Let’s be real, monogamy is hard. You may love your girlfriend and how she laughs at all of your lame jokes, but sometimes you just need to go out and hook up with a rando. While your girlfriend may be the greatest, it can occasionally be too difficult to suppress your sexual desires for other women, even if she can perfectly cook your favorite meal and doesn’t complain about watching the Knicks game with you. Here are five foolproof suggestions to getting away with cheating on your girl:
1) No Facebook chatting. Come on guys! Really? You think you can Facebook chat that girl you want to hook up with over Christmas break and that your girlfriend won’t find out? Wrong. She will. Your girlfriend knows you inside and out, and if she’s the least bit suspicious that you’re cheating, the first place she will investigate is through your Facebook. Oh, she doesn’t know your password? Chances are she’s smart enough to figure it out because all of your passwords are the same and are the name of your dog. Secondly, Facebook chatting often leads to that other girl liking shit on your page, which will immediately make your girl suspicious. You may not go on Facebook that often, but your girlfriend checks your Facebook page REGULARLY. Bottom line, stay away from hitting girls up on Facebook.
2) Fake names. If your girlfriend is anything like my girlfriend, if she sees anyone besides your bros, or your mom texting you, she’ll probably get suspicious. Best way to avoid any slip ups of your mistress texting you when your with the first lady is to change her name in your contacts to one of your bro’s names, but add on an extra letter or delete a letter so that you know the difference. However, ALWAYS remember to set a passcode on your phone and to delete any conversations with your mistress. Only an idiot leaves the gun at the scene of the crime, right?
3) Pick a girl that has ZERO connections with any of your girlfriend’s friends or your girlfriend. AKA don’t cheat with another girl in her sorority, or from her high school, etc. It’s best to find someone who isn’t in your normal social sphere. Recently, a lady friend of mine was telling me how this guy she was hooking up with was also hooking up with one of her good friends, but that he had no idea that they both knew each other. No shit, it only took about a week for the two girls to realize they were hooking up with the same guy, who consequently lost both of his booty calls. DON’T BE THAT GUY. The more random of a girl you choose to cheat with, the more likely you’re to get away with it.
4) Never bring the girl back to your place. There are too many things that can go wrong and too much evidence that can be left behind. Just go to her place. While you may not notice the small things, your girlfriend does. The last thing you want is for your girlfriend to pick up on the fact that another girl has been in your room.
5) Keep it unemotional. Don’t get emotionally involved with any of the girls you’re cheating with. It’s about sex, and sex only. If you want to wine and dine a girl, take your girlfriend out. Taking your mistress to dinner, or to anywhere that you would consider taking your girlfriend, will send her the wrong message and make her think that there’s something more between you. This will drastically increase your chances of getting caught, because she will probably start to expect more out of you and become a more visible part of your life.
If you can’t get it out of your system after hooking up with some random chicks, then it’s time to cut the chord with your girl. At the end of the day, she deserves respect for all of the shit she puts up with, so if cheating is no longer about OCCASIONALLY tasting the fruits of another woman, then do the right thing and end it before she gets hurt.