have never been the busty, hot, sexy pics type of girl. I am the awkward, padded bra, genuine smile that is the antithesis of “come hither” one. I have a good body but if I try to take a “come fuck me” picture, it usually turns out looking like a “I’m laying on my cordless phone hold on a sec this is uncomfortable” photo. I have small boobs, a tiny butt, and I’m a midget.
To be fair, I barely remember submitting an application. I think I came home drunk one night and signed up after seeing a link on someone’s Twitter. That is really the only logical explanation for why I would tell the world the most dangerous thing I have ever done is sleep with a hockey player sans condom (…though, thinking about it, that is probably very true. You play with fire, you get burned. No burns for me, if ya know what I mean). However, after getting the e-mail saying I (along with probably five thousand other girls) was accepted to the whole online voting thing, I reread the answers I gave to their little questionnaire and thought, “…fuck, this is awesome”. And thus began my goal to make funny the new sexy.
If you browse through some of the other charmers in the competition, you’ll see most have budget pictures that look like they were taken at Deb’s Glamour Shots in Sears. That have been photoshopped worse than that Guess model a few years ago who ended up looking like a Bratz doll. Some look professional (…both in photographs and in what they do in underwear and a bra, if ya catch my drift). Some are just plain awkward – girls trying to do the cowboy sexy cute thing and instead, pulling off the lazy-eyed side boob with boots thing. But what stuck out most to me were their answers to Maxim’s random questions. They all had “lol” in them. Who does that outside of an IM or a text? They all tried to sound cutesy. They all sounded like an answer Miss Utah would give.
Mine? Mine show that unlike the dead behind the eyes low budget porn models that flock to this competition in droves hoping to make it big, my awkward, iPhone camera picture doesn’t negate the personality and funny life behind the little girl with good abs. And while I know Maxim Magazine is more about jerkoff material rather than humor, I thought maybe it’s time this competition gets a shake up and the funny girl with small boobs makes a run at it.
Personally, I do not belong in any competition that judges based on looks alone. Even the most awkward of those try-hards on that site probably have more potential to get a dude off upon a single glance than I ever will. And while part of me is mildly embarrassed that I subjected myself to a vote where my competition are girls who are proud to look and pose and dress like Courtney Stodden, I’m kind of like, “fuck it dude.” There’s gotta be a place on the Maxim Hot spectrum for a girl who has the 1961 Yankees roster memorized, or who doesn’t dress like a skank and then get all coy and shy when asked about the naughtiest thing you’ve done in public. Pretending you’ve never had sex when you are posing in underwear that a gynecologist could give an exam through doesn’t make you seem virginal or classy, it makes you sound illiterate and lacking self awareness. And what guy doesn’t love THAT? Oh, okay… Tou paid some random photographer from FIT three grand to take professional, stylized pictures of you looking your best? Yeah, I busted out my iPhone 4 and took a picture with my Uggs in the background after I put makeup on for work and Paul Bissonnette retweeted it. So fuck off, I win.
Look, I don’t have the big boobs, I don’t have that Katherine Webb air of feminist perfection, and I probably don’t belong in this competition at all. But I like to think I’m pretty fucking funny, I’m not something out of The Hills Have Eyes and, in 2013, I am tired of chicks with no personality and boobs you can see online any day of the week win this whole concept of hot. So do me a solid and help me give these girls whose greatest ambition in life is to be the July picture on the Kansas Girl calendar a run for their money and vote for me for this thing. I don’t even know what I get if I win, but I can guarantee if there is an interview involved reading mine will be like reading something Hank Moody wrote, while reading anyone else’s will be like having a conversation with Miss Utah.