Beer pong is wonderful. It gets you drunk and when you play, all of life’s worries fade away like you’re living inside the Reading Rainbow theme song. But instead of gaining pleasure from a bunch of dumb word chains you’re achieving joyous highs from launching a ball into a plastic cup of booze. It may very well be man’s finest creation. But sometimes people try to ruin it. This is a list of those A-holes, with tips on how to deal with them.
Photo credit: led_head101, Flickr
10 The Guy Who Treats Every Shot Like a Game 7 Free Throw
This dude has a whole big process to go through before every shot: wiping the ball, doing two practice follow-throughs without the ball in his hand before touching the corner of the table then bouncing the ball exactly three times on that same spot he just touched, then smelling his own taint. And while this A-hole is taking his grand old time Sergio Garcia-ing before every GD shot, your beers are getting warm.
Best course of action: Make sure you have a cold side-beer.
9 The Line Enforcer
Super vigilant about everyone’s toes/elbows staying behind the imaginary lines, because he sucks so he makes sure to shift the conversation to his nobility in never leaning.
Best course of action: Constantly call him out on line infractions.
8 The Noob
Says he was more of a “flip cup guy” in college, meaning he mostly hung out with girls (in a completely Platonic way).
Best course of action: Just let him be.
7 The Chaw Hound
Simultaneously chewing tobacco while playing. And the whole time you’ll just pray that he accidentally drinks his spit cup, but he never does. Instead, later in the evening you’ll have to drink from one of the Skoal-flecked cups on his side of the table.
Best course of action: Keep the ball out of the spit cup AT ALL COSTS.
6 The Encroachment Taunter
This A-hole breaks all psych-out etiquette by always penetrating the invisible force-field surrounding the cups as you’re mid-throw.
Best course of action: Try to hit his hand, thus earning you a re-shoot.
5 The Meathead
He arrived with a gym bag since he was just playing basketball/raquetball/was lifting and it was arms and back day and he’s pissed you’re playing with Bud Light instead of “Bud Heavy” even though “Bud Heavy” isn’t a thing that exists in the world.
Best course of action: Make him fetch as many balls as possible to increase his already high levels of fatigue.
4 The Girl
A noob with boobs.
Best course of action: You might as well look. Just don’t get caught staring: that’s when they bounce (the ping pong ball, you pervert).
3 The Pittsburgher
This A-hole wears a sports jersey while fully aware that after pong you’re all going out in the city, where civilized humans wear actual real clothing. This A-hole doesn’t have to be from Pittsburgh, but is named after that city for its adoption of sports jerseys as all-purpose attire.
Best course of action: Force him to change, seriously. You’re adults now. Even if that means lending him a shirt, do it.
2 The High Dude
He’s blown away by the fact that the cups are GREEN instead of RED whoooa. Also, he’s gleefully unaware of the stakes of this important game (namely, pride).
Best course of action: Don’t let it come down to the wire: since he has no idea what’s going on, he’ll feel no nerves on the high pressure shots.
1 The Ringer
A guy who clearly practices in his spare time. God, what an asshole.
Best course of action: Distract him by taking on one of the prior nine personas.
(Originally published on March 14, 2012.)
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