It's the most important day in a democracy: Election Day! If you haven't cast your ballot yet, what the hell are you waiting for? After four years of rigorous campaigning and millions, if not billions of dollars (thanks, Super-PACs!), today the American people decide how the dominos will fall. So stock up on booze on your way home from work and settle in for an evening of casual drinking while flipping through real-time election results on CNN, Fox News, NBC News, etc et al. Our guess is this one is going to be called early (my money is on before 10 PM), so make sure you're settled in by 8 PM EST. The rules for our official Election Day results drinking game are below.
One sip during the following:
- "The American People"
- "Exit polls"
- "Provisional ballots"
- "Electronic voting"
- "Red State"
- "Blue State"
- When someone mentions doing the math on the Electoral College for Obama/Romney to win.
- John King plays with his video board.
- Anyone cites a Tweet or Twitter.
- When Governor Chris Christie's boy crush on President Obama is mentioned.
- When anyone says "hotly contested" in reference to a state, county, gubernatorial, or senate race.
One gulp during the following:
- "Ohio Secretary of State"
- "Voting machine issues"
- "Florida Governor Rick Scott"
- The obligatory aerial news shot of voters waiting in a long, snaking line that's "around the block."
- During the obligatory county-by-county district breakdowns of Florida, Ohio, Virginia, Iowa, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania.
- Jay-Z, Bruce Springsteen, any other celebrity endorsement of Obama is mentioned.
- Chris Matthews screams about Romney.
- Keith Olberman acts like a jackass.
- Someone on Fox News talks over Juan Williams.
Two swigs of your drink:
- When a pundit questions the veracity of exit polling.
- If you voted for Obama, when Texas is called.
- If you voted for Romney, when New York is called.
- Trump is mentioned by anyone, giving legitimacy to a troll.
- When it's announced who has gained the Senate majority.
- Glenn Beck comes close to crying.
Finish your drink
- When someone mentions Hillary Clinton running for President in 2016.
- When someone mentions Paul Ryan running for President in 2016.
- When Fox News tries to take itself seriously by bringing Sarah Palin.
- When a pundit questions the relevance of the Electoral College in 2012.
- Anyone around you says "I'm moving to Canada!" not entirely in jest when the other guy wins.
- If you voted for Obama and he wins.
Finish your Caffeine Free Pepsi
- If you voted for Romney and he wins.
- If you voted for Obama and he wins and he mentions "legalizing it" in his victory speech.
Take a shot:
- When someone on the losing side mentions possible voter fraud or suggests a recount in a hotly contested state.
- A network prematurely calls the election.
- James Carville pulls his left ear on CNN, thus signaling Obama has won the election.
- James Carville pulls his right ear on CNN, thus signaling Romney has won the election.
- If someone mentions Herman Cain running again in 2016.
- If someone in your party is shitfaced, sees Herman Cain, asks where the closest Godfather's Pizza is.
- If Meatloaf's endorsement of Mitt Romney is mentioned.
Wine enema butt chug if*:
- If the election ends in a tie.
- Chris Christie is seen eating ballots for Romney.
- Romney wins and joins Kid Rock for a celebatory performance of "Bawitdba."
- Obama wins and raps "99 Problems" with Jay-Z.
*Disclaimer: Obviously DO NOT wine enema butt chug, you idiot.