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THE BRO-ROMETER: An Analysis Of The Biggest Bro And Not Bro Moments Of The Week

By / 09.04.14

The Brorometer

Welcome to the first edition of the Bro-Rometer. Every week (unless I get lazy) I’ll weigh in on the biggest news, dumbest and craziest stories in the world. I’ll decide if the story is bro, not bro or if I could care less either way.

For the first installment, let’s talk about naked celebs, NFL sundays, 4-year-old models, messages from the dead and gym selfies.

THE FAPPENING

In twenty years, you’re going to tell your kid where you were the moment you found out about The Fappening. Just don’t tell him where you were after you found out, especially if it’s the same desk chair he sits in to use the computer.

So let’s set the record straight about what’s bro and not bro in this whole ordeal. Hacking is wrong. Hacking into iCloud is kinda wrong but you’d imagine a company like Apple would have their shit together in matters like people cracking into iCloud and taking stuff like it’s a Ferguson grocery store. It would have been much worse if the hacker got into individual cell phones, but he didn’t, so it’s not as heinous. Owning technology like an iPhone or computer without taking a second to realize “oh, this thing is saving my photos to some random server somewhere, I should probably rectify that situation immediately or someday my snatch is going to be all over the internet” well that’s a user error. DECISION: MOSTLY NOT BRO

 

RETURN OF THE NFL ON SUNDAYS

The NFL kicks off tonight with the defending Super Bowl champions taking on the only legit reason to ever visit Wisconsin. I’m glad the NFL is back but only for the weeknight and Sunday night games. Sunday football games are a god damn chore. Unless you’ve got zero social life or have been deemed medically too fat to leave your house, spending an entire eight hours on a Sunday watching football is unnecessary.

I’ve been watching NFL football for two decades. I’ve never finished a marathon session on a Fall Sunday and thought “that was completely worth my time” unless a) I napped for half of it b) I was hungover and was comatose for 1/3 of it or c) I was too fat to leave my place. Sunday Night Football is a good distraction from the shitty work or school week ahead. Monday Night Football is good for meeting up with friends and drinking to forget the next four days of work or school. Sunday football is sufficient in small chunks. DECISION: NO BRO

 

4-YEAR-OLD GETS MODELING GIG

This little dude has a modeling contract now, thanks to his mom. He’s four. He’s going to make more money and get more pussy than the average bro. He’s four, the pussy are actual cats, calm down sickos. This kid is going to make bank, retire from the game before he hits fifth grade, and coast through the rest of his life. I really hate my lazy mom right now. DECISION: BRO

 

DEAD GUY TELLS LIVING GUY TO ‘GO F*CK HIMSELF’

Long story short — Boston guy is doing work on his old house. He rips up the floorboard to find a message from the past. A guy who did work on the place years ago wrote a special message that ends with a sweet, sentimental “Go Fuck Yourself” to whoever might find the missive. It’s one thing to tell off a dude on the subway or at a bar, it’s next level to tell a guy who isn’t even BORN YET to get fucked. DECISION: TOTALLY BRO

 

THE BENCH PRESS SELFIE

This happened at my gym the other night. I saw it happen. A guy loaded three 45 pound plates on each side of the bar on a flat bench, plus a 25 on each side, plus a 10 on each side for 385 pounds. He had a spotter and a friend standing in front of him with a cell phone ready. With help, he lifted the bar off, held it in the air while his boy snapped a pic, and the minute his boy said “alright, I got it” the barbell dropped to his chest like a pearl necklace of homemade duck butter. The spotter helped him bring it back up.

He wasn’t even CLOSE to doing a rep. He did less than half a rep. He exerted more energy putting the plates on the bar. If you can’t really lift it, don’t fake like you can photo lift it. DECISION: ABOUT AS UN-BRO AS POSSIBLE

Got something you want me to discuss? Hit me up on Twitter or email me at chris.illuminati [@] wovendigital.com


TAGSBro or No BroBro-Rometer
Chris Illuminati
About Chris Illuminati... Here is more than you'll ever really want to know about me -- These are the books I've written, these are the places I've done or will do stand-up, these are the articles I've written, this is the blog I do about my inadequacies as a father and this is how you can get in touch with me.

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