Q: I wear headphones on the bus, to class, and on campus a majority of the time. One of my girl friends said, “I was one of those guys.” When she saw I was confused, she was like, “I think guys are douches for wearing headphones on campus.” I was unaware of this. Does she have some odd opinion on this or is this actually un-bro?
Side note: I wear ear buds, not the Sony, or Beats, nothing huge on my head that a majority of the athletes wear.
A: Listening to music in public makes you a douche nowadays, huh? Looks like I need to rethink my entire goddamn life. And that chick better hope she never sets foot in New York City; if she thinks your campus is bad, her head will fucking explode from the water and vinegar headphone extravaganza we've got going on here. The streets are flooded with douchejuice.
You're right, excessively sized head phones can be just that, excessive. They look idiotic on most white people. (I'm white, I wear massive noise-canceling headphones at work because companies send us free shit, and it's true: 87% of us look like assholes wearing them. That's just a fact of life.) You, however, seem to be playing within yourself. You're listening to music on buds and doing so because you like it, you want to appear unapproachable, or both, which is one-thousand percent the reason most of us in NYC are plugged in at all times. Keep the homeless beggar on the train guessing as to whether or not I heard his canned “Help! I'm poor as shit and it ain't my fault” monologue. Oh, I heard every word of it, fucker.
I don't think you should even give a second thought to this. For whatever reason, you like listening to music when you walk around campus so I think you should keep on keepin' on because it's better to ruin someone else's day than your own.
Q: So here's the deal. I spent three years out of the country working as a contractor in Iraq and Afghanistan. Spent all of my time on my R&Rs traveling around and hooking up with girls from all over the world.
Now that was all fun, don't get me wrong, but I came back home in August and a month later started talking to a girl who had been hanging out with my group of friends. She was hanging around with my friends because she had broken up with her boyfriend of 3 years a few months ago. She's 20 now and started dating him when she was 17. I am 24.
We started moving slow and taking it easy but it all started to pick up speed around the end of November. We started dating at the beginning of December but broke up a week-and-a-half later because her ex found out we were dating and started pushing her buttons and it rekindled the feeling that she is not completely over him yet.
So we broke up. I spent three months working on this relationship but she's just not ready to be in one right now. What should I do? Forget about her? Wait and be there for her as a friend and see if it happens later down the road (if I'm still single)? Kick her ex's ass?
I haven't really been in a relationship in almost five years so this is all pretty new to me. What should I do?
A: Let me be clear, you can do all or none of those things you listed above—kick the living shit out of him for all I care—but it still won't stop her from wanting what she wants… and RIGHT NOW, that's him.
You spent three months working on dating her; she spent THREE YEARS with this other bed-wetter. Whether or not they last remains to be seen but people don't like to think they've just flushed away a part of their life on a failed relationship, so they hang on to it long after they should have let go.
It’s obvious how this all played out: Her ex (the bed-wetter for those following) broke up with her a few months ago because he was tired of A) her bullshit and B) the thought of fucking the same girl for the rest of his life when he’s only in his early twenties. So he dumped her to take his dick on the sex rampage of a lifetime. Things were never better; he was cock deep in strange puss and her heart was obliterated over the loss of him. Then, the moment he saw someone else actually wanted his used goods he realized what he had thrown away was better than what he was currently bringing home every night. So he reached out, reminded her of all the times he didn't shit on her heart or abandon her and, because she is part still in love with him and part idiot, she dropped you to take him back. This has happened probably 500 million times in the history of man.
Do I think you should stick around? No. Do I think you should forget about her and move on? Yes.
Q: So my girl and I have been together a bit over a year and we've had some issues lately. She said that she's going to give me a free pass for the weekend when we get back to school after winter break… Is this just her playing mind games or am I really free for the weekend?
A: You and I both know what's going on here. I bet she’s thrilled with herself right now. Thinks she’ll smoke you out with this power move. And maybe she will get what she wants from this, but that all depends on what YOU want with the relationship going forward. She might think she holds the cards, but you've got the motherfucking power, He-Man.
If you REALLY want to be with her, you can’t take the bait. You have to say, “I don’t want a free pass, if I wanted to hook up with other girls I’d just break up with you.” Now, you could go all out and tell her exactly how you feel, reassuring her that there is no one else you want to be with, but fuck her and her trickery. Let her sweat it out.
But if you think it’s time for this thing to end (because she’s just the fucking worst), take the free pass and teach her a very valuable lesson about life, love and administering free fuck-whomever-you-want passes to men. When she cries in disbelief of what you did, mention how THIS IS HER FAULT and break up with her on the spot, “This is what you wanted! I didn’t ask for this! I can’t do it anymore; I don’t want to be in a relationship like this.”
Boom. Dick wet, cancerous relationship over, and that idiot is forced to shoulder all the blame.
Q: The way I see it, a guy can have one of three standards.
A. Has really high standards for himself (only bangs 8/9/10s) and accordingly has to work really hard for those girls.
B. Doesn't really have standards and just sees a hookup as a hookup.
C. Kind of a combination. Has high standards and wants to get the 8/9/10's and can with some effort, but also doesn't want too much time to go by without getting it in.
So here's the question- what’s the right mindset to have in college?
A: I had friends that went in all three directions, but for me, it was “C,” the combo. I only dated hot girls (or at least girls I thought were hot) and tried my best to only hook up with them as well but sometimes shit happens and you slide your dick into the human equivalent of a septic tank. Whoops!
But everyone is different; everyone has a different end game. When I was in college and single I really just wanted to have sex, A LOT. I didn't go big game hunting or fuck anything in the BBW family but I had plenty of highly questionable hook ups over my four years. My reputation suffered—some girls would refuse to get with me because of it—but every girl I wanted to actually date didn’t really care. After all, a negative STD test absolves you of all your sins, doesn't it?
And finally, here are the two best/worst Would You Rathers? I received this week.
Q: Would You Rather: Have Mark Sanchez bust in your mouth once or spoon naked with Ndamukong Suh, straight after practice with no shower, behind you with Rex Ryan fondling your feet for 24 hours?
Q: Would you rather get head from your mom for 5-minutes and no one but you would know about it, or have to blow Ron Jeremy until he busted all in your mouth and some in your eye and every one on earth watched the video of it?
A: How about instead of me answering these, you answer mine? It's been a while since I thought of something completely repugnant, and I don't know if I'm quite as sick as you fuckers, but let me see if I can give it a whirl:
Would you rather have your asshole fisted by a man wearing un-lubed Hulk Hands or have a gay guy fart his lover's fresh load into your mouth after a 3-hour sodomy-o-thon?
Yep, STILL GOT IT! Choose wisely, you sons of bitches.