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15 guys admit the most bizarre thing they’ve done to get out of having sex

By / 05.14.14
via Shutterstock

via <a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-177247505/stock-photo-frightened-and-scared-man-trying-to-escape-from-the-bed-because-he-is-afraid-of-woman.html?src=W1GIwGmwYDcOOnGmm44JhA-1-10">Shutterstock</a>


 

What do you do when someone is so persistent in trying to get you into bed? Whatever it takes. A group of guys discussed the craziest thing they’ve ever done to avoid having sex and it was absolutely hysterical.

Here are some of the most outrageous ones from the thread.

And remember ladies, “no means no.”

Rider_Pride

“While wing-manning a friend (who was having sex in another room of the house) I had to sleep in the same bed as the girl he was having sex with’s ugly friend. So she really wants to do the dirty but I’m not feeling it with her at all. So very drunk, I decide to make a “fort” on my half of the bed out of blankets and pillows and such and try to go to sleep. However, she is surprisingly aggressive, so for an hour I have to keep yelling at her, “NO GIRLS ALLOWED IN MY FORT!” She eventually got the message.”

Winston_Vodkatooth

“I was drunk, sitting up on top of a dryer in a friend’s laundry room. The creepy girl I had avoided all evening entered and had me cornered in the room. She pushes up on me, tries unbuckling my belt, and attempts to kiss me. My only method of evasion was to fall backwards behind the dryer and wait until backup arrived. Three friends heard her calling for help and sprung me from being trapped between the wall and the dryer. I left the room with them as my guardians. I’ll never forget the terror of being wedged back there, while watching her fat hot-dog fingers try to molest me from above.”

Rya1111

“I was with some friends in a house for the summer. The house wasn’t very big and we slept 3 in each room (we were 9 total). For the sake of friendship we all agreed that we wouldn’t be fooling around with each other. All was going fine, we were having a really good time together. About 2 weeks in things started to change: One of the two girls that I shared a room with – let’s call her Sara – started to do some strange things – like leaving her underwear in my bed, walking around a lot on her underwear, etc. I never said anything because our other friend was in the room and she didn’t said anything so my thought was, “It’s nothing out of the ordinary, just ignore it.” This kept going for a month-and-a-half. We had just 1 more week to the end of the summer and then it got worse: She climbed on my bed, naked! I really didn’t liked her that way and I didn’t want to go there with her so I panicked. I got up and said, “Sorry Sara, I’m in love with Rita [our other roommate].” I ran to Rita, waked her up and kissed her. The poor thing was really shocked but I explained everything to her. We had to fake sex for the rest of the week.”

GingerSquatch

“Back in college I was a designated driver for a group of friends. We get to a party and my sober ass is bored. Then a very very drunk woman I knew from one of my classes started hitting on me, culminating with her telling me she’d fuck my brains out. Sober me thought this wasn’t kosher since she was hammered so I turned around for a moment and yanked a few hairs out of my nose. It made me eyes water and my nose run and I said, “I have a brutal cold you don’t want to catch. Why don’t you let me get better and then I’ll take you out.” I gave her my phone number and she though that was so sweet she passed out with her head in my lap. Three days later before class she came up to me, gave me a HUGE hug, and thanked me for not being a dick. We ended up dating and she’s still one of my best friends.”

UncleOce

“Told her that Jesus wouldn’t approve of our having premarital sex (she stunk horrendously once I got down there).

I lived in a small town where dating was really, really hard. I was mid-late 20s and the only people I ever met were married. Actually pretty depressing. One Saturday morning I wake up and have a random Facebook message from some girl in town asking if I wanted to hang out that night. Looked through her pictures; cute, nice body, decent job, and within 5 years of my age!

Decide to hang out at my house and watch a football game. She shows up looking at least 20lbs heavier than her pictures and some pretty broken out skin, but I’m okay with that. Let’s see what she’s like before dismissing her. I had bought us pizza and booze for the night. She scarfs down her portion of the pie before I’ve finished half of mine. Next, onto the booze. She finished her bottle of sangria in about 3 minutes…literally chugs every drink.

So she’s getting pretty tipsy within 30 minutes of showing up. But that’s not enough, so she keeps sneaking into the kitchen and drinking vodka straight from the bottle (I caught her the 3rd time). Classy, huh?
The rest of the night involved her trying to get me to make out with her repeatedly. When I would refuse, she’d literally throw a tantrum. Finally, after having enough, I told her she needed to leave. She proceeds to pout on the couch for a few minutes, puts in her iphone headphones, then starts SCREAMING along to some songs.

FINALLY, she apologizes and I manage to get her calmed down. At this point she starts trying to get things dirty-dirty. I’m like, “nope. not going to happen.” But then came the big equalizer: She offers anal. I’ve never HAD anal, so I’m like – uhhhh, seriously? She says yeah. To the bedroom we head.

Even WITH the promise of said anal, I could NOT get over the overwhelming smell of zoo/farm animal that eviscerated the sanitation of the room the SECOND her shorts came off. I gagged. And that’s when I found Jesus.”

Bobby2525

“Not something I did, but my brother. For a few weeks in high school, I lived with my mom, and I was babysitting my younger brothers. A girl with who I went to school decided to stop by, and was clumsily trying to seduce me. She had a bit of a reputation, and I was watching kids besides, so I really wasn’t into it. Anyway, she got really forceful, and my younger brother picked up on the fact that I was uncomfortable.

As an aside, I was supposed to be very careful about letting the boys play wrestling video games, as they tended to get a little rowdy. I had completely ignored this rule all day.

Anyway, my brother saw how uncomfortable I was, so he decided that he was going to climb on the back of the couch and dropkick the fuck right out of her.

I pretended to be upset with him until she got back up and left, then high fived him and took my brothers out for ice cream.”

Oafah

“I opened up a collectible card game and miniature store.”

1stAnalrapist

“I ran the fuck away. I was with a girl from a party out on the street going at it on top of a car hood in an alley. After a bit she tried to slip me in, because she was wearing a skirt and no panties this was easily attainable. She had a deathlock on my hips with her legs as I was standing there and I asked if she had any condoms. She told me “No,” and again with her deathlock on me started to steer me back into her.

In my head I was thinking, “Fuck AIDS and shit, I don’t know her, she’s not even wearing panties.” Instead of telling her I didn’t want to, my drunk ass instead went, “Ohhhh!” and pointed out across the street. When she looked, I spun out of her grip and all in one motion grabbed my pants back up and went into a full sprint and jumped the fence into someone’s yard and took off down the street.

About the time I hit the ground over the fence I heard her yell ‘Are you fucking kidding me!!!’”

Lucifer-Obgyn

“The sex with my ex-girlfriend was so terrible (she’d lay there like a dead fish, basically) that when we would go out to bars, I’d purposely give myself whiskey dick.”

via IMGUR

via IMGUR


 

HumanMichael

“My friend was very drunk in college, and went home with a very unattractive girl. We had tried to stop him, but he didn’t listen. Shortly after arriving at her home, he said he regained clarity, and realized he needed to escape. She left the room for a moment to brush her teeth or some such task, and he jumped out her second story window. He forgot his hat, though, and had to climb back in said window. Then he jumped back out. It was a small school. We saw her on campus often.”

ToxicNed

“When I was an RA in college, one of my residents had a crush on me that wasn’t reciprocated. Her roommate invited me over one night to watch a movie with the two of them, then the roommate left the room. There we were, sitting on the floor, watching some stupid chick flick, when she moved over to sit even closer to me. She grabbed a blanket and threw it over our laps, moving even closer. I knew things were going to be going the way of the smooching and horizontal mambo shortly if things went as she planned, but I was not attracted to her and wanted to the foil the plan as best I could.

Thank goodness it was taco night in the cafeteria. Even my eyes watered with the stench and spice of that magnificent fart. And it saved me from doing the hibbidy dibbidy with one of my residents.”

IcebergLives

“Girl I was dating in college wanted me to come over to her apartment. Told her I couldn’t because I was busy watching the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Movie with my roommates (which I was).”

JohnofArc

“My girlfriend was in Spain for a while and I was hanging at my local bar for a few drinks after work one night. Somehow while I was having a beer or two and playing darts time passed and all of a sudden it’s near closing time. I am normally a bike commuter, but was recovering from being hit by a car so I was waiting on a cab while this 5-6/10 regular customer was trying to chat me up.

I’m courteous and polite, but trying to shut her down. After forty minutes of no cab showing up, chick offers to give me a ride home. I say, fuck it; it’s free. I’ll take it. Once we’re in the car she won’t stop seriously trying to hit on me. Eventually she asks why I don’t just stay with her and I reply, as I have quite a bit at this point, that I have a girlfriend and I love her. She asks what the hell is so special about this girl that I won’t just cheat on her real quick.

Now I’m past being uncomfortable and into getting pissed. I keep my cool, and explain that if I were to come over then I’d need to stop by my house and get my toy box. She asks what that means, and I tell her it’s just the standard stuff. Ball gags, riding crops, a couple butt plugs, just the basics. She seems a bit weirded out, but not quite what I want. So I say, if you’re into it, that’s just the beginning. Are you into bondage? I’ve got a whole closet full of fun stuff to play with. I keep going, pulling all of this out of thin air, and by the time we’re a couple miles down the road at my house, this bitch can’t wait to get me out of her car. Never did see her in the bar, either.”

Vagispew

“When I was in my fresher year of university I made an error. After being down the nearest student bar and drank an obscene amount of beer, my beer goggle turned on. Enter overweight Irish girl. In my mind I was sure she was beautiful and witty… Turned out not. Cue memory loss and I black back in when I have managed to bring this troll back to my flat in our halls of residence, kissing in the corridor and whatnot.

This was just around the time of Christmas holidays, so one of my flatmates had already headed home for the holidays. Like the rookie he was, he had left his room unlocked. So, drunken me decides “fuck it, he’s a dickhead” and lead the girl into his room. After this normal sexual initiations begin and I gradually begin to sober up and feel worse for the beer I have had. So then I decide to be a gentleman and go down on her. Around then I realize my real mistake. There’s this fucking rank fishy smell. I am talking about yeast infection bad smell. My nose picked up on it too late… I licked.

And then I vomited. I vomited on her vagina.

Drunken save yourself abandon ship mode engages. I jump up, grab my clothes and leave before she realizes what’s happened. As I leave I hear “OH MY GOD!”

Went into my room, locked the door, slept, stayed in the room for roughly 24 hours just in case she hadn’t left. Man I was hungry and thirsty.

Worst hangover ever.”

Ricochetman

“I got married.”

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