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9 products that aren’t better with bacon

By / 06.30.12
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cookbookman17, Flickr


Despite what Ron Swanson or the judges of Top Chef might have you believe, everything isn't better with bacon. Don't get us wrong, we love bacon, and we love when it pops up in unconventional food pairings. But at some point the bacon obsessives took things too far. Before there's a bacon backlash (baconlash), we reasonable baconites must speak out and prevent the horde of bacon extremists from hijacking our salted, cured slabs of piggy tummy. These 9 questionable bacon products are the enemy, people.

Photo credit: cookbookman17, Flickr

Assuming it tastes good (which, let's be honest, it doesn't), it would only make you lick your lips more, thus making your lips more chapped, thus requiring more balm. It's the Escher staircase of chapstick.

Bacon is bad for you, but at least it comes from things that exist in nature. The homogeneous chemical pastes known as fast food milkshakes are also bad for you, but at least they weren't flesh-colored and pumped with God knows how much artificial smoke flavoring. Until now. If you love slurping that pink pre-nugget chicken goop, then you'll probably love this.

Ever wonder what it's like to floss with that stingy piece of stringy bacon fat that you can never quite sever from your breakfast sandwich? No, you haven't. Because nobody has.

You know when you get an epic hangover from a night spent pounding just one type of drink, and for years after, the mere flavors of that drink immediately activate your gag reflex? (For many college freshmen, it's red Gatorade or Hawaiian punch.) So why would you want to risk doing that to bacon, the miracle hangover meat?

There's no winner in the crispy bacon vs. chewy bacon debate when it comes to freshening breath.

The perfect anniversary gift for the girlfriend you hate. To paraphrase Poison, "Every rose has its pork."

Look, we're just as shocked as you to find out that after receiving bacon roses, your date would need assistance in the moistness department. Not to mention your post-coital stench already has enough salty notes and hints of pork. Here's our question: if you're the type of person whose irrational love of bacon seeps into the bedroom, then why not man up and use bacon grease, nature's porcine lube?

That's right, there are still things on this list more horrifying than bacon sexual lubricant. The great thing about bacon toothpaste is that if you run out of it, you can resort to using your Baconnaise.

Tired of attracting dogs at the bar? Lather yourself with bacon soap and they'll be running for the hills. Unfortunately, you'll now attract actual dogs.

(Originally published on February 29, 2011.)

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TAGSArbitrary RankingsBaconBacon FlossBacon GumBacon Lip BalmBacon LubeBacon milkshakeBacon Mintsbacon productsBacon RosesBacon SoapBacon ToothpasteBacon VodkaBakon VodkafeaturedListsOdd combinationsToo much baconWeird bacon products
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