50 percent of Americans will have a smart phone by Christmas of this year, with overall cell phone usage at a staggering 82 percent in the States alone. We’re undoubtedly living in as connected a world as ever, but at what cost? The prevalent use of mobile technology has turned average people into obnoxious and raving lunatics. There’s using a cell phone, and then there’s letting that mobile confidence builder consume you. Here are 7 ways that your cell phone is making you look like an idiot.
7 You take it out in inappropriate situations
A person should think about their cell phone like it’s their penis. When pulling it out, be very clear that it’s during an appropriate time to use it. For the love of God, don’t pull out your phone at a funeral, because like I said, you wouldn’t pull out your dick at said occasion. Or maybe you would, as you’re a fan of having two rigid and stiff things at one shindig. Shame on you. Put that boner away and pay your respects to your Great Uncle Rupert.
6 You take self-portraits with it
The self-portrait is not inherently terrible, albeit a little vain on the behalf of the taker. But one where you can literally see the cell phone in the picture places the subject firmly in the d-bag artiste zone. You mean to tell me that you couldn’t find another person to snap a photo of you while you’re in the bathroom making a duck face, surrounded by soiled undergarments. Shocking.
5 You use it in to narrate your fantasy football triumphs and pitfalls
We love fantasy football, don’t get us wrong. But that adoration is a very personal emotion. We love our team, not yours. Hearing about how Tony Romo just shit the bed for your squad is about as entertaining as hearing about how the girl you drunkenly hooked up with last night literally shit the bed. As guys, if it didn’t happen to us, then we don’t give a flying fantasy fuck.
4 You have an obnoxious ring tone
There are three options, and three options only. Silent. Vibrate. Simple ring. If you’ve got a top-40 song blasting out of your cell phone, a person in close proximity has the right to “put a swing on it.”
3 You send emails from it with dopey signatures
We get it, you’re responding to our urgent inquiry from somewhere other than at your office. But under no circumstance should your email signature from your mobile device read, “sent from the streetz” (note the use of the z) or even worse, “sent from Chad’s phone that rests next to his dick that he slams hot babes with.” Don’t do it.
2 You use it to butcher the English language
Any adult who uses LOL needs to get kitfh (kicked in their fucking head). I by no means am a professor laureate when it comes to grammar, but every time I hear or see people use dainty shorthanded language to interact with one another, it makes me feel like I’m being circumcised by an ampersand-shaped knife.
1 You take dirty pictures with it
The cell phone camera has led to more trouble than good for those intrigued by seeing their own junk with a sepia-toned hue around it. “Look, darlin’, my penis looks just like Billy the Kid’s!” If you’re going to act like a jerk and do everything above, we’re okay with it, but bad behavior begets more bad behavior. And the next thing you know, your “dick pic” will come to define you like “deep throat” did Mark Felt.
(Originally published on December 5, 2011.)
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