wallet you picked up for free back in '98? Become a man with the lightweight Machine Era wallet, crafted in either high-grade aluminum or solid brass. Look up there. That guy has euros and American dollars. He's an interesting man. Women have sex with a man who carries euros and dollars.
Portable, cable-free, with a 12-hour rechargable battery: Blazar is a more than fine addition to the glutted Bluetooth speaker market.
Taylormade SLDR Driver, $399
Taylormade just released its Longest Driver Ever (the company's fourth of the year) with the SLDR—a beaut that promises a lower and more forward center of gravity, promoting "a hotter launch, low spin and faster ball speed." As with the R-series, you'll be able to adjust for a fade or draw by sliding weights into the appropriate position.
Mercedes-Benz Golf Cart, $TBA
The creatives at Mercedes-Benz designed this futuristic golf cart—featuring joystick control, speakers, a solar roof panel, a refrigerator, and somehow no way to cover your clubs in the event of a storm—as a prototype for the Open Championship. Alas, there are no plans to put it on the market. But a guy can dream, eh?
Beats by Dre, $299
Newly redesigned and "reimagined," Beats now feature a 20-hour rechargeable battery, better noise-canceling features, and a more comfortable feel. According to the press release, they are also now "sexier." Make of that what you will.
By no means is it new, but Roku deserves commendation in light of the recent news that it'll compete with the big boys at Google. I just bought one, and it's fucking awesome. The setup is painless, the channel selection is vast, and the picture quality—especially when using Netflix—is much crisper than Time Warner's HD. If you're looking for an electronic product not named "Google" or "Apple," go third-party Roku.