Girls
by Victoria McKenzie on November 9, 2012

 

1. Why We Fake Orgasms

Sometimes it just isn’t going to happen. We’ve tried telling you, but you rarely listened. Guys love a challenge. It’s in your nature. If we tell you that we can’t always get there and tonight is just one of those nights, it’s like we’ve offered you the ultimate challenge and its game on. You. Won’t. Quit. Yes, that’s kind of hot but there are only so many positions we can try before we start to chafe. Being the gentleman that you are, you’re most likely abiding by the “Ladies First” rule. We feel bad watching your face scrunch up and become contorted as you try to last long enough for us to reach that sweet release that will never come. Pun intended. We don’t want to hurt your feelings or make you feel insecure about not getting us off. We also don’t want to sleep through our alarm and miss our early meeting or 9 a.m. class. So we start breathing heavily, grinding harder up against you, whispering your name as well as God’s, grasping the sheets as we moan louder and then loudly act out the grand finale so you can do the same. No one’s feelings are hurt, you’re happy for obvious reasons and we’re happy to cuddle and fall asleep. It’s a win, win.

2. Why We Travel to the Bathroom in Packs

No, our bladders are not telepathically in sync. This bonding ritual can be traced back to our first party in middle school. During a game of spin the bottle, we desperately needed to pee but didn’t want to announce it in front of the bros in training for fear of being made fun of. One brave soul announced that she was going to the bathroom and four girls chimed in “OMG Me too!” That was the beginning. It became a courtesy in high school as well as a safe haven to gossip and talk about the guys. Now it’s just one of those weird social norms that we’re obligated as women to fulfill. Truth is we’re discussing the same things in the ladies’ room that you’re discussing in our absence back at the bar with your bros. We’re comparing notes on the guys we’ve been talking to, calling dibs on the hot one and scrutinizing the guy with the slicked back hair and heavy cologne that asked, “Do you come here often?”

3. Why We Never Eat the Last Bite of Our Sandwich/Hamburger

Firstly, we ordered a sandwich or hamburger rather than a salad which means we’ve already strayed from our diet. Leaving that last bite on the dish makes us feel less guilty. Yes, it’s ridiculous but it’s reassuring. If we’re on a date with you, we may realize that we we’re having so much fun that we forgot about being sexy and just housed nearly an entire burger and half a plate of fries. Not so cute. In a humble attempt to regain our femininity, we put the burger down without completing it so show how lady-like we are. It’s also kind of fun to watch your eyes wander from our cleavage down to the remnants of our burger, back to our boobs, up to our eyes for a minute and then back to the burger before contributing to the conversation with, “Yo, are you going to finish that?”

4. Why We Sometimes Say No When You Offer to Buy Shots

At the beginning of the night this will rarely ever happen. Bitches love shots. Towards the end of the night however it’s not that uncommon. We’ve already pregamed with the girls, bought a round of drinks then drank the next two rounds that our friends bought, did shots from some cute guy at our favorite bar, drank the free drink from the bartender, downed shots from a guy who might have been cute at some bar we don’t really remember and then you showed up in our fuzzy haze asking if we want more shots. No thanks, but a beer might be cool. Or a water. Turning down your offer to buy doesn’t always mean we’re not interested. We cannot drink as much as you can. Even if we drunkenly slur that we could drink you under a table, we are lying. So please do not call us a pussy and start force feedings us shots unless you want to carry our dead, lifeless and vomit covered bodies home.

5. Why We’re “CRAZY”

This one is tough to give a straight answer for but it was also the most asked, so here it goes. How many girls have you dated that ended up being totally crazy? All of them? The majority? That’s interesting because just about every guy we’ve dated have been assholes. Chances are we’re not all “crazy” and you’re not all “assholes.” That’s just the go-to explanation that we tend to say when things don’t work out. However, we totally agree that some of us can be certifiably insane. Most of the time, crazy comes out when we’re highly intoxicated. Fights over nothing that end in tears and hysterics? Drunk Crazy Bitch. Screaming at some other girl and getting into a bar fight over a guy? Drunk Crazy Bitch. Best sex of your life? Drunk Crazy Bitch. Just ask Josh Todd from Buckcherry. Crazy can be hot. Make-up sex anyone? For the sober crazies, we don’t really have an explanation. PMS maybe? If you’re favorite friend with benefits starts getting “crazy” on you, she’s probably caught feelings and is not being upfront about them. Casual sex is not as easy for girls as it is for guys. “Crazy” may be falling for you and on the verge of tipping into stage five clinger territory. You like her? Ask her out on a date. You don’t? Run. If you can’t handle the insanity, just be sure to pursue a career that makes you enough money to always be dating women in their twenties or thirties. If you can’t deal with how “crazy” women are now, you won’t do well when your wife becomes menopausal.

A few memorable mentions from friends that were asked but not answered included: “Why do girls hate the word moist?,” “Why do they date douchebags?,” “Why do skinny girls think they’re fat and fat girls think they’re Victoria’s Secret models?, “Hunter boots, WTF?!” If you have some more questions that you want answered, leave it for me in the comment box below. We may do a follow-up to this article if they seem interesting!

Xo, McKenzie

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