The life of a video game character is pretty glamorous. But much like superheroes, they have to keep day jobs too. And some of them blow. Hard. Here are eight of the worst.
Photo credit: Pop Culture Geek, Flickr
8 Peter Pepper
Job: Short order cook (with mutant vegetables attacking you)
Benefits: Free pepper; Unlimited snacks
Many people have dreams of being a chef. That’s not so bad. But being a chef who only makes burgers basically puts you in line with the greasy kid from the McDonald’s down the street. And being a chef who assembles these giant burgers by walking all over them makes you a crapty chef at that. Unless your feet are the special ingredient, in which case, that’s pretty impressive.
But even worse than that, Peter Pepper has to deal with Mr. Egg, Mr. Pickle, and Mr. Hot Dog, each a human-sized version of their last name (how convenient) trying to stop him from making his giant footburgers. It’s not really clear why they don’t want you to make the burgers since, ostensibly, that’d stop you from cooking them alive. But what do you expect from food that suddenly gained autonomy?
7 Ice Climbers (Popo and Nana)
Game: Ice Climber
Job: Climbing ice
Benefits: Getting to reenact scenes from Cliffhanger
In spite of their mallets and ability to do something very few people could do, it’d be hard to get excited to be an Ice Climber. Why? Well A) It’s much less scenic than all those free HD channels would lead you to believe and B) Because their job is to recover vegetables from a renegade Condor.
So you’ve got some asshole Condor who keeps stealing your vegetables while you’ve got to climb and climb and climb and then you have to kill other endangered species of bird and fight polar bears and it’s just like…how did these indigenous little Eskimos go so wrong? And just wait until PETA hears about this. Try explaining to them that the reason you attacked the Condor with a mallet was because he stole your eggplant. I don’t think they could relate to the plight of your simple igloo-loving ways.
Game: Super Mario Bros.
Benefits: Feces. Lots of feces.
Forget all his other temp jobs as a tennis judge, referee, doctor, there’s one job that Mario had in the real world that he really owned: Plumber. And sure, if you’re to believe the Super Mario Brothers Super Show, as seen in the clip below, a supremely faulty drain (how fed up do your fixtures have to be to open up a gateway to another world) that Mario was plumbing somehow resulted in him being sucked into Mushroom Kingdom.
But forget that, do you realize how many drains Mario and his broke ass brother were cleaning out of pubes and sludge and mucus before they got to that Mushroom Kingdom? No wonder he never said, “Hey Princess, mind sending me back to Brooklyn?” Stomping on the heads of some evil mushrooms with shoes and dealing with a firebreathing turtle is a picnic next to a stopped toilet in a Williamsburg homeless shelter.
5 B.D. Joe
Game: Crazy Taxi
Job: Taxi Driver
Benefits: Substantial tips, no way to get charged with vehicular manslaughter
I’m going with B.D. Joe for this one because he seemed far more above it than the other characters in the game. Joe had dreams, hopes, a Jamaican accent. But he also engaged in a profession which kind of blows. Did you know that you know that most male cab drivers pee in a bottle to keep going and maximize fares during shifts? I’m pretty sure I didn’t just make that up, though I suppose that’s always a possibility.
So not only does he have to piss in a Snapple bottle (Snapple Fact: Don’t drink me), but he has to endanger his life, and everyone else’s, to get more money from his patrons. Yeah let’s see, let me drive up on this roof and leap off all so I can shave 2 seconds off your trip to KFC. Awesome. And then you can’t even take your aggressions out by steamrolling innocent pedestrians because they always leap out of the way. What’s the point of being a cab driver if you can’t commit a bit of vehicular manslaughter?
Game: Street Fighter II
Job: Bear wrestler
Benefits: Communism treated its bear wrestlers like Kings
No matter where you are in life, there are very few times where you’d think that being thrust into a tournament where you fight to the death against some of the best fighters of the world, some of whom are capable of conjuring up balls of fire to launch at you, would be an upgrade. But one of those few times belongs to Zangief.
Nevermind the fact that the guy couldn’t throw a fireball or break the sound barrier with his fists or spit flame or, really, do anything of note like his competitors; this is a man deserving of your respect. The guy wrestled BEARS. And not tussling around with a stuff teddy while pretending you’re the Ultimate Warrior like you and I may have. He wrestled full on grizzlies. And lived. And not only that, but he had to do it while in Soviet Russia (where BEAR gets mauled by YOU). You try wrestling a bear under any circumstances, let alone hopped up on steroids, vodka, and potatoes while the KGB insist that an 8-foot tall bear is a threat to your glorious regime.
This kid who was the Paperboy always struck me as a bit too old to still be a Paperboy. I guess that’s neither here nor there though since he clearly had a passion for slinging the news at the homes of customers. Better than those lazy kids in movies set in the 1920s standing on the corner shouting out headlines. Get some wheels, slacker. But anyway, the Paperboy had a tough road just to make enough money to take a girl out and hopefully get some boob. Check out a list of the obstacles from the Paperboy Wiki:
The player must stay alive by avoiding obstacles that appear along the street. Some obstacles include everyday nuisances such as bees, fire hydrants, storm drains, break dancers, cars, skateboarders, drunks, and kids playing with radio controlled toys and even rather bizarre foes such as a tornado, oversized house cats, and even the Grim Reaper himself.
You know your job is fed up when “break dancers” and “drunks” are considered an everyday nuisance while an oversized house cat is a bizarre foe. Such is the life of the Paperboy. Up is down, black is white, it’s your job to make sense of it all…and deliver the news to the world.
Game: Devil May Cry
Job: Demon Detective
Benefits: Meeting interesting people, Hellspawn
Yeah, Dante looks all cool up there with his white emo hair and his guns, but being a detective hunting down demons isn’t what I’d consider fun. Especially when your father (whose death you’re trying to avenge) was a demon. Where I come from, that’s called being a self-hating demon. And then while he’s trying to do his whole demon murdering thing, which is slightly more difficult than delivering newspapers, he’s always getting demons trying to kill him. Or confuse him, like Trish below.
She’s a demon, but she’s cool, so Dante fights her and then they become friends or some crap. And he’s probably like, “She’s a demon, I hate her” but then he looks at her and he’s like “Heheh boobs’ and kind of forgets where he is and accidentally discharges his gun and apologizes profusely saying how it never happens to him and he’ll make it up to her somehow, but she’s all turned off by that point and he just has to clean himself up. …it can put a damper on hunting demons, trust me.
1 Doc Louis
Job: Boxing Trainer
Benefits: Ringside seats; Not much actual time spent training
Think about it this way: You’ve dedicated your whole life to boxing. This is all you know. You saw a match on TV once, instantly fell in love, begged your parents to get you into a boxing gym. You grew up around the sport, know it inside out. You tried to make it on your own but didn’t have the physical tools. So you decide that your knowledge can be put to better use as a trainer. So you comb the ends of the Earth looking for a talent whom you can put over the top. And you end up with Little Mac.
Yeah. That guy who’s approximately the size of Mike Tyson’s genitals. Your protégé is basically just a midget with a complete lack of talent. The appropriate response would probably be: F*ck.
But then somehow, thanks to your guidance, he overcomes the odds and starts racking up wins, first against other scrubs, then against legitimate contenders. Despite a mismatch in every sense of the word, he overcomes the Champ. And then, you realize…”I could have been a contender.”
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