Girls
by BroBible Staff on October 4, 2010

1. Early Morning Group Project

This was my absolute go to. I apologize to all the UVA girls reading this right now and realizing my guise. Basically I'd roll over, and start scrambling out of bed. Here it comes: “Where are you going?” This is when you throw on the sad face and start talking about how you're late for a group project meeting and it's due Monday. She'll instantly wonder why at 5:30 a.m. your group decided to have a meeting of the minds. Here's the genius: start rambling off the fake names of group members and assuring her they're all nerds. Clearly she will not know these false people, and she also cannot pretend to, since she knows telling you she knows some pencil-pushing nerd will ruin her credibility all around.

2. Parents in Town

Since you put some YouPorn-style moves on this biddy, she probably wants another shot at the king and hopes you might take her to Chipotle in the near future. On that note, she can't be the one responsible for making you miss breakfast with your parents. There is no way she can convince you to stay on this one.

3. Pledging

This can work both ways (that's what she said). If you're a pledge, girls know you are expected to be on guard 24/7. If you're through the process and now a Frat Daddy, you have to be present to run the show back at the house. This excuse covers all hours of the night and is mostly limited to the Spring (unless you're doing Fall rush, which usually tends to blow anyway).

4. Left Credit Card at Bar

Everyone has done it. To make it more urgent, most bars automatically add a ridiculous gratuity if you leave the card beyond a certain point. This can be tricky: she may ask if you want her to walk with you. I once used this excuse, but it backfired. This girl had literally been watching cartoons, yes cartoons all morning and wanted to come with. Emphasize you know the bartender who sets up in the morning and it'll be easier to go solo. Then run, Forrest, run.

5. You're Sad About Something, Need Alone Time

Warning: This can only be used on the girl who listens to Norah Jones and Enya. Most likely she isn't in a sorority and rarely goes out. However, maybe her art project did really well and you caught her slugging back some tequila shots. She'll get wet at the fact you have feelings, and that you want to express them in the solitude of your room. {pagebreak}

6. Practice

If you spend all day picking up ground balls, chances are you're palming more ass than Adam Lambert. “Practice on a Sunday?” “Of course baby, this is a full time job.” If she's really a hunny baby, you can promise her a pine in the future. There is not a number high enough to associate with the monetary value of a pinnie to a chick. Utilize this false promise.

7. Volunteering

Chivalry. You exude it. At the bar with G&T's, and now how you're waking up real early (cue your fake alarm on the BlackBerry.) Again, this is all about delivery: you need to seem rushed, panicked, but also pretend it sucks you're leaving the room. Where to now? The homeless shelter. You, sir, are a gentleman who battles his hangover by serving 1,000 bowls of soup and slapping high fives with Tyrone Biggums.

8. Friend from Home/Other School

Babes love guys loyal to their friends. It wrongly equates to the prospect you would be a faithful boyfriend if you ever decided to make that decision to basically put your pen*s is solitary confinement. This is a tougher angle: she most likely did not meet this friend last night, because he was not anywhere to be found in a 100-mile radius. Where was he this whole time? Oh yeah, he's sick and in your room and has texted you 20 times to come back with some food and Gatorade. Lay-up: Next thing you know you're rolling solo with a bacon, egg, and cheese and an orange gatorade.

9. Forgot Your Prescription Meds

You aren't taking Valtrex in this situation; always rely on the heavy allergy meds. You already have a raging headache and it's easy to bring up a stuffed nose. At this point, you can take it over the top and start itching, but then you were the dude who may have possibly had hives and maybe just gave her something. Play it cool. Your prescription meds are at your place, and you already missed one last night (when you had her toes pointed towards the ceiling while you propped up her legs like a sailor); she can't have you wheezing through the morning cuddle sesh.

10. Stomach Ache

Admittedly risky. You sound like you want to pinch a major loaf in her toilet but are embarrassed to do so. You can manipulate it to one of those “Oh, it's not like I have to use the bathroom stomach-aches,” but everyone knows the truth behind that. Just like I know the truth that no hot girl poops. {pagebreak}

11. Serviceman Coming Over

As much as they suck, those “7 a.m. to 4 p.m.” windows that every cable, internet, etc. guy gives you are your golden tickets. He could show up at 3:59 (most likely), but you cannot take the chance of missing him if you're his first stop. “Oh, but what about your roommates?” Don't worry guys, I've thought this through: “The bill is in my name, and there's a penalty if he has to come back if no one wakes up.” Sure, you look cheap, but you're in college: it's not like you use your cash for anything other than Natty or burritos or hookers.

12. Job

Too easy. She won't hold you back from getting to your job on time. Details are crucial here. You cannot use the name of a place she knows. Girls have tentacles everywhere, they will research you and find out if you really were there. Easiest way to approach this? You intern for an entrepreneur, shit it could be BroBible if you want — we won't give you up. I'm predicting this Sunday a lot of sl*tty puppies will hear about BroBible interns all over the continental U.S. Don't steal Eskimo Bro's thunder.

13. Traveling

This is specific. You can't say you have a flight to catch, unless this slaying occurred on a business trip — and then odds are you missed the plane anyway. If you're at college, the traveling can easily be worked around pledge roll, or something urgent. Do not use the “I'm visiting a friend” line. No buddy needs you at his place at 7 a.m.

14. Entering Some Form of Competition

Tricky. You're hungover and were blasting booze at your Frat domain or elsewhere. How can she believe that you are now entering a Triathlon? It has to be for charity. We are cutting deep here I know, but that's a competition you cannot miss. You have a heart and you're going to sweat through that shit when you run a 6k. What if she wants to watch? “Oh it's out of town.” Boom, get back to your bed. Alternate excuse: you have to train for said triathlon and your group meets at the park crack of dawn.

15. None

You don't need an excuse. You'll tag her again no matter what you say anyway. Clothes on, out the door. I'm f*cking in, you're f*cking out.