Psychologists say that children can be deeply affected by some of the media they take in growing up. So these staples of cartoons that we all watched probably weren’t the best things for us to learn.
Photo credit: JOE WU, Flickr
11 Swimming in a pool of gold coins
Sure, Scrooge McDuck always seemed to be having a ball when he’d dive into his money pit and splash around. He’d even take coins into his mouth and spit them back up. Take a look:
You know what’d happen if you dove headfirst into a pile of gold coins? It wouldn’t be a dip in glorious excess, no sir. You’d probably be paralyzed at best. Or dead at worst. No wonder the AIG braintrust ran the company so poorly… that’s probably what the executives did on all of their corporate retreats, leaving bits of brain matter leaking from their heads like a half-finished bowl of Jell-o.
10 Abandoning your children
Look at any episode of Dora the Explorer… you know what you see other than Dora? A ball, a drum, a baseball bat, even a freaking monkey. You know what you don’t see? PARENTAL SUPERVISION. And this is what happens:
As much as I’d like to believe that I could just leave my kids behind and let them figure life out on their own, they’d probably end up in much more of a Lord of the Flies situation than they would a Dora the Explorer or Rugrats one. In no situation is it okay for anyone to go, “Welp my little ethnic child, here’s a singing map and a bag full of crap… go explore!” How the f do they even know that she’ll eat? All I’m saying is that, if I had any say, I’d probably be feasting on some monkey brains within 10 minutes of being in the jungle.
9 Eating pizza with random crap on it would be delicious
The Ninja Turtles would always be eating pizza, which is bad enough for you health-wise. But then they’d throw stuff like peanut butter, taco meat, butter, baby seal, I dunno… human brains maybe… on there. You know what’s good on pizza? Like maybe 10 things on Earth. Pizza places aren’t terrified of change or something, there’s just stuff that goes well on pizza and stuff that doesn’t. Unfortunately, your car keys weren’t meant to go with sauce and mozzarella, Ninja Turtles. And yes, I’m looking at you McDonald’s pizza.
The borderline junkie mentality to pizza wasn’t the best thing either. Even in the cartoon that bit them in the ass, like when Shredder made a pizza place to capture them. Is it any wonder 90% of Ninja Turtles fans grew up to be heroin addicts according to a study I just fabricated four minutes ago?
8 Sleeping in a haunted house with a talking dog
I love animals with all my heart. It’s my biggest weakness. I also have a fondness for mystery (not really, but let’s pretend). But I have no interest in bringing my dog with me, no matter how intelligent and able-to-speak he is. And let’s be honest, your dog isn’t as smart as Scooby-Doo. Rather than unwittingly unmasking the villain of the moment, he’d probably end up crapping on the floor and licking his crotch while you and your friends get violently stabbed and raped. Granted, that wouldn’t have made as fun of a cartoon, but still.
7 Cross-dressing to seduce your enemies
As much as I’d like to believe that putting on a Chiquita Banana hat, some lipstick, and throwing my self-respect out the window would allow me to completely control my arch-nemesis, it’s probably not the best idea. Even if it works. Unless that’s what you’re into. In which case, I applaud both your strength in embracing that side of yourself so flamboyantly and also using it for the greater good. Two birds, one stone.
I hate to break it to Bugs, but he’s also not that hot of a chick. And he’s a different species than most of the people he tried to seduce. I admire his courage but the execution leaves something to be desired.
6 Picking an appropriate partner
There’s a lot to like about Popeye. He always tried to be good, he was kind of a rebel with his badass Navy tattoo, he ate vegetables (though sadly they provide much less superpowers than previously indicated). But his choice in a girl left something to be desired.
Now Popeye’s no looker, so it’s not a huge deal that Olive Oyl is completely anorexic and kind of ugly, in fact. But the real problem is that she’s always flirting with Bluto, pretending like he’s so big and bad, but then being nice to him. No wonder Bluto drags her around like a caveman, she’s just so caught up in playing a victim and getting attention. Meanwhile Popeye has to bust his ass and load up fully on performance enhancing drugs just to protect her from herself. He’d have been better off trying to date Wimpy. At least there’d be hamburgers involved.
5 Painting a hole in a wall and running through
Cartoon characters have serious problems with understanding concepts like mass and density, which is fine because they’re adorable and make silly noises. But there’s nothing more depressing than the notion of being a skilled enough painter, like Wile E. Coyote, that you can paint a tunnel on a wall that looks completely realistic, only to have your abilities thrown back in your face when the tunnel becomes real.
It’s sort of like the movie Weird Science. Yeah, it was great and all when she first came to life, but then you have to listen to her nagging you about taking out the trash or starting a 529 plan for when you have kids and it’s just like, “Dammit, I’m too talented for my own good.”
4 Putting together a band with an animal and traveling the globe
You don’t know how many times I’ve went up to a shark or a gigantic retarded purple ape expecting to find the next Jabberjaw or Grape Ape and instead finding myself violently assaulted and with significant chunks of my body bitten off and being chewed like Bazooka Joe bubblegum. So yeah, needless to say, sharks… slightly less capable of playing drums than the cartoon would lead you to believe.
On the plus side, after hearing Jabberjaw prattle on about completely idiotic things, you’ll prefer the relatively quiet hum of a shark eating your innards to watching 10 minutes of that show.
3 Letting a cat babysit your kids
I’m all for making animals earn their keep; I make my cat teach Jazzercise classes during her free time to make up for all the Fancy Feast I have to feed her. But maybe leaving Tom in charge of babysitting your child while he’s having complete out and out wars with some rodent roaming your house isn’t the best idea. The child would probably get caught in sniper fire or something… who knows with the hatred these two had.
Also, has the mother in the house ever heard of an exterminator? Jerry is freaking running the place, eating cheese all the time. He’s probably crapping all over the place too. All I’m saying is that the mother in this place might not be the best example of how to raise a family.
2 Running off of a cliff
Wile E. Coyote gets screwed. A lot. One way in particular is the way that the Road Runner can run stop on a dime at the edge of a cliff. Meanwhile, poor Wile E. is left dangling out there with enough time to manufacture a sign from scratch, hold it up, make a quiche, and probably think about all the things that have gone wrong in his life in spite of his complete genius.
And then he gets to dust himself off and get back in the game. Only to lose again. And again. And again. In fact, I bet that time floating in midair hanging off the cliff is one of the few peaceful moments in his life. Like standing in the eye of the hurricane. Or realizing that you forgot a condom when sleeping with that stripper.
1 Approaching and understanding shotguns
Bugs Bunny is adorable and all that, but his policies towards shotguns were silly at best. Pro tip: When someone points a shotgun at you, you shouldn’t just make a slick face. You should probably run the f away or cry or offer sexual favors in exchange for your life. Do not attempt to A) Bend the shotgun, B) Shove a carrot into the hole of the shotgun, or C) Take the shotgun blast to the head and expect that you’ll just end up with a blackened face and a sense of embarrassment.
Also, changing a sign to say that it is not Rabbit Season when, in fact, it is will not change the laws and guidelines defined by local and federal governments. You Commie, you.
I want more like this!
Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.