Since the tender age of 16—okay, 14—porn became a daily viewing habit of mine; and masturbating, a daily exercise. Now that I’m well in my twenties, I feel validated to consider myself an expert of this explicit material. I’m not necessarily proud of this, but I am more than happy to recommend a few of the better porn parodies that I’ve seen over the years—and, if need be, a few quality sock brands that don’t leak. So, without further adieu, here are a few of the very best porn parodies that have dealt a great deal of “water damage” to my beloved laptop(s).
Ed Note: don't fret, these are all (mostly) SFW
This Ain’t Saved By The Bell: There must be something in the cafeteria food, because the students of Bayside High have never been hornier—even Screech is getting some. This more accurate depiction of high school, starring a bizarrely accurate Zach Morris, takes viewers on an adventure through ins and outs of the student body (wink) with over three hours of hardcore action, including a Jessie Spano lesbian scene! Other treasures include: Kelly Kapowski getting stuffed like a Build-A-Bear, Mr. Belding doling out dick over detention, and Lisa Turtle finally getting her fill of the almighty Screech Powers—not played by Dustin Diamond, thankfully.
Starring: Miley Butders, Scott Stone, April O’Neil, Eric John, Ally Ann, Ralph Long, Missy Stone, Misty Stone, Nicole Ray, Ashlyn Rae.
Friends – A XXX Parody: Despite rumors and the subsequent denial of a Friends reunion, everyone’s five favourite Friends characters are back—and Ross. However, a few things have changed: Monica is now Moanica, Phoebe is Freebie and the sitcom’s iconic theme song, “I’ll be there for you” is now the more porny “These friends love to screw”. I urge you to watch the above trailer; the theme song is hilariously awful. And as for the scenes themselves, nothing is really that shocking, and the characters don’t exactly resemble those from the series, but they’ve certainly hired the best in the biz to reenact one of the best television series ever made.
Starring: Evan Stone, Isis Taylor, Rocco Reed, Jordan Kingsley, Criss Strokes, Riley Evans, Anthony Rosano, Brittany O’Connell, Kayla Paige, Vanessa Naughty.
Scooby Doo – A XXX Parody: Full disclosure: this one’s my favourite. Reasons being: It’s actually funny, porn icon Brie Olson plays Daphne, and the questionably heterosexual Velma is just as hot, if not hotter, than any other woman in the movie. The flick doesn’t disappoint with the series’ campy mysteries either. Scooby has officially gone missing (no beastiality, promise) and the gang must scour a haunted mansion for the mutt’s whereabouts. The cast doesn’t disappoint, and the writing is just as good, if not better, than the official Scooby Doo live-action film (and sequel) starring Freddy Prince Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar; though that’s not saying much.
Starring: Evan Stone, Bobbi Starr, Bree Olson, Lily LaBeau, Michael Vegas, Chad Alva.
Jersey Shore XXX – A Black Parody: Have you ever wondered what Jersey Shore would be like had it starred a gaggle of black pornstars from the Bronx? Me neither. But Grind House Porn has gifted us with this horribly acted venture into the Shore house with six lazily named characters: The Enigma, Pookie, Imani (???), Ron E, and Z Wow, to name a few. This parody made this list more for its “I can’t believe it’s real” appeal than its actual quality—though the porn sequences are more than satisfactory.
Starring: Stacy Adams, Cassidy Clay, Samone Taylor, Melody Nakai, Imani Rose.
The Golden Girls - A XXX MILF Parody: If MILFs are your thing, you can’t miss TV’s favourite GILFs reminiscing about the days they were MILFs and banging just about every man at their doorstep. There’s no doubt you’re going to laugh throughout the whole thing, because it’s damn funny. There’s not much else I can say about this spoof because the studio’s description cannot be topped: “Your favourite TV grannies become cum-guzzling super slutty MILFs in the Parody you will never want to retire!”
Starring: Julia Ann, Rocco Reed, Johnny Castle, Puma Swede, James Deen, Diamond Foxxx, Jewels Jade, Rachel Love, Randy Spears, Raylene, Levi Cash.