Most people these days believe in aliens. They just assume that one day Arnold Schwarzenegger will have to brawl with the Predator or that E.T. is living in their neighbor’s attic. Some people even think that there are aliens walking among us and will be quick to tell you, in between adjusting the tinfoil on their hats, that the President is actually a lizard man from Andromeda. Rarely do you find people who claim that they themselves are aliens, but they’re out there. Oh yes, they’re out there, and for both educational purposes and whatever entertainment you derive from laughing at these kooks, we present to you seven people who claimed to be aliens.
Photo credit: Aliens image by Shutterstock
7 Anne Heche
Actress Anne Heche is probably best known for two things: her Sapphic forays into the nether regions of Ellen Degeneres and for being batshit crazy. It’s that whole insanity thing that brings us here today since the highpoint (lowpoint?) in her crazy-lady ravings was probably the time she claimed to be a woman named Celestia, who came from another planet – she didn’t specify which one which honestly just seems sort of lazy – and was both the half-sister of Jesus Christ and the pen-pal of God. Heche completely bottomed out when she showed up half-naked at a stranger’s door and asked if she could take a shower before leaving on her spaceship, after which she finally sought help. Today she realizes that Celestia was just the character invented by a mind shattered by mental illness, but maybe, just maybe, she actually is from another planet and maybe if she just got to take her shower she could be living the good life on Jupiter. Who’s to say?
Photo credit: Anne Heche image by Featureflash/Shutterstock
6 Cynthia Crawford
Cynthia Crawford is a sculptor who spends most of her time making sculptures of aliens, which is weird enough on its own, but not nearly as weird as this: she also claims to be a human/alien hybrid, the result of some super-secret (is there any other kind?) government experiment. Impressively, or insanely, or perhaps both, she claims to know the exact ratio of her human to alien blood, claiming to be 34% human. I guess we could try to guess which parts exactly are human, but that would get really weird really quickly. Then again, I’m not sure you could get any weirder than a woman claiming to be 2/3 alien. She actually claims via Twitter to have “porous bones from [her] Zeta DNA” and that if she breaks a bone she would be “transported to an alien ship and healed.” She must have one hell of a health insurance plan.
Photo credit: YouTube
5 Antonio Vilas Boas
Antonio Vilas Boas was a Brazilian farmer and while he didn’t technically think he was an alien, he did claim to father an alien so I think he’s earned his place on this illustrious list. The story goes that Boas was just chilling on the farm, plowing his fields, when a spaceship landed and a five foot tall alien kicked his ass and dragged him on board which is kind of embarrassing. There, he was placed in a room and eventually a lady alien showed up, looking all kinds of fine, and Boas claimed that they did the dirty not once but twice – he specifically mentioned that she had great boobs and oh yeah, she was a firecrotch, so basically this dude boned an alien Lindsay Lohan. After they finished knocking space boots, the lady alien rubbed her belly and pointed up to space and Boas naturally assumed this meant that he knocked her up and that she would raise the baby as a single parent. Then the aliens gave him back his clothes and kicked him off the ship and although he probably didn’t much like the idea of being a deadbeat dad at least he never had to worry about paying child support. But somewhere out there is a half-alien/half-human hybrid who probably got picked on by all the pureblood alien kids and who has spent his whole life wondering who his real father is. And that’s why it’s important to always wear a condom, even while farming.
Photo credit: YouTube/Paranormal TV
4 The Voca People
The Voca People are an Israeli vocal ensemble who claim to be alien beings from another planet where the only means of communication is through a cappella singing and beat-boxing, which honestly sounds sort of like hell rather than an alien planet. Sure, people will say that they’re just performance artists playing up a weird backstory, sort of like David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust Martian character but maybe, just maybe, they really are from outer-space and maybe this is just the first wave in an invasion of beat-boxing aliens, in which case I hope LL Cool J is ready for an actual comeback because we’re gonna need all the help we can get.
Photo credit: Voca People image by Popova Valeriya/Shutterstock
3 Omnec Onec
Omnec Onec is an infamous kook who claims to have been born on Venus where she lived as some sort of disembodied spirit in a city named Teutonia. She says that she was sent here to Earth to serve as the Venusian ambassador and that she was born 246 “Earth” years ago, and when she arrived she first chilled with some Tibetan monks before inhabiting the body of a little girl in Tennessee. She’s either completely nuts or just really, really dedicated to living the gimmick because she’s gone so far as to go on Jerry Springer with three of her kids, Zandar, Tobi and JoJo. Look, everyone’s been embarrassed by their parents before, it’s part of growing up, but you probably haven’t known embarrassment until your mom calls you Zandar and takes you on Jerry Springer to announce to the world that she is actually from Venus.
Photo credit: YouTube
2 Nikola Tesla
Yes, Nikola Tesla, one of the most brilliant men to have ever lived, claimed to have actually been from Venus. (I wonder if he knew Omnec Onec as a kid? Maybe they held hands and wandered in the toxic greenhouse gas clouds together? Just wondering out loud here.) In fact, this seems to have inspired one of Tesla’s passions – inventing a sort of Wi-Fi that would allow him to contact both Venus and Mars. Sure, from all appearances Tesla went sliding down that slippery slope that separates “genius” from “mad scientist,” but haven’t we all wished for a more powerful Wi-Fi at some point? Who cares why he wanted to do it – I think we’d all tolerate a crazy dude furiously trying to Skype with some ladies on Venus as long as it meant we’d get full signal strength in every room.
Photo credit: Abode of Chaos, Flickr
1 God
According to Joseph Smith, the father of the Mormon religion, God revealed to him that he was actually just some dude, an ordinary Joe who lived on another planet long ago before becoming the OG badass from the Bible. Basically, the story goes that he went through the process of becoming what the Mormons refer to as an exalted being back on his home planet before flying off to Earth where he gets his powers from the yellow sun like Superman or something. I guess that makes Secular Humanism his version of Kryptonite and I suppose the devil would be like Lex Luthor. Really, we’d all understand this if only the Bible had a better illustrator. Just remember all this the next time you’re in church, because according to Joseph Smith, you’re really just on your knees praying to Alf.
Photo credit: God image by Shutterstock