Summer is here and that means that it’s time to hit the beach. And since we here at Guyism believe in always being prepared -– which, incidentally, is why we never leave the home without condoms, a medieval mace and a card with all our medical information on it –- we thought we’d fill you in on all the different types of people you’ll find at the beach this summer. It’s just like going to the jungle. You have to know which beasts to avoid if you want to survive. But let’s be honest, at the end of the day, we all belong to at least one of these groups. Hell, during my own strange and mysterious spirit journey through this thing we call life I have found myself belonging to more than one. Find yours and sadly nod your head as you read along. Come on, it will be fun. Just do it. Come onnnnnnnn. Anyway, here are the 11 types of people you’ll see at the beach.
Photo credit: Payton Chung, Flickr
11 The Pack
Human beings are animals, and that is never more obvious than when they get together in groups. And it is especially obvious when that group is a bunch of young dudes at the beach. They roam in packs, looking for hot girls to bother, like restless baboons in heat. They have their alpha male, usually an ultra-cocky sociopath, who shamelessly says whatever the hell is on his mind and does everything short of actually pissing on everyone else in order to mark his territory. Loud, aggressive, the pack is quick to laugh and even quicker to fight, and they follow their alpha dog like wild mongrels, dry humping everything in sight. Approach with caution.
10 The Sorority
Similar to the male pack, the sorority can be seen congregating in large, bikini clad groups. Unlike, the pack, however, this female horde likes to stay largely in one place, gathered together on their beach towels for protection from the wild male beasts who roam the land. They can be seen laughing and whispering to one another, making fun of everyone who isn’t them, and smearing and spraying tanning oil all over one another in between long spells spent roasting under the sun. They can often be seen mingling coyly with the male pack, and will actively seek their attention even while they pretend like they don’t care. Their accessories include tiny bikinis, fashion magazines, the cell phones which they use to text one another even though they are only two feet apart, and boobs. Oh, and butts too. Also, legs, and…
9 The Lone Gunman
This particular beach goer is quiet and mysterious. He’s often overdressed -– which for the beach means he’s wearing, well, anything other than a simple bathing suit really -– and it’s hard to tell what he’s really doing there. He can be seen trudging through the sand in jeans and combat boots, seemingly oblivious to the world. Maybe he’s crazy, or maybe he just wants to ogle hot chicks in bikinis. Who knows? After all, even the crazy intense dude who likes to sit up in the bell tower cleaning his rifle needs the occasional bit of R & R.
8 The DJ
Usually a member of The Pack, the DJ is the dude tasked with providing a sound track to the beach experience -– both for the pack and for anyone else on the beach, whether they like it or not. Usually, the DJ favors club and dance music mixed in with typical Top 40 stuff, and he and his friends can often be heard obnoxiously singing along with the music, if for no other reason than they know that it annoys the shit out of everyone else. However, there are often several competing packs roaming the beach, each with their own DJ and the result is usually a mish-mash of the same ten or fifteen songs, competing with one another and creating a cacophony of wild noise and dumb hooting, like apes with iPods.
7 The Old Man (And Woman) And The Sea
Senior citizens love the beach as much as the rest of us. Unfortunately this means we have to look at their wrinkly old bodies crammed into skin tight bathing suits. Shudder. But even worse than the site of them lounging on the beach like shriveled old crabs is this: old people are really, really annoying. They talk about whatever the hell they feel like talking about and they will talk shit about you even if you are only three feet away. And they’re loud too. Just because they can’t hear anything anymore, they apparently feel like nobody else can either because they shout any old nonsensical gibberish that pops into their pudding filled brains. Avoid at all costs, unless of course you enjoy hearing about the trials and tribulations of the ugly neighbor girl with the club foot twenty-five times throughout the day.
6 Joe Montana
Joe Montana is that guy at every beach who shows up with a football and won’t rest until he gets his friends to play catch even though the beach is packed and chances are close to 100% that some poor idiot is going to get bonked in the head by an errant throw. But Joe Montana will also use this opportunity to purposefully overthrow his friends in order to send the ball crashing down in the middle of a gaggle of bikini clad girls, which will then allow him to come sniffing around under the guise of getting his ball back. Joe Montana is also the mortal enemy of old people, who will freak out every time the ball comes near like they are having a war flashback. They will openly bitch him out in front of the whole beach, which he will then use as yet another way to wriggle inside the beach towel walls of the Bikini Kingdom. Joe Montana is a crafty one, and while he may be annoying, the effectiveness of his methods cannot be denied.
5 The Sun Worshipper
The sun worshipper can be identified by his or her orange leather skin and their complete indifference to the rest of the world. You will wonder at times whether the sun worshipper is asleep, or even if he or she is still alive. Because once they hit the beach and get set up, they aren’t moving. They’ll just lie back and bask in the sun’s rays, worshipping their giant yellow god the only way they know how: through complete and utter submission to his touch. They don’t give a damn about skin damage or the fact that they look like the offspring of George Hamilton and a crocodile, because they love the sun and the sun loves them.
4 The Treasure Hunters
The treasure hunters can be seen slowly wandering the beach with a metal detector in their hands, oblivious to the rest of the world, convinced that something lies beneath the sand other than, well, more sand. They tune out the laughter of the rest of the beach with giant earphones, which relay the blips and beeps from their metal detectors to their ears, and if they’re lucky, at the end of the day, they can sit back and proudly clutch a couple of nickels or maybe even a whole quarter. Sure, they look dumb as hell, but after a few days they might be able to afford a whole cup of coffee. So really, who’s the dummy now? Wait, it’s still them.
3 The Loud Guy
The Loud Guy can be identified by, well, the fact that he’s really, really loud. A member of The Pack, usually its leader, the loud guy doesn’t give a damn who’s listening because he’s gonna say whatever the hell he feels like saying. Obnoxious, boorish, the loud guy will spend half his time swearing and the other half making shameless comments to girls in bikinis. By the time the day is over, everyone on the beach will know this dude’s life story, his favorite music, his likes and dislikes, what he thinks the best type of bikini cut is, and his thoughts on foreign policy. Sure, the latter is usually just a loud “I like Asian chicks” followed by half-drunken laughter and racist impressions, but he’ll let you know it all the same.
2 The Brady Bunch
Here’s the story of a lovely lady… and her 116 screaming brat kinds and her put-upon husband, and oh my god, if there is ever a group you don’t want to be stuck next to, it’s this one. Usually, the mom is so worn out that she just spends half her time bellowing from her beach chair at wild eyed little urchins who don’t listen and who will run by you over and over again and kick sand in your face. The dad, meanwhile, just sits there sadly while the ghosts of his youth frolic past him, laughing in their bikinis and throwing their footballs without a care in the world. It’s depressing as hell. And what’s worse, this is always the group that has to bring the whole damn store with them — inflatable rafts, giant umbrellas, giant plastic chairs, you name it -– which blocks everyone’s view and generally ruins the day. As a special terrible bonus, these oh so special folks often are accompanied by the old people discussed earlier, meaning that you get a double dose of misery out of the deal. If you see them marching your way, pray, make deals with the devil, throw handfuls of sand, hiss like a rabid lunatic, do anything to keep them from sucking you down with them into their traveling hell circus.
1 The Queen
This bikini clad queen is the most beautiful girl on the beach. She’s the one the pack of wild dogs better known as men circle and sniff and fight over like dumb animals just for the chance to ogle her. Sometimes she’s accompanied by her court, and sometimes the Queen rests alone, atop a regal beach towel. Identify her and then watch and laugh as people desperately try to pretend like they’re not staring at her and she pretends like they aren’t looking. Watch, fascinated, as she shoots down the lame advances of some shameless pack leader. Cringe as the Loud Guy crudely explains to his friends -– and everybody else — that he is, in fact, attracted to her. Well, parts of her anyway. The Queen is both flattered and annoyed by all this attention, and while she’ll never deny anyone the chance to worship her, she’ll never let anyone get too close either. She rules the beach, and everyone else just revolves around her and her court. You may not like it, but that’s just the way it is, and that’s why she’s the Queen.
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