Cinco de Mayo is upon us once again, which means… well, nobody really seems to actually know what it means other than it’s yet another excuse to get really, really drunk. Of course, that is always a perfectly acceptable reason for celebrating, but Cinco de Mayo is also a holiday which celebrates the Mexican people and their indomitable spirit. So it’s important to not only get drunk, but to learn to celebrate in a way that honors our neighbors to the South. But rather than doing the cheap, clichéd vaguely racist thing and slapping on a sombrero and lapping up salsa while listening to Mariachi music at some third rate Mexican restaurant, why not follow one of these suggestions? They are eight offbeat ways to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.
Photo credit: Cinco De Mayo Chihuahua image by Shutterstock
Cinco de Mayo is actually celebrated in commemoration of a victory by outnumbered Mexican forces against a French army in 1862. Therefore, what could be more appropriate than slugging a random Frenchman in the jaw? Come on, you know you want to anyway. If you’re not into the fisticuffs, then bully and harass the French on Facebook or Twitter. Spend the afternoon making jokes about the French with your friends. If you actually are French, I apologize, but history has its consequences.
Photo credit: wisegie, Flickr
If you’re in Los Angeles, then you know that Cinco de Mayo is a day of street fairs and block parties, but if you’re not lucky enough to live in the city of drunken angels, then don’t be afraid to take matters into your own hands and organize a block party of your own with your friends and neighbors. You might ask what a block party specifically has to do with Cinco de Mayo, but really is there ever a bad reason to hold a block party? If you need more, consider this: after their defeat of the French, the village of Puebla, Mexico broke into spontaneous partying, which is said to have been the first block party in history. They even hired a DJ from one of the top clubs in Ibiza. (Note: none of that may have actually happened, we’re looking into it.)
Photo credit: US Department of Education, Flickr
What better way than to honor the Mexican people than by watching epics about great moments in that nation’s history, films like Machete, Desperado, and From Dusk ‘Til Dawn? Nobody in Mexico will ever forget the time that outlaw brothers were forced to fight off a bar filled with vampires. Sure, Robert Rodriguez might actually just be a dude from Texas and critics might tell you that his films are basically the Mexican version of blacksploitation, but to hell with all that, you’re totally honoring the Mexican people by getting drunk on tequila and cheering while Danny Trejo seduces the Senator’s wife and daughter and then blows a bunch of shit up. Plus, you’ll get to see Salma Hayek’s boobs. Vive Mexico!
Photo credit: Salma Hayek image by Featureflash/Shutterstock
Whoops, wrong stereotype. Sorry!
Photo credit: Leprechauns image by Stuart Monk/Shutterstock
In between getting hammered and drunkenly swatting at a piñata filled with condoms and jolly ranchers injected with tequila, take a few moments to wander outside and talk with the day laborer who cuts your grass. Ask him what Cinco de Mayo means to him. After he tells you with confusion that it’s basically a made-up holiday celebrated primarily in the U.S. by drunks like you be sure to explain to him that his culture is important and that he should take more of an interest in the ways of his homeland. Then, after he sticks his pruning shears in an unpleasant place, you can talk to him more about it while he gives you a ride to the hospital. After all, it’s important to be multicultural and sensitive to others.
Photo credit: Mexican worker image by Shutterstock
This way, they’ll know that you care about them as people and not just as a set of boobs and a butt. If your local strip club doesn’t have any Latina strippers, have a chat with management about the importance of diversity. Tell them they’re not getting another dollar from you until they bring in someone like Vida Guerra. If they then respond that she isn’t even Mexican but Cuban, tell them to stop being racists and to pay attention to the things that unite us, such as an appreciation for butts, rather than the things that divide us. It’s what St. de Mayo would have wanted.
Photo credit: Stripper image by Shutterstock
If for some reason you find yourself stuck at work on Cinco de Mayo (it’s on a Sunday this year so you should be safe but hey, there’s always next year!) celebrate subtly by sneaking off to the bathroom at the top of every hour and doing a shot of tequila. By the end of the day you should be pleasantly buzzed. If this is too slow for you, then make it every half hour. That equals 16 shots in an eight-hour workday, which neatly works out to almost an entire fifth of tequila so if you don’t have a shot glass at work then just chug straight from the bottle every half hour. If you do that then you’ll probably be completely shitfaced and you’ll probably puke all over your boss but we all must make sacrifices. It’s what Cinco de Mayo is all about.
Photo credit: Tequila shots image by Shutterstock
If all else fails, ply your boss with copious amounts of tequila. Be sure to take pictures of him at the donkey show after you convince him to head to Tijuana for the weekend. That’s how I got this gig and that’s why it’s always important to celebrate Cinco de Mayo the right way.
Photo credit: Man drinking image by Shutterstock
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