I come to you live from the airport as I prepare to travel to England for my annual Christmas vacation to see my mother’s side of the family. Here’s a little secret of the pros. If you’re worried about falling asleep on an overnight flight, here’s what you do. You get to the airport early and you pound four beers in an hour. If you’re not writing a Hottie Index, you can probably make that five. The bartender may look at you weird, but the last laugh is on him when you’re passed out on the flight. Just remember to get the window seat. It makes sleeping a lot easier. Happy holidays to all. Here are my five presents to you for this holiday season.
I’ll be honest. I don’t really watch the X-Games. I maybe catch a few minutes of it when it’s on ESPN when I don’t expect it to be. But there are people out there who do care about it or it wouldn’t continue to be on TV. Bros out there will care about it a lot more once they realize Sal Masekela has left and Aussie Ramona Brualnd has replaced him as host. Watching a hot girl with an accent always makes programming more interesting.
Suza Favor Hamilton
The life of an Olympic athlete isn’t that lucrative unless you’re a bona fide star like Michael Phelps or Usain Bolt. Sometimes athletes have to take a second job just to make ends meet. One can only imagine how tough things are after you retire, so can we find some sympathy for Hamilton. The former USA track star was revealed to be a Vegas escort over the last year. Whether it be to find some extra cash or make herself feel better cause she hated her husband, it probably doesn’t reflect on her well. She had to be an idiot to think she could tell her clients about it and think they wouldn’t tell anyone.
A few of my friends gave me a really hard time because they thought I’d missed the boat by not posting about Belle once she dated Tim Tebow. One of them was a dude who went to the University of Florida, so obviously he’s madly in love with everything Tim Tebow and thinks it’s the most important thing to talk about. Well guess what? Belle does get to make the Hottie Index after all because Tim Tebow and she just couldn’t cut it as a couple. She probably realized his career was going nowhere or that she needs to get banged every so often.
Tom Cruise is one hell of an actor. He is able to bring us to the theatre to watch him as a bad ass military police officer despite the fact that he’s 5’7” and the character in the book is portrayed to be huge. He’s also able to convince women that he’s not some crazy scientologist by brain-washing them. First it was Katie Holmes and now he’s gotten a hold of Malin Akerman’s sister Jennifer. After reports surfaced that he was dating Akerman, he denied that rumor to the press, but that’s probably all some sort of mind-control scheme he’s developed. Or maybe he just banged her out one night and never called her back. That’s what Jack Reacher would’ve done anyway. I wonder if Cruise puts on the music from the trailer when he’s banging girls these days. It probably gets him extra fired up.
Olivia Culpo (pictured at top)
It’s been fifteen years since an American won Miss Universe, but we’ve finally gotten the trophy back. The Cranston, RI native (I actually know people from there, hooray me) battled against chicks from Brazil and the Philippines to win the crown. She will soon join the long line of historic alumni which include Howard Stern, Julianne Moore, Jason Alexander, and of course myself. The best part of the whole scenario is that my Italian barber was complaining to me that both the Brazilian and the Filipino chicks were much better looking and that he thought it was rigged. After seeing pictures of all of them, I can’t say I blame him.