Drinking is fun. Drinking in a bar, surrounded by lots of other drunks and soon to be drunk people can be even more fun. But only if you know which people to hang out with and which people to avoid at all costs. Thankfully, we here at Guyism have decided to step in and give you a handy little guide. The following are 11 types of people you will meet at the bar. Now what you choose to do with this information is up to you, but let’s face it, you’ll be drunk and when you’re drunk, everybody’s a good time. But maybe, just maybe, this list will stick in the back of your addled little brain and provide you just enough of a warning to escape before you find yourself in a bathroom stall with a shitfaced Ben Roethlisberger leering over top of you. You’re welcome, America. You’re welcome.
Photo credit: Robert Couse-Baker, Flickr
11 The Regular
This poor son of a bitch has his own seat at the bar and the bartenders all know and loathe him, mostly because he doesn’t tip and because they know at the end of the night they’ll be the ones trying to get him to get the hell out so they can finally go home. Yeah, yeah, everyone loved ol’ Norm and Cliff over at Cheers, but in real life, Norm and Cliff just sit and drink themselves to death while a black cloud of utter depression floats over their heads and makes everyone sad. In real life, Norm ends up puking on Sam’s shoulder while Sam tries to walk him out of the bar at two in the morning. This dude sucks and you do not want to get sucked into his horrible hell. Avoid at all costs.
10 The Glory Days Gang
These particular barflies can be identified by phrases like “Remember when…” and “How ‘bout that time…” They love nothing more than telling story after story about other times they and their friends got drunk. Usually they are guys in their late 20’s or 30’s, just past the days when they and their friends would get bombed every night and do something stupid. Now, all they have left are the memories of those savage days. It’s either that or talk about what happened in the cubicle that day. These guys can be fun for a while, and they usually have some good stories, but by the end of the night, they’re just depressing. The action has passed them by and now they’re on the outside looking in, even though they desperately still want to be in the middle of the action, living one of those wild stories instead of telling one.
9 The Bro
This douchebag is everyone’s friend -– or at least he thinks he is. Outgoing, just a little drunker than everyone else, this guy can be a good time. But give it enough time and this asshole will demand that you buy him a beer. No matter what you say, he won’t stop. He’ll just move from one of his new “friends” to the next, repeating “Come on, bro, just be cool and buy me a beer.” Whatever you do, do not buy this dipshit a beer. I can’t emphasize that enough. It’s like feeding the animals at the zoo. Once you start, they won’t leave you alone. You will have been marked as a sucker and you will spend the rest of the night paying for his good time. Let him be somebody else’s bro.
8 The Desperate Cougar
This one is a real piece of work. Every bar has that one desperate middle-aged lady who’s just a little too friendly. She stalks the bar like the jungle cat that she is, looking for any younger guy who looks like he can’t quite defend himself. She’ll close in on you from behind, grab your hand and demand that you dance with her. Or she’ll hang all over you and interject herself into your conversations until you break down and buy her a drink. This wouldn’t be a problem –- I mean who doesn’t like to get laid? -– but the only problem is that usually the bar cougar is a broken down old beast, with leathery, ruined skin, dead and soulless eyes, a cigarette ravaged voice and a smell that would horrify Bigfoot. While she’s on the prowl, avoid eye contact at all costs or risk being dragged back to her terrible lair. I mean, sure, at 2AM, with a few drinks in you, it might not seem so bad, but try to think about the next day, when your buddies are razzing you for hooking up with a chick who looks like Mickey Rourke. Nobody wants that.
7 Ben Roethlisberger
Ladies, watch out for this degenerate. He can be identified as the dude who always stands just a little too close when he’s talking to you and as the dude who’s just a little too eager to buy you another drink. He’ll follow you from one end of the bar to the next, always leaning in uncomfortably and trying to position you so that you’re always a little trapped. He’s a pure predator, his only goal to separate you from the herd in the hopes that his relentless chase will wear you down and leave you with no choice but to go home with him -– or at least spend five pitiful minutes alone in the bathroom together. This dude ruins it for everyone else. If you find yourself in his sites, make sure your friends are always around and always –- always -– keep an eye on your drink.
6 The Dancing Queen
All this girl wants to do is dance. She’s not there to drink, to socialize, to get hit on, or anything else. She just wants to dance and she wants everyone to watch her while she dances. She wants everyone to want her, but woe unto you if you dare to approach her during her fevered frenzy. Sometimes the dancing queen travels in a pack, and with her fellow divas, she’ll take over the bar’s dance floor all night long. It looks like a good time, but it’s really an illusion because they aren’t letting anybody into their little world. It doesn’t matter if you’re rich, poor, young, old, ugly or ridiculously good looking. They don’t give a damn. They just want to dance, dance, dance. Maybe they’ll let you join in for a while, but know this: you are nothing more than a prop and you will leave disappointed and alone.
5 The Designated Driver
This poor sap drew the short straw and he’s forced to sip water while his friends get blasted around him. For the first couple of hours of the night, he seems like he’s having just as good a time as everyone else. But after a few hours, when everyone is nice and buzzed, he starts to fade into the background. He’s boring to everyone else because he’s sober and everyone else seems like an asshole to him because they’re all drunk. And so all that’s left for him to do is hang on like some sort of tourist in the midst of a safari that’s gone horribly, horribly wrong. One minute, he’s laughing and taking pictures with his friends and the next he’s being chased by a drunk lion or arguing with a belligerent zebra with a fifth of Jack in him who thinks the poor guy was hitting on his girlfriend. After a while, all he wants to do is go home, curl up and go to sleep. So pity this poor fool. A bonus tip: if you’re drunk and don’t have a way of getting your besotted ass home and you have no other, uh, let’s call them prospects, maybe strike up a conversation with this guy. You might wind up with a free ride home. Yeah, it’s shameful, but to hell with all that, you’re drunk and your dignity left town just about the time you almost barfed on the bartender after that shot didn’t quite go down the right way.
4 Sloppy Joe
This jackass is the life of the party, right up until the moment he takes that one extra shot. Then he spends the rest of the night staggering around the bar, leaning on his friends, and puking in the bathroom, hoping that the bouncers don’t see him and toss his drunk ass out. Loud, stupid, and utterly without shame, this dude’s friends have to watch him like a hawk or else the next thing they know, he’ll be found stealing other people’s drinks or incoherently babbling to a crowd of half amused/half terrified girls on the other side of the bar. And just when you think you’ve settled him down, he’ll pop up like some sort of drunk Frankenstein’s monster, and he’ll crash into tables and spill drinks and piss everyone off until finally both him and his friends are tossed by the bouncer. Keep some distance and this idiot can be hilarious to watch for a while, but don’t get too close, or you’ll end up with a puke stained shirt, a spilled drink and a drunk beast to take care of after you’re swept out of the bar by the bouncers in his wake.
3 The Least Interesting Man in the World
You’ve all seen those “The Most Interesting Man in the World” commercials, where the dude says “I don’t always drink beer, but…” Well, that guy exists in real life too, only in real life, he’s a pretentious asshole and he will bore you to tears with his reasons for only drinking a certain beer. Sometimes, he won’t even drink beer at all. He’ll only drink a certain hard liquor. And he’ll explain the right way to drink it in agonizingly obnoxious detail. He’ll fetishize his drink of choice to the point where you’ll wonder if he’s just waiting for you to leave so he can take that drink home and make sweet love to it. This dude may appear at first glance to be debonair and sophisticated. But really, he’s just an uptight jackoff with his head so far up his own ass that he could probably drink his beloved nectar of the gods one more time as it entered his stomach. Don’t get caught up in his ridiculous bullshit.
2 The Man of a Thousand Lines
This piece of work will hit on everyone from the mousy friend who’s just there to support her hot sorority sister to the bartenders and staff. He has no shame and will flit from one group to the next, firing off bad line after bad line, and after being rejected he’ll just move on while the girls laugh at him behind his back. The worst of these are the dudes who hit on the bartenders and waitresses, like somehow their dumb lines are going to work where a million others have tragically –- and occasionally hilariously -– failed. If you find yourself hanging out with one of these idiots, you can do one of two things. Either get the hell away from him and hope he can find his own way home or -– and this one takes some skill -– use it to your advantage and be the calm, cool one. No matter who you are, if you’re just relaxed and aren’t giving off that desperate vibe that he’s got going on, you’ll look pretty damn good in comparison. But it’s a tough act to pull off because if you’re not careful, you’ll just look like you’re too lame to be friends with anyone but a douchebag like that and people will just assume that you’re like him.
1 The Bachelorette Party
It doesn’t matter whether someone’s getting married or not, this group of girls just wants to let loose and have a good time. Sadly for them, as soon as they walk into the bar they become instant targets for the Ben Roethlisbergers and for The Man of a Thousand Lines. This is why they stick together in a giant pack. They can be a lot of fun, provided that you just chill out and go with their flow, but they can also become a handful, especially when they start getting a little too drunk and one or two of them disappear to the bathroom to cry about their asshole of a boyfriend. They are a ball of wild energy and chances are they won’t even remember your name but that doesn’t really matter when they’re making out with you at the end of the night because you’re that one guy and they just think that you’re sooooo cute. Just go with the flow. That’s the only thing that you can do because these girls are like piranhas or army ants. They will strip everything that lies in their path down to the bones and then they’ll move on. You just have to hope that when they’re done, you’ll still be able to find your clothes.
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