Let’s face it, most couples are awful. Sure, it’s kind of fun to be in one – for a few weeks or months, at least – but everyone around you secretly wants to punch you in the face. This is because you probably end up acting like one of the following. It’s not necessarily your fault, it’s just the nature of the beast, but just be aware that you are, in fact, involved in one of the 10 types of couples that everyone hates.
10. Fighters
Yes, your passion is so explosive that blah blah blah. We get it. You fight hard and then you bone hard. But the thing is, is that all that fighting is really, really uncomfortable for the rest of us. You are not alone. You see all those anthropomorphic flesh-bags staring awkwardly at anything other than you while you carry on like a rabid orangutan? Yeah, those are people. And you are making life pretty shitty for all of them, especially your friends, who just want to chill without being reminded of the time mommy hit daddy with a lampshade and then they had to go live with Uncle Court-Appointee for six months.
9. Lovers
Look, we’re glad that you’re not fighting, but we also don’t want to have to worry about a porno breaking out every time you’re in the room together. Get off his goddamn lap, we’re trying to watch the game. The only thing as awkward as being alone in the same room with a couple who won’t stop fighting is being alone in the same room with a couple who just start going at it. We don’t know what to do. Do we just quietly leave? Break that shit up with a fire hose? Critique your performance? Get the camera? Really, the only thing we can do is stare straight ahead like a horse with blinders on, and hope we don’t get hit by any stray fluids.
8. Facebook/Twitter Couple
This is that couple that seems to only communicate through Facebook posts or Twitter messages, which… go away. Please? It’s like being forced to read somebody’s sappy text-messages, or being forced to read their lame love notes being passed back and forth during class. You do know that all your friends can see that shit, right? You’re not alone. I know it feels like it, since you apparently never leave your phone/computer/whatever robo-technology that keeps you going, but “social media” means exactly that: it’s social. That means you should ask yourself if you’d say that same dumb, quasi-creepy comment to your significant other if you were stuck at a table full of your best friends. That would be awkward, right? Of course it would, so quit clogging up everyone else’s feeds/creeping them out.
7. One of You is the Boss
These couples are awful. One of you is the alpha in the relationship, and the other just goes along with whatever the other says. It’s painful to watch. You just know that at some point down the line that the more submissive partner is going to blow up, and pull a full-on “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore!” speech in front of everybody. Meanwhile, before then, it’s uncomfortable because no one really knows what to do. I mean, this is a quasi-abusive situation. It’s not quite so blatant that you can just step in and set someone straight – in fact, both of them will tell you mind your own business – but it’s uncomfortable enough that it’s really hard to be around.
6. The Condescending Couple
This is the couple that thinks that because they’ve got a successful relationship – at least for now – that they suddenly know all the answers to life’s questions, and will feel free to tell you all the ways that your life is crap, and that they’re “worried about you,” because you haven’t given yourself over to their domestic god. They suddenly become the wise elders who take it upon themselves to school the poor, lonely fools who they call their single friends. And they’ll do it all in that really patronizing tone that your parents used to take. “Well, you know communication is very important. That’s what we’ve learned…” Just know that if you try to give us self-help books or take us to classes where people hit each other with foam paddles and use “talking sticks” like kindergartners, we reserve the right to try to break you up. It’s for the good of everyone involved.
5. The Excluders
This is the couple that just huddles in the corner all night, cuddling and laughing at whispered in-jokes. They’re so in love that it’s like the rest of the world doesn’t exist. That’s great for them, but it’s not so great for their friends who just wanted to hang out. I’m not even talking about weird third wheel stuff. That’s as much on the third wheel as it is on the couple. I’m talking about the couple who just breaks off constantly from the larger group and forgets how to interact with other people. It’s like they’re afraid to step outside of their little bubble, and that’s just not healthy. You have to find a balance. Or at least stop whispering all the time. You look like an asshole.
4. The On/Off Couple
So. Much. Drama. This tends to be an evolution of the couple that fights all the time. Eventually, they break up because… passion! But then they get back together because… passion! And in between they spend all their time brooding and bitching neurotically to their friends because… passion! Meanwhile, the rest of us get completely worn out. Just make a decision and go with it. Nobody wants to actually have to live through a lame CW melodrama. At least in those someone eventually gets eaten by vampires or wolves. In the real life version, it goes on and on and on with maddening predictability, and one of your friends just ends up stealing your phone so you can’t text anymore.
3. It’s Always About Them
No matter what you’re talking about, or what you’re going through, this is the couple that finds a way to bring it back to them. Mention that new bagel shop and they’ll start giggling and talk about how cute it was when he burned that bagel the morning after their first night together. Tell them that you’re pissed off at your boss and they’ll end up talking about the time she almost got fired because she couldn’t stop texting him during a meeting. Lean on them when your dad dies and they’ll talk about how they can’t wait to have a family of their own. And then at the funeral, you’ll catch them talking about their wedding. It just never ends.
2. The Single Personality
This is the couple that assimilates like she’s the Borg queen with a subscription to Cosmo. It’s creepy as hell, and it’s even more irritating. Suddenly, he enjoys antiquing on Sundays, and that movie you always used to make fun of together? Yeah, they’ve got tickets to go see the Broadway version. Look, it’s good and healthy to have similar interests, but it’s even more important to respect each other’s unique interests. The last thing you want to do is to become the mirror image of the other person, because then you’re basically just masturbating. Sure, it’s with a version of yourself that has nice boobs and a hot ass, but even that will get boring after a while. And then all you’re left with is an unnatural appreciation for Twilight, and nobody needs that.
1. The Couple That Argues Through You
This is the absolute worst. Usually, this happens when you become close friends with both members of the couple. You give one piece of advice one time, and pretty soon they’re both meeting with you to vent about the other one and pass on messages whenever they’re not getting along. It’s juvenile and it’s unfair, and it puts you in an impossible position. You basically become a part of the relationship, but only the really shitty parts. And then it just gets dysfunctional and creepy and weird, and pretty soon she’s crying to you about some awful thing he did, and he’s getting upset because you’re supposed to be his friend first, and then they end up boning down on your futon when it’s all over while you wonder what terrible thing you did in another life to be trapped in this hell. But hey, at least you get to end up hating your best friends.
(Previously published on December 13, 2013.)
Annoying couple image by Shutterstock
Kissing couple image by Shutterstock
Couple image by Shutterstock
Woman yelling image by Shutterstock