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What a girl’s Halloween costume says about her

By / 10.27.13
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Girls Halloween Costumes

Gamma Man, Flickr

When you're out there in the field celebrating Halloween and cavorting accordingly, make sure to heed our guide on what a girl's Halloween costume says about her. If a girl's committed to her character, this can save your life.

Photo credit: Gamma Man, Flickr

-Frisky personality
-Is prone to the silky smooth movements that accompany the real-life version of her costume
-Has a tail that isn't the result of a genetic deformity

-High risk of scratch-related injury
-May be suffering from toxoplasmosis
-Her rear may unexpectedly rise during heavy petting sessions

-Totally done up and living out every girl's childhood dream means she'll never look better
-Who among us hasn't wanted to seduce a princess? Now's your chance minus all of the royalty and social achievement
-May have a car made out of produce

-She has to be a little egomaniacal to dress up like a princess, doesn't she?
-You can live with the outfit but the constant breaking into songs with talking woodland creatures probably gets exhausting after a while

-May clean your house if you pretend it's all a part of some saucy roleplay
-This is a pretty quintessential male fantasy
-Her look is exotic but not "scary exotic"

-Probably more focused on eternal war against dust bunnies than your happiness
-May have a French impression that sounds vaguely like Steve Martin in The Pink Panther
-You're sort of betraying America by not finding love with her Latin American counterpart

-You have to be a little bit of a bad girl to pick this kind of costume...she may have questionable moral standards
-Won't take offense when you can only afford to feed her bread and water
-Is comfortable being handcuffed

-You can only get a conjugal visit if you're married
-Horizontal stripes can make her look wider than she actually is. Also kind of like the Hamburglar. Maybe this is a pro?

-Dressing up like a beloved children's character means she's fun and kind of goofy
-If you're dressed like a similar character, you can have one big socially unacceptable love session
-If the second item is true, you can really traumatize local trick or treaters

-Uh, it's a little creepy if we're being honest
-If she's short and dressed like a really young character, I'm pretty sure you could -- and should -- be arrested for even speaking to her

-Rare opportunity to use the phrase "horn of plenty" to pick a girl up
-May accept beads in lieu of a date
-Can control the weather through rhythmic dance moves, which is sexy in a "Bond villain" kind of way

-Won't stop talking about maize and its many uses
-Can be confusing if you frequently use the word "how" in sentences
-Could hold the whole "mass genocide" thing against you

-Has to drink a lot otherwise this costume is one great big disappointing lie
-You can play with her sword without having to ignore an oversized Adam's apple

-Hygiene was not a staple of the real-life incarnation of her people
-There's a decent chance her costume is way more manly than yours
-She could light your house on fire the morning after, just to fully embrace the character

-Those glasses aren't real. In fact, I doubt her nerdiness is genuine at all!
-For some reason, the idea of a female nerd is less grounded in reality than any other costume and is often the trashiest, calculators-as-nipple-tasslesiest costume around

-She won't actually play World of Warcraft with you
-Girls hate when you give them wedgies and shove them in lockers as foreplay

-You know she's legitimately into whatever the costume is, not like that damn fake nerd previously discussed
-Hot? Check. Able to discuss Isaac Asimov's works at length? Check.

-She's as socially awkward as you are
-Just because you have a proton gun and she's dressed like Serina from Battlestar Galactica doesn't mean she won't ditch you for the muscular douche in the 300 costume in a heartbeat

-Are you a blue collar guy? Jackpot. No high maintenance girl would dress up like a public servant
-It's a fairly altruistic costume choice compared to princesses or French maids. This is a costume by the common man, for the common man.

-You will want to make a pun related to her fictional profession. She will have had it yelled at her 500 times already that night.
-I don't want to know what adventures can happen when you're both drunk and a nightstick is nearby. Do you?

No. Just no.

(Previously published on October 31, 2012.)

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About Chris Spags... "Internet Heartthrob" Chris Spags is a former comic and the founding editor of In addition to overseeing all Guyism content and business development, he covers Humor for the site daily. He was recognized on the street once and it was awesome.
TAGSArbitrary RankingsfeaturedHalloweenHalloween costumesWhat girl Halloween costume says about herWhat woman's costume says about herWomen's halloween costumes

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