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6 ways new couples walk — and what it says about the relationship

By / 04.01.14

Congratulations, you’ve finally found “the one” or you defiled her so badly last night that you feel obligated to at least take her out for breakfast.

Either way, you’re in a relationship. That first walk from your door to the diner can be an informative one.  Whatever walking position you choose can literally foreshadow your entire future together.  It’s like palm reading, only with less scientific proof.

Here’s what your walk together says about your relationship — or lack of.

Paparazzi

Commonly used by Brad & Angelina, Jay Z & Beyoncé and who ever George is Clooning this week, this walk says you’re better than everyone else.

Put on your dark sunglasses, vintage tee, precut jeans and unseasonable knitted hat; you’re in full douchebag mode.  You two clearly have high self-esteem and your facial indifference will ensure you never get asked to take a street survey.  However, your snobbish attitudes will alienate both sets of your friends and you’ll be forced to adopt, just for the companionship.

Waiters will also spit in your food.

White Knuckle Ride

You’ve obviously picked up a clinger. You lowered your standards for just one night and now she’s hanging on for dear life. The last time she felt this way was when she almost dated her second cousin Leroy. On the plus side, you won’t get separated in a windstorm. But, you will literally need to shake your hand free to use it. So unless you enjoy the feeling of having your own personal security guard, get out immediately.

Once breaking up, you’ll have to change all of your contact information. Poor Cousin Leroy.

befriendedcorpse

This is the reverse of the White Knuckle Ride.  Sorry son, she’s way out of your league.  She just went on a “break” with a guy she’s getting back together with immediately.  He’s probably 40, loaded and already on one knee, so she wanted to take one last lap around the bases before hitting the drunken housewife dugout forever.  She had a lapse of nocturnal judgment and just wants a free breakfast, which is worth hearing your bullshit for an hour.

You’ve only got one breakfast; so make the most of it.  Invite your friends as they marvel at the girl who’s way hotter than you.  Just make sure you have an elaborate excuse when they never see her again.  That number she gave you? It’s for an abandoned Blockbuster Video.

Royal Clutch

Congratulations, you’ve found a rich girl.  She’s been in finishing school her entire life and this is the only way she knows how to walk; with delusional self-importance.  Her father owns a chain of casinos and her last relationship coincidentally took place during a major business transaction.  Prepare to hear her extoll the virtues of cold-pressed organic juices before she hits you with such probing questions, like “have you ever heard of Jimi Hendrix?”  Don’t bring your wallet; daddy’s paying for breakfast.

On the way back, she may buy you an iPad simply out of boredom.  Continue the relationship and she’ll insist you stop talking to all your friends and get a Siamese cat named Perry Ellis.  If it turns out she’s actually poor, she was just trying to re-enact the intro to Laverne & Shirley.

Buddy Buddy

This is going to be hard to hear; you were horrible in bed.  You had an off night, it happens to everybody.  Babe Ruth’s batting average was only .342 and he was using way thicker wood.  But you had a particularly bad strike out.  You tried so hard and failed so miserably that she’s not even mad at you.  She pities you so much that she’s begun to see your true value as a human being.

She wants to be friends. She also feels bad enough to split breakfast.  You now have a new confidant who has seen you at your absolute worst.  But no matter how friendly you get, you can’t date anyone remotely inside her social circle.  The secret is already out.  At least be proud of your gumption.  How do you think Will & Grace got started?

Cheek to Cheek

We know what you did last night and you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Perverts. And we know what’s going to happen after breakfast. Disgusting.


TAGScouplesListsone night standRelationships
RJ Skinner
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