Everybody loves a good amusement park. You eat corn dogs, ride roller coasters, harass some poor dude dressed up in a Donald Duck costume in 90 degree weather and worship Stalin. Wait… what? Yes, it would seem that some theme parks are a little, uh, weirder than others. These are the amusement parks that are amusing for all the wrong reasons, and the one common theme all these theme parks have in common is that they will give your children nightmares. But hey, kids all have to grow up sometime, and so you might as well take them to one of these, eight of the weirdest amusement parks in the world.
Located on Jeju Island in South Korea, Love Land doesn’t have any cool rides but what it does have is a park filled with sculptures – 140 of them – depicting people in various sexual positions. In case people don’t get the point, the park also runs sex education films and has something called a “Masturbation Cycle” which… I don’t even wanna know. All I do know is that you probably should wear a helmet on a masturbation cycle. And maybe a condom depending on who rode it before you. There are also stone monoliths of giant dicks because the people of Korea need something to aspire to I guess, stone labia sculptures which I’m guessing really set the mood and god only knows what else. All that’s missing are naked clowns making dildo shaped balloon animals.
Located in Tokyo, Puroland is an indoor theme park run by the Sanrio Company, creator of Hello Kitty. Yeah, you can already see where this is going. Once inside, you get to take a tour of the exciting and disturbing world of Hello Kitty, including a tour of her “house,” which includes Renaissance style portraits of her family (I’m not making this up, I swear to God), and a bathtub shaped like her face. I’m guessing that anyone who visits has to sign some sort of registry so the government can keep track of their movements and ensure they don’t come within 100 yards of a school. Then again, it’s Japan, they probably have vending machines set up selling Hello Kitty’s used panties.
Located in Florida – where else? – the Holy Land Experience is a Christian theme park owned by the Trinity Broadcasting Network and run by the infamously nutty Jan Crouch. Inside, you can find a Scriptorium, which sounds kind of like a Christian Death Metal band name, but is really a museum of sorts featuring ancient Bible manuscripts, along with 40 other exhibits, all of which center around depictions of life from back in the day when Jesus was running wild. The funniest/creepiest of which is probably the Last Supper Communion, in which guests are invited to partake in the Last Supper with Jesus and his boys. I feel bad for the dude who has to play Judas because you just know he gets all kind of shit at that dinner night after night. Mmmmm, sacrilicious.
Located in Chatham, England, Dickens World is, well, it’s a theme park devoted to the life and works of Charles Dickens. Hey, you’ve got me, I don’t know how in the hell that’s supposed to be exciting or interesting either. The theme park is built to look like 19th century England which given Dickens’ depressing themes is probably a huge hit with the kids. The only mildly interesting exhibit in the whole place seems to be Ebenezer Scrooge’s Haunted House which is probably a knockoff of every haunted house you can find at every cheap carnival that rolls through town. Other than that, there’s a themed restaurant and bar (because even they know you’ll need to get drunk to tolerate this nonsense) and a Victorian school room exhibit, which… I’m falling asleep just writing this so let’s just move on, shall we?
Located in Denmark, Bonbon-Land is weird in a very, very European way. It just seems like one of those things that just doesn’t translate culturally. Obviously, the name and theme itself – a celebration of the Bonbon aka Peg Bundy’s favorite food – is really weird all on its own. But what truly takes Bonbon-Land over the top is that it is littered with strange statues with names like “The Farting Dog” and “The Peeing Ant.” And these aren’t just weird names, they’re literal descriptions of what these statues are supposed to be. There is also a Farting Dog roller coaster because, uh, reasons I guess. Basically, this is the sort of thing you just shake your head slowly at and say “Europe.”
The Amora is actually sort of a touring theme park, which first set up in London’s Piccadilly Circus for 15 months starting in April of 2007 and has since traveled to other locales. Basically, it’s a sex park. But instead of just weird statues and Masturbation Cycles like Love Land, Amora is an interactive theme park featuring among other things, a Spankometer which gauges how hard to paddle your partner’s ass. The park itself is divided into eleven separate and ridiculous sections, including an Orgasm Tunnel, a “Sexplorium” which focuses on sex toys, and a “Sensorium” in which visitors play with animatronic models wired to respond to your fondling their erogenous zones, which I’m guessing will somehow lead to a Terminator-style insurrection. Of course, there’s also a gift shop because what would any amusement park vacation be without a souvenir vibrator for Grandma?
Founded in Lithuania in 2001, Grutas Park is better known by its unofficial nickname: Stalin’s World. Yeah. For some ridiculous reason, someone thought it would be a good idea to create a park dedicated to the Soviet era featuring dozens of statues of Soviet leaders and revolutionaries. I bet they don’t even have something cool like a Masturbation Cycle either. No, what they do have as a major tourist “attraction” is a recreation of a Soviet Gulag prison camp because hey, what kid doesn’t love pretending to be a political prisoner freezing to death in Siberia? This is just the most stereotypically grim Russian thing ever, isn’t it? I’m almost surprised they don’t just have an exhibit of a wrinkled old woman with a face like a catcher’s mitt eating old beets while her husband drinks straight vodka and lovingly fingers his pistol.
Also translated as “Dwarf Empire” the Kingdom of the Little People is a Chinese theme park whose sole purpose seems to be to make fun of dwarfs. Every employee is required to be shorter than 4’3” and they live in specially modified little dorms when they’re not working. When they are, they put on performances such as "Swan Lake" and do hip-hop routines before retreating to tiny little mushroom houses while spectators all point and laugh. There is also a “Dwarf King,” a three foot tall dude who wears a gold cape and rides around on a tricycle. Somewhere, Tyrion Lannister is drawing up plans to invade China and put an end to all this nonsense, but for now, the Kingdom of the Little People stands tall (sorry…) as the weirdest amusement park in the world.
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