Yelp helps us pick restaurants, praise them for a great experience and berate them for failing to deliver. But it also reflects human nature in unexpected ways. Here are the nine types of reviewers you will find on Yelp. Which one are you?
Did we forget any? Let us know in the comments.
9. The Butthurt
The food was great, the atmosphere was wonderful, and the overall experience would have been too, except for the fact that the waiter wasn’t gratuitously friendly. Ouch.
Rating: 1 Star
8. The Out of Place
Some people have no business going on Yelp to post a review at all. These people are: vegetarians who feel betrayed by the dearth of options at a salumeria or barbecue joint, a meat-lover complaining about the dainty selection at the vegetarian place they were dragged to by their hippie girlfriend, someone who’s never had Indian food before and then complains that it’s too flavorful for their white bread palate, someone who pops into a highly regarded restaurant with beautifully presented, unique dishes and is upset to find there is no option for a green salad with skinless boneless grilled chicken and dressing on the side.
Rating: 1 Star
7. The Diva
Divas can pretty much be summed up by the bitchy things they vocalize: “My burger was too ethnic tasting.” “They didn’t have my favorite brand of bottled water.” “Their bathroom didn’t have an attendant.” “Their valet parking took soooooo long.” “It wasn’t expensive enough to feel like a splurge.”
Rating: 1 Star
6. The Cheap
So, you’ve just graduated from high school as well as from Chipotle being your big splurge meal. And you can’t understand why the appetizers cost twice as much as a value meal. Oh, you’re not a high schooler? Maybe just go to a place that’s within your means then. And don’t decide to leave the wait staff tip-less, just on principle.
Rating: 2 Stars
5. The Debater
No matter how many four- and five-star reviews exist for the business they’re reviewing, they have oh so many quite significant complaints, and will point them out along with a defiant mention of how everyone else with four- and five-star reviews is wrong. Maybe there’s some merit to what they’re saying, but it’s okay to dislike this Yelper anyhow.
Rating: 2 Stars
4. The Business Owner
The business owner sometimes steps in to comment on reviews. If they have a sense of customer service, they’ll show gratitude for positive reviews and remorse for negative ones. Then there are the ones who go all Amy’s Baking Company on the hapless reviewer and burst a skull vessel at any hint of dissent, whether deserved or not.
Rating: 1-5 Stars
3. The Hangry
Ravenous folks don’t have a lot of patience. And for some, there’s only a fine line between hunger and anger. At that point it becomes the eatery’s job to calm their hunger pangs and raise their blood sugar. But if a bread basket does not grace the table, you can be there’ll be hell to pay…on the Internet.
Rating: Since it’s understandable and I may or may not be one of these people, 3 Stars
2. The Photog
Almost every picture that makes it onto Yelp looks terrible. Thankfully, there is one type of user that actually takes pride in the picture they take, paying attention to composition, color and subject rather than taking indistinguishable globs of grayish matter or an over-exposed piece of who-the-hell-knows on a bed of what-the-crap-is-that?
Rating: 4 Stars
1. The Hilarious
If a review starts off with something along the lines of “Have you ever cried through your butt? Would you like to?” you might be in for a treat. Some Yelpers have been blessed with an abundance of wit – and they use it well. We salute you, hilarious Yelp reviewers.
Rating: 5 Stars
Yelp image by Gil C/Shutterstock
Locked money image by Shutterstock
Bill Engvall image by Randy Miramontez/Shutterstock