Editor's Note: After a brief hiatus, and with a new scribe (Fitz E Fresh) attached, our Ask a Babe column is back and will be running on Wednesdays from now on. Fitz pulled this week's questions from the large pool of unanswered emails left by our last Babe, but please submit new Ask a Babe questions here.
Q. Why do girls always show their boobs?
Allow me to answer your question with a series of questions;
Why is Kate Upton famous?
Why do dudes go to Mardi Gras?
Why did I just stare at that picture of Jennifer Walcott for four minutes?
- Why do strip clubs make money?
Why are you looking at porn right now?
- Why is the sky blue?
The answer: boobs. Yes, even to that last part. Girls are aesthetically pleasing, boobs are soft and dudes love them. The end
Q. Why do woman like Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom and other non-aesthetic physiques? Why are they not impressed with physiques such as Greg Plitt, Josef Rakich or Rob Riches? Does not make sense to me?
A. I don’t know who the f*ck Josef Rakich or Greg Plitt are, but I can infer almost immediately by your use of the word “physique” and reference to Brad Pitt as “non-aesthetic” that you are in fact a bodybuilder and a guido.
I never thought I’d have to justify why I found the sexiest man alive to be sexy, but Brad Pitt is all that is man and most girls I know would have sex with him on a busy street corner in broad daylight.
In general, girls like a guy who can lift a new television up the stairs and throw them onto beds, but you don’t have to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger (before his days of cheating on Maria Shriver) in order to do so. I always encourage a healthy workout regimen, because god knows seeing the Spring Break beach scene of beer-bellied frat stars surrounded by perfectly toned babes is unsightly. But most girls will agree that at a point, too much muscle is just too much. It’s embarrassing enough when a button pops off of a girl’s blouse, but if a dudes button detaches involuntarily due to swole manboobs, its time to shut down operations entirely. When you spend four hours a day at the gym and have to shop at Big & Tall (even though you’re 5’9’’), girls start to wonder what you’re overcompensating for. All we ask is that you be fit enough to carry us home when we’re too drunk to walk.
Q. So I want to talk to this really cute girl in my class -- I don't think she notices me -- but don't want to be that creepy guy. What's the best way to approach the situation?
A. Good question. And you’re right; you don’t want to be that creepy guy, because the creepy guy doesn’t (usually) get laid. That said, just like you’re scanning the room for “that cute girl in class”, she’s scoping out the dudes too. It can be hard to get noticed in a classroom setting, but I swear to god, in my college daze it was always the dudes who were confident and sharp enough to speak up in class who caught my eye. Not to be confused with the a*shole who thinks he’s smarter than the professor and never shuts up. F*ck that guy.
Anyways, try to make eye contact with her every once in a while (without staring). Hold the door for her, flash her a smile, and see if she sends back any reciprocal signals. If you guys “happen” to leave class at the same time, don’t be afraid to throw out some light class-related conversation starters, but don’t linger. Make it seem unforced and coincidental. Who knows, maybe the fates will align you in a group project together. Or maybe your class comments will win you a place in her study group. And then her pants.
Q. I'm a pretty hairy guy. Chest, stomach, shoulders, back, arms, legs, feet, the whole nine. I refuse to do any manscaping except for down south which I keep tidy. I'm the only guy I know my age (23) with this kind of insulation. I was wondering, what is your opinion on potentially excessive male body hair and what is the overall consensus of the female population?
A. First of all, is your name really Harry? Highly unfortunate coincidence; my condolences.
So Harry, when it comes to body hair, “potentially excessive” is definitely excessive. Meaning, get rid of that sh*t. Why do you think the abominable snowman never got laid? No, not because he lived in isolation for his entire life. It was because there were no Asian waxing salons in the middle of the forest he hid in.
Facial hair is sexy as sh*t, and hair on the arms, legs and chest is what makes a man manly. To an extent, au natural is a-okay. But when she’s digging her nails into what feels like Chewbacca’s back, she’s not screaming your name out of pleasure. (Read: hairy). Don’t be ashamed, just take action. And do so before the next time you bring a girl home.