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15 of the greatest Patton Oswalt quotes of all time

By / 08.15.13

"I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you."

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/zachklein/8795652/sizes/z/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr/Zach Klein</a>


Writer, actor, stand-up comedian, sci-fi aficionado, Patton Oswalt enters the Guyism Hall of Quotes today because he’s awesome, hilarious, and if you think otherwise you’re simply wrong. Patton Oswalt quotes are a natural inclusion here in our ongoing effort to immortalize the words of societies’ funniest men, because frankly he’s one of societies’ funniest men. So without further ado, let’s dive into the deep end of Patton Oswalt quotes.

Popular quotes can serve both as a reminder of humility, a source of humor and a catalyst of inspiration. So if popular quotes is what you fancy then be sure to check out past editions of this post here.

"If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins."

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/soundfromwayout/136408255/sizes/m/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr/soundfromwayout</a>


Every romantic comedy should just be called, 'Trying to F**k.'

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/electricwindows/241881262/sizes/m/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr/sittered</a>


"I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes."

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/cmdrgravy/312064901/sizes/m/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr/CmdrGravy</a>


“Cheap liquor is a magic potion that can turn you into a puppet cowboy before it kills you.”

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/ashley_r/3801410791/sizes/m/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr/Ashley R. Photography</a>


"I like my women like I like my coffee: tied up in a sack and thrown on the back of a donkey by Juan Valdez."

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/fabio2005/115064315/sizes/m/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr/-weezar-</a>


“If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.”

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/soundfromwayout/136408059/sizes/m/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr/soundfromwayout</a>


“People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald's hash brown if it's all they've got.”

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/kodomut/4867898962/sizes/m/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr/kodomut</a>


“Comedy and terror and autobiography and comics and literature-they're all the same thing. To me.”

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/bmethe/9086580732/sizes/m/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr/bMethe</a>


"We need conservatives that can accept gays, and then we need hippies that can shave and bathe."

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/istolethetv/4045893088/sizes/m/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr/istolethetv</a>


"If you lose a fight to a midget, you become one."

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/shankbone/5125333684/sizes/m/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr/David Shankbone</a>


"90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on."

<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/a_thousand_words/5340369856/sizes/m/in/photostream/" target="_blank">Flickr/dominic bartolini</a>


"We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We'd have eaten ourselves alive long ago."

<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Patton_Oswalt_(4840357062).jpg" target="_blank">Wikimedia</a>


"If you can take care of yourself and make it to 90, starting at age 90, every year, one law no longer applies to you. Now it starts off small: when you turn 90, you can legally litter. You can litter whenever you want to. You just walk up to a cop on your 90th birthday and drop a cheeseburger wrapper: Hey guess what today is?"

<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Patton_Oswalt-Rififi-07-10-2007-1.jpg" target="_blank">Wikimedia</a>


"You ever go out with someone, and then you realize three months into it that they're a little muffin-basket made out of rainbow kisses?"

<a href="http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Patton_Oswalt.jpg" target="_blank">Wikimedia</a>







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TAGSactor quotesauthor quotescomedian quotesfunny jokesfunny quotesMovie quotespatton oswalt jokespatton oswalt quotespopular quotes
Cass Anderson
About Cass Anderson... Cass is the social media editor and Director of Online Marketing for Guyism.com. You will find him at every Phish show that has ever existed, even ones before he was born.

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