We’re in a time and place where people let their entire lives play out on the Internet in a three act, action packed train wreck that would even make Michael Bay comment, “Really, brah?” Facebook, in particular, takes voyeurism out of the bushes with binoculars, and allows regular folks to have their corneas tattooed by things that shouldn’t be seen my anyone but a licensed therapist. Oversharing is to this generation as The Electric Kool-Aid Test was to rebellious youngsters in the 60’s.
The things that are posted on Facebook range from comedic to tragic, exactly like a good movie does, and allows for good, reactionary thoughts. Here are 7 honest reactions to common things that people post on Facebook.
Photo credit: Woman on laptop image by Shutterstock
7 Wedding Photos
Normal reaction: I’m really happy that someone I consider a friend (as deemed by Facebook) has found that special someone. I wonder why I wasn’t invited.
Honest reaction: I can’t believe that dude is getting laid on a consistent basis, and I’m here whacking off to his then fiancé, and now wife. I’ve really got to get my shit together and find a woman who I love… or at least a woman who knows how to handle my delicates when it comes time to do the laundry. Fuck Greg from high school! I’m gonna keep whacking off to his fiancé (now wife)!
Photo credit: Katsunojiri, Flickr
6 Inspirational Quotes
Normal reaction: I’m glad she shared those well-timed words with me. I really needed them.
Honest reaction: Hmmm, a girl who used to give out handjobs in between the Slush Puppy machines in the cafeteria is now dishing out advice. A Ralph Waldo Emerson quote to boot: “always do what you are afraid to.” From the looks of all those malnourished kids you’ve got, you’re probably afraid of using condoms.
Photo credit: Charm2010, Flickr
5 YouTube Videos
Normal reaction: That (baby, horse, bear, dwarf) is so (drunk, scary, funny, dead)!!!
Honest reaction: You see that number by the video that has eight zeros next to it? You see it? It say’s 100,000,000 views. You’ve just now seen this video? You’re definitely like Steve Buscemi’s character from Billy Madison. I’ve definitely gotta call you to apologize.
Photo credit: thms.nl, Flickr
4 Vacation Photos
Normal reaction: Wow, that scenery is gorgeous. I’ve really got to set aside some time to visit Rome.
Honest reaction: Let me get this straight. It’s October, and you’re in Italy. Just because? Wonderful. Meanwhile, I’m sitting in this desk chair with bits of stolen office refrigerator sandwich under my fingernails, while the woman in the cubicle next to me smells like singed cat tail.
Photo credit: Benimoto, Flickr
3 Biblical Quotes
Normal reaction: Billy is exactly like Tim Tebow. He should really consider going into a motivational speaking career.
Honest reaction: “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.”
Photo credit: Duke Human Rights Center, Flickr
2 Food Photos
Normal reaction: Wow, that maple glazed pork shoulder with baby dill potatoes looks absolutely divine. You should try-out for Top Chef!
Honest reaction: If you’re showing me a picture of it going in, you might as well show me a picture of it going out, too! Because unless I can taste some of that slow-cooked, Ron Swanson-worthy cured meat, I’m interested in it as like it were fecal popsicle. I’m going to also start leaving anonymous messages on your tumblr so that you develop a food insecurity.
Photo credit: eliazar, Flickr
1 Slutty Self-Portraits
Normal reaction #1: Why does Darlene find it necessary to post pictures of herself in a g-string while sipping grenade shaped cocktails at the Hard Rock?
Honest Reaction #1: Darlene has the best Facebook profile ever! I’ve found myself tracing the shapes around her bikini top with my eyes looking for any glorious nipple slippage. Either that’s an areola or Darlene has a very seductively placed freckle.
(And we can’t leave out the ladies who lurk on the Web site, as well as our gay compatriots…)
Normal reaction #2: Chad certainly loves taking self portraits of himself making a duck face and pulling up his shirt to reveal his abs.
Honest reaction #2: Chad has definitely taken a picture of himself where he’s used a Sprite can as a frame of reference for “its” size.
Photo credit: Felipe Holanda, Flickr
(Previously published on October 21, 2011.)