In the grand scheme of things, dudes have it absurdly easy. Comparatively speaking anyway. I mean, after all, all one needs to do is take a look at some of the awful things that our beloved lady dudes – also known as women – have to go through in their pursuit of that illusive little thing called happiness. Once you do I think you’ll gain a new appreciation for what it means to be a woman in our grand society – or at least thank God or Buddha or Patrick Swayze or whoever that you don’t have to deal with these seven terrible things that woman have to go through that men don’t.
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Sure, you might slap some gel in your hair and at least get the stubble on your face down to a single day’s growth, but in order to please that son of a bitch known as society women have to do soooooo much more. So goddamn much. From their hair to their nails to their makeup, women have to spend a miniature fortune on simply maintaining their look, but expense aside, that shit takes time, time that you spend vegged out in front of your Xbox. Meanwhile, every day these poor ladies have to make sure their body is pretty much hair-free. Imagine having to wake up every day and shave basically from head to toe. Women do it. Under their arms, their legs, hell, some poor ladies even have to shave their actual arms or else assholes like me start making Chewbacca jokes. It’s ridiculous. So think about that the next time you’re whining because you have to spend two minutes shaving those little wispy hairs you call a mustache.
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You may or may not know that, on average, women earn about 75% of what men make for doing the same job. That’s inexplicable in a supposedly equal society. But what makes it even worse is that women have to work twice as hard just to earn a fraction of what dudes make. Argue all you want, but you can’t deny that a woman has to walk a damn tightrope in order to be taken seriously in a professional setting. If she messes up just once, all the dudes in her office start making dumb blonde jokes or treating her like an idiot. And if she’s too good at her job, they start calling her frigid and making jokes about her lack of a sex life. She can’t win. Look, I know you love your penises – so do I, well mine anyway not yours, but you know what I mean – but can you really say that little guy is worth 25% more pay all by himself? Maybe your penis is integral to your job – who’s to say? – but the last time I checked they weren’t really a necessary component in most jobs. Penises don’t get coffee, they can’t file a report and they can’t argue a case in court, although it is entertaining to watch them try, so really dudes, there is absolutely no excuse for the discrepancy. Just remember that the next time you feel like making a snide comment about the lady who works in the next cubicle.
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If a dude wants to get off he pretty much just needs to rub up against something for a few moments or yank at himself like a wild chimpanzee. It’s a little more complicated than that for a woman. First of all, they have to be in the right mood. Hell, half of you probably have half a boner right now and aren’t even aware of it. Most women, on the other hand, need to actively be engaged in the moment. And once that’s all out of the way, by the time they’re actually ready to get down they need a flaming hoop, a lion tamer and a handful of circus clowns in order to actually get off. The psychological/physiological mixture is a delicate one, one that many men just don’t understand – or don’t take the time to understand or get right. I mean, there are a lot of women out there who have never had an orgasm – some studies claim that up to 15% of all women never experience an orgasm and that up to 80% are incapable of achieving an orgasm through sexual intercourse alone. Just think about what your life would be like if you had never, ever gotten off. The horror...
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Women can’t even take a simple walk down the street without being leered at or harassed. I’ll share a simple anecdote with you to illustrate my point – my own mother, with her white hair, told me that she decided to ride her bike to work and during the journey was subjected to dudes yelling shit out their car windows at her, honking and revving their engines as they went by and all manner of general harassment. Again, my mother has white hair. She is in her 50s and is a member of the AARP, which for those of you who don’t know is basically the old person’s union. And even she can’t take a simple bike ride without feeling like she’s going to get dragged into the bushes at any moment by some degenerate pervert. That sucks, dudes. That really sucks. What makes it even worse is that assholes constantly rationalize and excuse this behavior by saying that women court this kind of bullshit, or that they’re asking for it by dressing attractively. Try to imagine how it would feel to not be able to walk down the street, or write an article, or appear on camera, or hell, even go to the grocery store, without dudes twice your size making shitty comments about how your ass looks. At best it would be uncomfortable, at worst it would make you feel like you might be in danger. And then remember something: this is what virtually every woman has to go through every single day.
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Imagine if once a month you began to bleed out of your penis. Now imagine that every month you had to go to the store and buy something to shove up there in order to keep from bleeding everywhere. Now imagine that every month you also became irritable for no reason, you became bloated and that you basically didn’t want to have anyone near your or around you for three days or so at a time. I mean, Christ, it’s like women have to deal with the same problems as a werewolf. Once a month, when the moon is full, all hell breaks loose. And it’s not like they ever get a break. From the onset of puberty until menopause women have to live with this. It’s a constant cycle of bleeding, bloating, sore boobs, headaches, floods, plagues of locusts and anything else a certain deity might use to harass an Egyptian pharaoh. And women live with this and what makes them really heroic is that they hardly ever complain about it. Sure, they might bitch once in a while – who wouldn’t – but for the most part they just accept it and deal with it. Think about that the next time you’re whining to your girlfriend because she doesn’t want to rub your belly like a retarded puppy. She’s got enough bullshit to deal with.
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Yeah, you could probably include this in the part about having a grueling beauty regimen, but honestly, bikini waxing deserves its own discussion. I mean, really, think about it. Imagine having someone pour wax all over your junk and then rip that shit off like some kind of medieval torturer. I understand if your balls just crawled back into your stomach. I’m pretty sure that if bikini waxing would have been around way back in the day it would be illegal as a war crime under the Geneva Conventions. This is probably how they got people to confess to being witches and all that in medieval times. Forget the rack, people were tapping out the second they started pouring the wax. That is some heinous shit, and yet women go through it all in the name of maintaining some sort of mythical aesthetic standard. Trust me, dudes, there is nothing – nothing – you do that can compare to this.
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Yes, childbirth is a wonderful thing, a miracle, blah blah blah, but that’s easy to say when you’re not the one who has their body transformed in ways that would make even the liquid metal Terminator cringe. I mean, just imagine for a moment what it would feel like to have to poop out a bowling ball or a Jack Russell Terrier. Not a whole lot of fun , right? Now imagine having to carry that thing around for nine months inside of you, kicking at you, scratching and clawing like something out of Alien, causing everything from your feet to your earlobes to swell up. Oh, and don’t forget about the morning sickness, the mood swings and all that fun stuff. And then once it’s all done with you have to deal with the expectation that your body just snap right back into shape or else assholes will start whispering about you and talking about your “weight problem.” Frankly, I’m surprised women don’t just butcher us all in our sleep. So dudes, the next time you feel like complaining about ladies, just think back to this article and be both thankful that you don’t have to go through all this, and impressed that they do, and then maybe cut your lady a break.
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