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9 things that unquestionably make you a badass

By / 01.29.14

<a href="" target="_blank">Badass image</a> by Shutterstock

Having a big bank account, big muscles and a big penis may make you irresistibly attractive to shallow women no matter what your other qualities are, but those things do not make you a badass. No, a true badass can practically move mountains with awesome ability, serious technique and deep inner confidence. Let’s take a look at a handful of things that make you a total badass.

9 Working with meat


<a href="" target="_blank">Man grilling image</a> by Shutterstock

Smoking, grilling, carving, fileting, sausage-making, basting, trussing up, curing, marinating, herb-rubbing, stuffing, broiling or frying, a man’s ability to do wonderful things with meat makes him a badass.

8 The ability to blow smoke rings


<a href="" target="_blank">Smoke rings image</a> by Shutterstock

That shit is awesome. If you can do this, you’re a badass, and also possibly have an addiction you may want to address at some point.

7 The ability to whistle with two fingers


<a href="" target="_blank">Whistling image</a> by Shutterstock

You just literally made two of your fingers into a loud instrument that can stop everyone in hearing range right in their tracks. That’s badass.

6 Spitting into a spittoon


<a href="" target="_blank">Spitoon image</a> by Shutterstock

Just because you’re disgusting doesn’t mean you can’t also be a badass.

5 You’re a magician


<a href="" target="_blank">Magician image</a> by Shutterstock

No one knows how you do what you do, so as long as your act is good the sheer mystery of the things you know versus what your audience does not makes you an absolute badass…at least until the show is over.

4 Being able to hit a machine and make it work


<a href="" target="_blank">Jukebox image</a> by Shutterstock

The Fonz is with you, inhabiting your spirit and allowing you to do practically magical things with jukeboxes, vending machines and ATMs.

3 Enter a wood chopping competition and win


<a href="" target="_blank">Wood chopping image</a> by Shutterstock

Oh my &%($@ god, are you kidding me? This is the most badass thing ever. Unless of course the chopped wood was then used to smoke a hog that would then feed a poor village in some non-denominational country that I can’t get in trouble for mentioning in relation to poverty. Because that would be even badder.

2 Make intense, sustained eye contact


<a href="" target="_blank">Staring image </a>by Shutterstock

Until the other person is frightened, horny or BOTH.

1 You’re a firefighter


<a href="" target="_blank">Fireman image</a> by John Hanley/Shutterstock

Though much of the job is spent around the firehouse or answering calls for non-fire related incidents, the few times that you are called upon to fight fire makes you a true badass unlike any other. We salute you.

TAGSArbitrary Rankingsfeaturedhow to be a badasshow to be toughListsthings that make you toughtough guystraits of a badasswhat is a badasswhat makes a badasswhat makes a guy tough
Jason Epstein
About Jason Epstein... Jason Epstein is a nationally published freelance writer living in the greater NYC area. He's known for his close friends/good conversations/playing bass/wind in the face/rocking out/reading up/holding it down/good times/turning on dimes/and sometimes trying to rhyme(s). He can be reached at his website and you can follow him on Twitter here.

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