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7 ways beer and wine will change Starbucks

By / 01.25.12

Beer and Wine Starbucks

Brad & Ying, <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/madaboutshanghai/111206822/sizes/z/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr</a>



Starbucks, the coffee shop inside of which approximately 47 percent of you are reading this, announced that it will begin offering beer and wine at select locations in Georgia, Illinois and California by the end of the year. If this experiment goes well, alcohol could be included on Starbucks menus nationwide. And if that happens, Starbucks as we know it will change. Drastically.

Photo credit: Brad & Ying, Flickr

7 Two Words: Artisan Nachos
Starbucks says it will also offer “premium foods” such as small plates and hot flatbread sandwiches. But let’s be honest. If you want to move product, and beer is the product here, you’ve got to serve fiery foods that can only be extinguished by many beers. Enter the $14 Artisan Nacho plate. Artisan Nachos, in case you’re wondering, are just regular nachos, except they cost more because they have the word Artisan in them.

6 Actual Writers Will Now Write at Starbucks
Ernest Hemingway would never have written inside of a Starbucks. Neither would Hunter S. Thompson, except maybe to make fun of it. These were real writers who wrote and drank their way across America. The writers who write in Starbucks today are nothing like those men. They’re working on indie movie screenplays about family dysfunction or updating their blogs with photos of interesting graffiti they snapped with their iPhones. Now maybe we can finally get some real writers in Starbucks, guys who know where the guns and whores are.

5 Sex in Bathroom Will Now Involve Two People
You’ll never hear anyone at Starbucks HQ admit this, but 37 percent of all Starbucks bathroom users are homeless men who are, shall we say, caulking the cracks in the bathroom tiles.

4 Finally You Can Drink Wine in the Grocery Store
They sell Starbucks in grocery stores. Starbucks will sell beer and wine. So it stands to reason that eventually adults will be able to drink beer and wine at the grocery store. This is great for grocery store customers and grocery stores alike. A glass of wine will take the edge off of waiting 10 minutes at the deli for a pound of ham. Also, expect sales of crackers, cheese and other crap no one ever eats except with wine to skyrocket.

3 Caffeinated Hippies + Booze = Fistfights
You know what a bunch of 99 Percenters all jacked up on caffeine need? Beer, lots of beer. These boys are itching for a fight, and if Mitt Romney’s not going to show his face in this Starbucks, then you, Mr. I Wear A Tie To Work Because I Am A Corporate Fascist Pig, are about to get 99 percent of your ass kicked. Look out. These fellas came here to talk some Paul Krugman and kick some ass, and they’re all out of talking some Paul Krugman.

2 The World’s First $18 Bud Light
Starbucks will shamelessly charge you any amount of money for any item in the store and it knows you will pay it because you LOVE Starbucks. You love walking into work with that $7 drink made from 43 cents worth of ingredients, because it’s not only delicious and loaded with sugar, it’s a status symbol. It says, “I’m on the go. I like nice things. I make time for myself. I’m special.” $18 Bud Light Grande, here we come.

1 Massive Influx of Pickup Artists
Wherever you find women and alcohol, you will find guys who are pickup artists or who have read a book about being a pickup artist or who had a friend once tell them sort of about pickup. Anyway, these guys will now be hitting Starbucks hard, with all-new openers. For example: “Is Grande the small or the medium? I always forget.” (The hook opener, nice!) “I heard you tell the barista your name. That’s not your real name, is it?” (Classic neg!) “I can only stay a minute, because I have to get back to writing my screenplay, but…” (Oh, yeah, the demonstration of value and false time constraint combo! Boom.)


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Joe Donatelli
About Joe Donatelli... Joe Donatelli is a writer in Los Angeles who is comfortable referring to himself in the third person. He was born and raised in Cleveland and is a graduate of two of the most prestigious schools of learning in the country, Ohio University’s E.W. Scripps School of Journalism and the Upright Citizens Brigade training center in Los Angeles. He has written humor columns for Scripps-Howard, Salon, Cracked and Break and runs The Humor Columnist.

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