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7 ways to know you watch too much porn

By / 04.08.12
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There used to be a time when you had to acquire porn like it was conflict diamonds. You’d give a friend of a friend your locker combination, and after sixth period, you’d open it up and find a magazine called Jug Pumpers folded and creased inside. But with the advent of the Internet, suddenly the manual orgasm was a finger click and a balled fist away.



Now if guys can’t drink beer in moderation, then there is no way they can put their ejaculatory frequency on a quota system. Thus, the abuse of porn. Here are seven ways you know that you watch too much porn.

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Only rookie Internet spankers forget to clear their cache after a session. It’s like leaving the toilet seat up, except your old lady is gonna find Web history that plays out like pornographic, fetish madlibs. You never want your girlfriend or wife asking you what a “nipple bag” is, and whether you’d hold it for her while she tries on dresses at Macy’s.

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We’re in an economic crisis people! Every couch cushion has been excavated for change to feed mouths and pay utilities. Any leftover dough should be used for illicit instruments meant to numb the pain. But this does not include paying for “premium” passes to Bang Canoe.

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It’s okay. You can be honest. We’re not here to judge. We’ll just be sure to abstain the next time we see you out at a bar and you want a high-five.

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Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Kleenex is next to your laptop. That’s the circle of life for tug-lovin’. I’d be willing to wager that half of all of Kleenex usage directly correlates to porn viewing. As for the sock...



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Guys don’t even recognize when their best girl got a haircut or dropped ten pounds. So if you’re one of those select few xy-chromosomes who can actually tell when a satin sheet prancer has gotten plastic surgery, you definitely have a problem. For the love of God, don’t be that guy. Limit your observations to recognizing whether or not the carpet matches the drapes.

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Let me cut to the chase. It ends with something on her face. Every time. As more and more pornographic films start to spoof mainstream programming and films, one must never worry about having plot details revealed to them. It’s paint by numbers, only that’s not a brush in the woman’s hand.

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There is never an occasion when you should choose the word “girth” over “thick.” There are tons of teenage boys out there who are alerting their mothers to their pornographic behavior due to the following conversation:
“Be sure to wear your coat, it’s cold outside.”
“Oh, Mom! It’s not that cold. Plus, that jacket has too much girth!”



Originally published on August 15, 2011.

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