Boobs. Since Adam first woke up, saw Eve standing there in all her glory and raised a fig leaf, man has been inspired by them. Mostly to find new and exciting ways to see them. But occasionally, the love of boobs inspires more than boners and actually inspires the mind to create great things. Sometimes these inspirations are manifested in the form of art, sometimes they lead to inventions, and sometimes, they even change the entire world. And with that in mind, and the boobs that inspired them, we honor these eight people whose greatest accomplishments were inspired by…boobs.
8. Max Brooks
As explained here, Max Brooks created The Zombie Survival Guide as an answer to his childhood fear of zombies. What does that have to do with boobs? Well, it would seem that Max first stumbled upon zombies while watching late night cable as a young boob aficionado, and in between sneaking glimpses of Italian boobies, those zombies scared the shit out of him. The boy just wanted to see a fleeting glimpse of a single teat and was instead scarred for life. Thankfully for him, in a roundabout way, his youthful degeneracy was the root cause of all his fame and fortune, which is truly the American dream in all its beautiful glory.
7. Terry Heckler
Terry Heckler is the dude who created the Starbucks logo. That’s a pretty big deal. But what you might not know is that the famous logo was originally much more risqué. Instead of a siren with cascading hair covering her chest, Heckler’s original logo was a bare-breasted siren, meant to be a metaphor for the allure of caffeine. So, basically, Heckler thought that caffeine was so great that the only thing he could compare it to was boobs. It makes sense. Both will get you out of bed in the morning, and as soon as you take them away you end up in withdrawal, an ornery and cranky mess until someone brings you more. It’s that kind of forward thinking that allowed Starbucks to conquer the world.
6. Bruce Munro
Breast cancer is a horrible thing, having taken countless lives and boobs over the years, but one hero decided to fight back by raising awareness the only way he knew how: by transforming a hill into a giant, boob lit by massive amounts of lights so that it would be seen for miles around. The hero was Bruce Munro, an English light-artist, who decided to fight back against cancer and honor boobs with his massive project, which involved building a 16 foot by 10 foot “dome” on top of a hill in Wiltshire into a giant nipple. This nipple dome was created using over 2,700 plastic bottles and was lit up with glowing pink and blue fibre-optic cables. Sure, maybe it didn’t make Munro rich, but some things just transcend material wealth, and creating a massive, glowing titty in the middle of nowhere surely would be the highpoint of anyone’s life.
5. Jean-Denis Rouillon
French researcher Jean-Denis Rouillon loved boobs so much that he took on the arduous and thankless task of “examining” 330 female volunteers aged 18-35 over a period of 15 years – this was pretty much literally this dude’s life’s work – in order to prove that bras were bullshit and that boobies should hang free and glorious. His findings offer the hope of freedom for the much oppressed boobs, and one day I am sure that they will build statues of him and his name will be spoken of in hushed reverence next to names like Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. After all, Jean-Denis Rouillon had a dream, and if the only way to accomplish that dream was to spend his entire life examining boobs, then so be it. Some men are just willing to make the necessary sacrifices to make the world a better place.
4. Marcey Hawk
Marcey Hawk loves her own boobs so much that she has used them to become a self-proclaimed “boob artist.” Really, it’s not complicated and it’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like. She creates art using her giant boobs to slap paint around on a canvas. Look, laugh if you want, but she is doing great work. Anyone who loves boobs enough to create an entirely new genre in the art world deserves our respect. The fact that she donates all the proceeds of her sales to breast cancer research just makes her love of boobs all the more pure. I mean, there’s simply being inspired by boobs and then there’s painting using a technique known as “titty twerk” just so you can save all the boobs in the world. Now that’s love of the game right there.
3. Russ Meyer
Russ Meyer is perhaps the most famous “B” movie producer/director of all time, whose infamous love of boobs led him to practically create an entire industry devoted to them. I’ll just let this astounding Wikipedia quote sum things up: “Russ Meyer’s lifelong unabashed fixation on large breasts featured prominently in all his films and is his best known character trait both as an artist and as a person.” That about says it all, doesn’t it? As an artist and a person! Boobies didn’t just inspire Russ Meyer, they became his identity. Goddamn.
2. Rene Theophile Hyacinthe Laennec
Let’s just call him “Rene” and be done with it, okay? Anyway, Rene is the dude who invented the stethoscope, which is a pretty big deal. But the reason why he created it is absolutely sublime. Back then, the best way to check if a heart was beating properly was to either tap the chest and feel the beat, or to listen with your ear pressed against it. This was all well and good until the day that Rene found himself with an, uh, amply blessed woman as a patient. He couldn’t very well feel the heart with all them boobies in the way, and he didn’t really feel comfortable basically motorboating her just so he could get an earful. His solution? The stethoscope, which allowed him to listen in from a comfortable distance and became one of the most enduring symbols of medicine in the 20th century. Thanks, boobs, you’ve done it again!
1. Christopher Columbus
We’ve all been taught that the big debate back in the day was between those who thought Earth was round, and those who thought it was flat, and that Christopher Columbus’ journey proved that it was round. Yeah, that’s all bullshit.
The real story is that no one thought the world was flat, but that there was a lot of disagreement over the actual shape of the round Earth. Some thought that it was more or less a fairly regular sphere, but there were other ideas, and Columbus’ was one of the best. He was obsessed with the idea that the world was shaped like a pear, with an irregular shape that jutted out on one side like a woman’s breast. Basically, he thought that the other side of the world was shaped like a lady’s titty. And even better, he thought that “paradise” – the real reason for his journey that eventually ended with the discovery of the Americas – rested at the tip of this boobed Earth like a nipple.
So, to sum up, everyone in America is here because Christopher Columbus was obsessed with proving that paradise could only be found in the nipple of a giant boob. Sounds about right to me.
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