Father’s Day is upon us once again and that probably means that you are scrambling to come up with something to give your dad. Something that shows him that you appreciate that he raised you and loved you and didn’t beat you to death all those times you stumbled home drunk and vomited all over your mom’s rose bushes. And while dear old Dad might tell you that he’s happy with whatever you get him, the truth is that he deserves better than one of these nine lame Father’s Day gifts.
9. Generic Tools
Hey, dad likes to fix stuff, right? Maybe, but that doesn’t mean he needs a 17th wrench set. Unless he tells you needs a specific tool, don’t do this. All it tells him is that you basically see him as a free handyman. This goes for lawn care tools and equipment too. You don’t really want to give him a gift that just reminds of how much he has to bust his ass every other day of the year, do you?
8. Cheap Cologne
First of all, cologne is always kind of a lousy gift. You’re basically telling the person that they stink. Second, a nine dollar bottle of Old Spice isn’t exactly going to tell your dad how much you love him. Or maybe it will, I don’t know. I mean, it’s possible that you just hate him. Third, your mom probably doesn’t want to deal with your dad smelling like an Iranian pimp for a month. Fourth, who do you think your dad is? Do you think he’s out clubbing and trolling for low-class ass? This is just a bad idea on a number of levels. Come on, you’re better than this.
7. Coffee Mug
Sure, your dad drinks coffee so hey, why not? Well, if he does drink coffee than I’m guessing he already has a mug or fifty, especially because you’ve probably bought him so many mugs over the years that he had to build a special cupboard to hold them all. He’s got mugs that say World’s Number One Dad on them, he’s got funny novelty mugs with stupid puns on them, he’s got oversized coffee shop mugs with Hallmark sayings on them that he never uses because his friends will make fun of him, hell, he even has misshapen mugs that you forged out of clay during your 8th grade shop class. The man has nightmares about getting more mugs. Juan Valdez haunts him in his sleep. Give the poor man a break.
6. Clubs of the Month
This might seem kind of unique, but it’s really kind of thoughtless. You tell dad that every month someone will send him a new [steak, wine, whatever], all on you. It’s quick, it’s easy and hey, you didn’t even have to wrap anything. Nothing says I love you more than telling someone, “Yeah, you’ll get something in the mail every once in a while that I’ve never seen and have nothing really to do with.” Now that’s a gift from the heart. Plus, I’m guessing that dad won’t be too thrilled when he gets The Notebook on DVD seven months later or has to explain to his friends why he suddenly has a collection of Kate Hudson movies. Don’t let Columbia House pick out your dad’s Father’s Day gift for you.
5. Underwear, Socks, Etc.
Sure, everyone needs these things. They’re essential. But your dad doesn’t want essentials. I mean, would you like getting underwear? As long as you’re getting him things he needs, you might as well tell your dad that you’re footing the bill for his next prostate exam too. Gee, thanks. You’re telling him two things when you do this – one, that you think so little of him that you assume he can’t take care of his own basic needs, and two, that you simply don’t really give a shit what he wants. Give the man who raised you something that makes him smile, not something that’s going to ride up his ass.
4. Cheap Wine
A good bottle of wine is something to savor. A cheap bottle of wine will just make your dad feel like a bum. Do you really want your message to your dad to be that the depth of your love for him is worth a $7.99 bottle of Merlot from the grocery store? You might as well just go all the way with it, get him a bottle of Thunderbird wrapped in a paper bag soaked in urine and tell him to start panhandling. But hey, at least you know dad will be thinking of you every time he forces himself to swallow yet another drop of that cheap swill, shuddering while your mother squeezes his hand and tells him that it will be alright and that it will all be over soon. Good times!
3. Joke Gifts
Yeah, you both laughed that time you saw Billy Bass at the store when you were a kid, but… come on. This one should be obvious and yet people still do it. You are essentially telling your dad that you think that he’s a joke. I’m sure he’ll be proud when he’s lying in bed late at night and turns to his wife and says, “Hey, look what the kids got me, Martha,” before squeezing a whoopee cushion that says “Filled With Dad’s Wisdom” on it. He’ll really know he’s loved and appreciated.
2. Something That’s Actually For You
Hooray, a family vacation! Yes, I’m sure your dad has been dying to go to Disney World even though he has a heart condition and can’t actually, you know, do anything. And I’m sure he’ll be incredibly happy to spend a week watching your kids in the hotel room while you and your wife romp on the beach. How incredibly thoughtful of you. I bet he’s just weeping with joy when he thinks of that trampoline you bought him so that the kids have something to do when they come over. I’m sure he and mom will get hours of entertainment from that Xbox Live subscription you bought him while you’re coincidentally home on break from school for the summer. You’re such a thoughtful son.
1. A Tie
Come on, don’t be that dude. You are almost literally buying your dad a noose. If he’s the type of dude who wears ties everyday then he’s already got a closet full of them. If he isn’t, then what the hell are you buying him a tie for? Something so he’ll look spiffy at his own funeral? Somehow, the tie has become the symbol of Father’s Day. It’s the ultimate in clichéd gifts. That means that there are a lot of people who actually do this! It would be like buying your mother an apron. It just makes you look like an asshole, and since it’s Father’s Day and not Asshole’s Day, maybe take a few minutes and find a better gift idea, okay?
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